For Me This Is Heaven
by manhattanProject
Summary: When the time we have now ends, when the big hand goes round again. Can you still feel the butterflies? Can you still hear the last goodnight? AU Alex/Mitchie
1. Never Let This Go

**A/N: greetings I have a new story. yes it's multi-chapter. and the structure's gonna go kinda like TPAP and ATE with the songs/lyrics etc etc. **

**The title/summary is For Me This Is Heaven by Jimmy Eat World. it's a fantastic song, just like every other song by them.**

**Anyway. Hopefully you guys like it. this is just the first chapter so I didn't want to overload it with stuff, ya know? But again I hope you're interested. more will be revealed later, obviously. just be patient :$**

**But yeah, leave a review. let me know what you think and all that stuff**

**Disclaimer: I own my thoughts.**

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1. Never Let This Go

_One day you'll get sick of saying that everything's alright  
__And by then I'm sure I'll be pretending  
__Just like I am tonight  
__Please don't get me wrong_

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"Alex, you here yet?" I asked into the dorm room as I walked in, juggling books and my bag in both hands.

I don't think college was ever something I was particularly looking forward to all that much. I mean, it was cool and all but I didn't really know what I wanted to do with my life. I was only looking forward to living with my girlfriend.

I heard someone mumble something once my shoes were kicked off. She was lying face down on the bed. I wanted to sigh but I pursed my lips and set my things on a small table. I was soon by her side and pushing her hair away from her face. Her eyes were open.

"Hey sleepyhead."

"Hmm." There weren't ever too many syllables when I would find her like this, which was often.

"Busy at work?"

"Hmm."

"Did you go to class?"

"Hmm." I'd stopped expecting actual words. I took a seat next to her but didn't lie down. Her eyes started to droop closed. "How was your day?" she barely said through her yawn.

"Lame. Hey, I was wondering…" Her eyes stayed shut. "C'mon Alex, it's Friday. Let's go out."

"I didn't say anything," she said, her voice lighter and her eyes finally looking at mine. "What did you have in mind?"

"Well…" I started with such enthusiasm she rolled her eyes at me. But she smiled. "There's actually a party tonight."

"A party?"

"Yeah…and like…I don't know; I thought it would be fun."

"Here?"

"Um…no. You're not up for it, are you?" I watched her close her eyes again as she turned over onto her back. Then she exhaled.

"I'm not feeling too well. And you know I'm not really a party person." She never was. She used to come with me sometimes to parties—most of them were in high school though—even though she didn't drink. I didn't mind it though. Once we started going to college it just seemed like she never wanted to go. I guess I understood. I mean college parties, at least the ones I've been to, are nothing like high school parties. It was all a bit much, so I never made a big deal.

"I know. I just thought I'd ask."

"If you still want to go then you can; we can always hang out tomorrow."

"You want me to go without you again?"

"Just because I'm dying doesn't mean you have to stay home and do nothing with me."

"You're not _dying_. And I like doing nothing with you…" I told her and she opened her eyes around the same time I pouted. She smiled again.

"I wouldn't want to deprive you of the whole college experience."

"You're not."

"I'm sorry love; I'm just not in the mood." She sounded sincere. And that was the thing with Alex. She never sounded like she was just trying to get out of something. But it was also a little upsetting how she almost never wanted to do anything anymore.

"You're never in the mood." I leaned back and rested my head against the wall. "And yes, I do mean that in every way."

It didn't really start out that way when we first got together. Alex was never the super outgoing type. And I actually kind of liked that about her. But we would still have fun. Our first year of college together was actually when I noticed things sort of…dying down.

I thought us living together would be a good thing. And it was, don't get me wrong. I loved Alex. And I loved being with her. We had busy schedules so we hardly got free time as it was so being her roommate was helpful with that.

But after a while it started to feel like there was this distance between us, ironically enough. I would have thought I was just being stupid. But it felt like we weren't as close as we were when we were in high school. And I didn't know why. I didn't want to bring it up either. I thought it would just work itself out.

She was still lying down with her eyes closed and I wondered if she had fallen asleep. Her work and school schedule made her exhausted all the time and I was used to this sort of one-way interaction we had developed over the year.

"I'm sorry," she said out of nowhere and I sighed, putting my arm behind my head. I also never brought it up for fear of the reason behind us _drifting_ being me. But the curiosity was eating away at me after some time. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine. Are you okay?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, this isn't the first time you told me to go somewhere without you and you just…I don't know; you never want to do anything with me anymore." She didn't open her eyes as she reached for my hand next to her.

"Mitchie…" My name ended with a light laugh she breathed out through her nose and I remember wondering why the hell she was still smiling. "You're so cute."

"Alex I'm being serious."

"I know. So am I."

"Can you look at me?" I asked her and she didn't hesitate to turn onto her side and look up at me.

"Yes, angel?"

"What's going on?"

"Nothing. I'm fine." That was usually her response. Perhaps she was just overworked. But I still huffed and slumped down in our bed until I was on my back. She giggled and kissed my arm.

I never understood Alex. I tried to a lot, ever since I met her. But she had always been something of an enigma to me. Even when we became friends and even when we got together…she was just this one big confusing mystery.

At times it frustrated me. But I loved it. It's what kept me so drawn to her from the beginning when I first noticed her at school. She fascinated me. And I had never been so interested in a single person and the things they say and the way they think.

"Do you remember when we first met?" I asked after a while. Her face was still against my arm.

"I only remember important things, Mitch," she mumbled and I couldn't help but laugh. I shoved her and started to get up only to be grabbed by the waist and pulled back into her. She hugged me tightly and I turned over to face her instead.

"You're an idiot."

"Shush. Of course I remember. You were wearing that black and white NOFX shirt and you stared at me for a really long time." I touched her cheek and laughed. I would have hit her again but she wasn't wrong.

We were sophomores and I was on my way to the bathroom in the middle of class. I heard music and saw her sitting on a ledge by some plants through one of the large glass doors. When I went outside she was still just sitting there, staring down at her book with her iPod playing Janis Joplin by her knee.

I tried to remember who she was but drew a blank and I didn't know why. All I remember thinking were two things: why was she out here when there was class going on and that she was absolutely beautiful. It wouldn't have been long before I learned just how beautiful she really was.

I stayed by the door, watching her, but she didn't look up. The song stopped and something by The Kinks started playing when she finally did.

"You've been standing there a while," she said to me when I still didn't say anything to her. I would have felt embarrassed to be caught staring but I didn't see the point.

"Sorry. I heard the music and was curious."

"It's cool."

"What are you doing out here? I mean…don't you have class?" She didn't seem bothered by my questions. She looked back down at her book and flipped the page.

"Yeah."

"You skipped class to read?" She brought her eyes back to mine.

"It's nice out."

"Aren't you worried about getting in trouble?"

"There are worse things I could be doing," she shrugged and dropped her feet back to the floor, pausing her music.

"Point taken."

"Why aren't you in class? I never took you as a rule breaker, Mitchie." Her voice had a humorous tone to it and her eyes went back to the book she was reading: _A Farewell to Arms_.

"You like Hemingway?" I asked before blinking and looking at her face again.

"Sometimes. Today I do."

"Isn't he kind of boring?"

"Some things some people find boring others might love. Same goes for places or people. It depends who you are I guess."

"I guess," I repeated, still standing in the doorway.

"It's the same, on paper. We're all just people. This tree I'm sitting by is just a tree. This book is just a book." I had no idea where she was going with what she was saying but I listened intently and found myself wanting her to continue. "Whether you read it or I read it, it's not going to change. It's still the same book. You just have to find the beauty in things for the way they are. Like Hemingway for example."

"Even if it's boring?" I asked, half joking, and she laughed. It was the first time I heard it and I wanted to say something else right after just so I could hear it again.

"If you want, yes. It's up to you though."

"What do you mean?"

"You'll figure that on your own." She closed her book and got off the ledge she was sitting on. Once her feet touched the floor she smiled at me, slinging one of her backpack straps over her shoulder. "Bell's going to ring; you should probably get back to class."

"Oh…right, I forgot." I didn't know why I sounded so dumbfounded but it got her to laugh again and my mind went blank as she spoke.

"I'll see you around, Mitchie." Her voice snapped me out of it and I finally realized something.

"Wait, how do you know my name?" I called out after her but she was already gone through the set of doors on the other side.

I didn't even know what her name was. I didn't think to ask at the time. But I wanted to know how she knew mine. And I just wanted to talk to her again. Or just listen to her talk. I didn't get it but there was something about her. And she was beautiful, so naturally I wanted to be around her.

I had known since freshman year of high school that I was attracted to girls. But I was never one to go after someone who was straight. It was pointless to want something you knew you could never have. And I honestly wasn't infatuated with her. She just…fascinated me.

I remember trying to look out for her throughout school after the first time we met. I never saw her in the cafeteria and we didn't have classes together. I wondered if she ditched class frequently and I found myself asking to go to the bathroom a lot more often than usual just to see if I would run into her again.

I eventually did. It was during a different period but she was in the same spot, reading a new book. And she found it amusing when I knocked on the glass door to get her attention but invited me to sit with her that time, laughing at how _ironic_ it was that we met again like that.

Turns out she knew me because my best friend, Shane Gray was the brother of her best friend, Nate. We just never happened to run into each other before then as weird as that was. She was a private girl and she liked to be alone most of the time. And I never questioned it.

But that's how things went with us. We didn't really see each other apart from our brief _run-ins _but those slowly but surely became a regular thing.

"Mitch?" she asked me and I realized I was lost in my thoughts. I looked at her still holding me on our bed. "Come back down to Earth, sweetheart."

"Sorry."

"Why'd you ask if I remember?" I honestly didn't know why it came to my mind but I liked thinking about it. When things between us felt like they weren't as strong as they used to be it comforted me, remembering when we always wanted to be around each other. I mean…I still did at that point. But I never knew where her head was at.

"No reason. You're reading Hemingway again and I just thought of it," I said, my eyes drifting to the nightstand where her copy of _For Whom the Bell Tolls_ sat, halfway finished. She smiled against my skin and kissed it again.

"You're so weird."

"You really won't come tonight?"

"I just don't have the energy. When is it, anyway?"

"I don't know. We were going to leave around ten."

"We?" I sighed and rolled on top of her and lowered myself a bit to rest my head on her chest. Her arms circled around my waist even more. "Wait…don't tell me…"

"Does it matter?" Just as I picked my head up to see if she had some sort of visible reaction on her face there was a knock at the door. I remember leaving the door open on my way in, like we usually did. A blonde girl with green eyes and slightly tanned skin was standing in the hall.

"Oh…uh…sorry; I can come back," she said awkwardly and I moved myself off of Alex.

"No, it's okay. Come in," I told her as I sat up straight. She walked over to us but Alex stayed lying on the bed. "What's up?"

"I was just wondering if you were coming tonight. I know I asked this morning and you said you'll see but we were going to get a cab and I wanted to know how many people we need to fit." I looked to Alex but she waved me off.

"Are you sure you don't want to go?"

"Positive, but you have fun," she reassured me. It always felt weird going to parties without her. We weren't like attached at the hip or anything and we did things with other people too. It just felt weird leaving her home alone while I went out and had fun.

"But…"

"Come on, Mitch," the blonde said bringing my attention back to her. "You should still come." Her voice was sweet and she offered a smile. She was a pretty girl, in a way, and I had fun with her when we would all go out. Alex stretched next to me and draped her arm over her eyes.

"Fine, I'll go." A smile broke out on her face and I tried not to feel nervous.

"Oh yay that's awesome! I'll tell everyone you're coming with us," she said excitedly as she headed back out the door. She closed it behind her and I looked back at Alex.

"You don't mind, right?" I asked again. I don't know why though; she never said anything about the situation anyway. And I was always so grateful for that.

"No. I figured Danielle was the one who asked you…" She was laughing again and she moved her arm to pull me down into her again.

"I won't go if it makes you uncomfortable though."

"Does it make _you_ uncomfortable?"

"Sometimes. But she's still my friend."

"Yeah…well, here…this should help…" She reached up to the buttons at the top of my shirt and started undoing them until a decent amount of my cleavage was revealed. I smacked her hands away and she let out a loud laugh.

"Shut up."

"Temptation is a bitch, honey."

"You just think it's hilarious," I said while shaking my head at her. Danielle lived on our floor with another girl, Caitlyn, that I was also friends with. Ever since I met her freshman year she had made it no secret that she was attracted to me. And even though she knew Alex and I were together it didn't stop her from trying. Alex was bothered at first but never told me she didn't want me hanging out with her anymore. She eventually found the whole thing amusing since she knew I would never do anything. And I loved that about her. She just trusted me.

"I wish she would stop but I mean…it's funny."

"Ugh."

"Stay in bed with me until you have to go," she said softly and placed her head against my shoulder. For a while it was rare that she wanted to be close. But I would always take what I could get.

"I'm going to shower real quick and then I will." I kissed the top of her head. Humming in response, she shut her eyes again and nodded. I sighed, having nothing else to say.

I didn't know what was going on with us. It was like we were fine but at the same time we weren't. She would push me away at times and others she would want me around.

I thought maybe us living together was what started it all. But I always felt like as much as I thought I had Alex all figured out she just had this mystery about her.

It was hard when it would feel like I was the only one trying in the relationship. Sometimes it was like nothing was wrong. She would have these subtle instances of pulling away, like when she wouldn't want to do anything with me or she would give me vague replies or answers to my questions. But I still hung onto her every word as much as I did when I first met her.

But I couldn't be ignorant about it all the time. I knew things weren't exactly getting better and if anything they were heading in the opposite direction. I just loved Alex way too much to let it affect us too much. But I should have known things wouldn't stay perfect forever.

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**A/N 2: Chapter/Song Title: Never Let This Go by Paramore**


	2. Jump Then Fall

**A/N 1: thank you for the feedback guys, and the reviews and follows etc etc. I'm glad you liked the first chapter and like I said sorry for the pace. It'll pick up but I don't want to rush the story.**

**This chapter gives some back story so it's pretty flashbacky, although the whole story technically is. but whatever.**

**Hope you like it. let me know what you think, leave a review when you're done.**

**Disclaimer: I own my thoughts.**

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2. Jump Then Fall

_I like the way I can't keep my focus  
__I watch you talk, you didn't notice  
__I hear the words but all I can think is  
__We should be together_

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It was exhausting, trying to keep up with her. We'd been on two completely different pages for a while and it was taking a toll on me. I wondered if she felt the same but it was hard to decipher how she felt ninety percent of the time.

But the thing is, even when it was going downhill, our relationship wasn't _all_ bad, not at first anyway.

Now, I don't want you to think Alex wasn't a good person because of all of this. That wasn't the case at all. Alex was, in all honesty, the best person I have ever known. She was brilliant and beautiful in every way possible.

She had a way with words and making me believe literally anything was possible. Her vagueness used to intrigue me rather than frustrate me and I would have loved to never _really_ know what she meant.

Around the time when we first met, when I was just starting to get to know her, everything pulled me in. Her smile, her laugh, the way she dressed, the music she listened to, the movies she liked, her whole outlook on life. It's like she was the only person in this world who really knew how to _live_.

She inspired me to try and see the world the way she does. She would tell me all the time things are only as good as you make them. Like when I would catch her ditching class to just read a book. Anyone would think it's ridiculous but she liked being outside; the sun shining, the flowers that the school had planted, and even just the way the trees looked when they were only starting to grow their leaves back. Little things that made other little things more enjoyable.

It was simple, everything was simple. And yet she was so complicated. I would ask her who her favorite artist is and she'd go on and on about how although artists were better back in the day, when most music actually had meaning, anyone can still be passionate and create something beautiful, in any type of art form; music, photography, painting, dance, et cetera.

I for some reason didn't ask her about music until a couple months after I first met her. The subject came up but I didn't inquire about her _in depth_ opinion until I was writing a song in my notebook one day while we were sitting together outside at school. I looked up from the words I had written and asked her.

"You like music, right?" She had a funny look on her face, like I had asked something incredibly amusing. Maybe it was but I was curious. "What?"

"Music is wonderful, why do you ask?"

"No I was just wondering. I've been trying to write this song for a week now."

"You write songs?"

"Yeah, I play guitar. Didn't I tell you that?" I hadn't. But that was the first thing that really brought us closer together. Her eyes lit up and she asked me how long I had been playing, what had made me want to start, what I love about it.

It was eye opening, since I had never stopped to actually think about that. I just liked music. I liked the way a guitar sounded when I was younger and I asked my dad if I could have one.

Then I actually had to think about it to answer her questions. I told her about artists I grew up listening to because of my parents; people from when I was just a kid like Jeff Buckley, Fiona Apple, and Alanis Morissette to people from the 60s like Joni Mitchell, Bob Dylan, and Jimmy Buffett. And she asked again…_why_?

I thought it was because it was just what I had listened to my whole life. But I loved all kinds of music. Bands from the 90s especially, Stone Temple Pilots, Rage Against The Machine, Soundgarden, Radiohead, Nine Inch Nails; all of them had songs I just _loved_ and I never stopped to think _why_.

It sounds good. The lyrics stand out. The songs have meaning. They sing with feeling. They make you _feel_ something. And I wanted to do that too. I wanted to write something that made people _feel_ something. I wanted to make something that lasts; music that people wanted to listen to years after I made it, even years after I was dead.

And Alex looked at me as I went through all of this, smiling the more I spoke. And I still wonder if she shared the same thoughts about me as I did about her when she spoke.

Either way, when I asked her who she liked to listen to she simply told me that we were more alike than she thought we were. And I liked knowing we had a lot in common before actually even knowing much about her.

But she never actually answered me. She did that a lot. She would give me some rant that would make me think and I wouldn't realize that she didn't tell me what I had asked. But when I look back and think about it, she told me everything I wanted to hear, everything I _needed_ to hear.

Her fascination with music and the fact that I played was what made me start looking at her…differently, I guess. I always thought she was the single most interesting thing to come into my life but I slowly started realizing she was someone I wanted to keep around.

I took to skipping class on occasion. It wasn't my smartest decision in my high school days and it wasn't _entirely_ so I could hang out with Alex. But I wanted to see for myself. I wanted to see what she saw in everything.

I brought my guitar. I sat outside when the weather was nice. There was a breeze and a squirrel on the tree trunk and the shade casted just to the front of my shoes. I sat on the ledge and just strummed.

Occasionally I would mindlessly hum a song that didn't exist yet and I just listened to the music. It was a coincidence that Alex ran into _me_ that day. But she smiled brightly and we didn't say anything when we looked at each other. She sat next to me and read _A Clockwork Orange_ while I played.

One day she told me out of the blue that she loved listening to me play.

"It just sounds beautiful," she said.

I didn't know what to think of it but it made me happy to know that she liked it. And I decided to ask her why as well.

"You can tell that you love it," she said. "There's passion in the chords you play. You smile and you're happy just by making these perfect sounds from a guitar. And I think it's wonderful how much you love it."

"You love it because I love it?" I had asked her.

"I love it because it's beautiful," she said.

It was the same with anything else I asked her regarding what she enjoyed. Like…what was her favorite movie or actor? I was surprised when she gave me a straight answer…somewhat.

"I'm a sucker for classics."

"You're a really old-timey person, aren't you?"

"I guess you can say that. I really love Casablanca, Singin' In The Rain, Top Hat…"

"Do you watch anything from this century?" I joked and she had this adorable laugh while rolling her eyes at me.

"There's just something about art and music and I guess media in general back in the day. I'm not saying the stuff that we have now is bad. I just prefer what it used to be like."

"I guess there were better actors; I'll give you that."

"Exactly!" That made her really excited. "Like…take Fred Astaire for example. I _love_ him. I want to watch every single work of his before I die." I thought it was a simple enough goal and it was adorable how passionately she spoke about it all. "You will never see another man like that in this century or any century to come. He could sing and dance and act. He was both classier and more talented than most of the performers and entertainers that get paid to produce anything nowadays. Men like Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin or like…John Coltrane, even Billy Joel."

"And 2 Chainz," I added and she couldn't stop laughing.

"You suck."

"It was a joke! I get what you're saying though. And I agree to be honest."

And I really did. With Alex it was never one of those cases where you fall for someone and you want to be able to relate to them and have so much in common so they'll be excited or interested so you try to get into everything they like. We genuinely enjoyed the same things.

I didn't know _everything_ that she was interested in and I'll admit I was curious to see what she found so _absolutely wonderful_ about some of the music and films and literature she was head over heels in love with. Some were as great as she believed they were and some I just didn't get.

When she would give me something to read or watch or listen to and I told her how I felt about it when I was done, completely honest, she wouldn't try to defend her favorite things. It was like she told me the day I first met her; it's the same for everyone, you just have to find the beauty in it for yourself. She respected my taste and asked me if there was anything I loved that I thought she might love too. So she could see things the way I did as well.

And it started this whole friendship with her. We spent more time together. Shane and Nate were both confused, considering they both knew Alex was somewhat of a loner. She only really ever talked to and hung out with Nate. At first she was a little quiet and closed off but she was never cold or rude about it. And she actually had no problem warming up to me in no time.

There was so much I wanted to know about her. We would hang out, almost always at my house for some reason. I didn't want to ask if it was something about her home life because she seemed fine. I knew she had two brothers, one in high school and one in college upstate. And she lived with her dad only.

Later on I would find out that her mother had passed away when she was younger.

But regardless, we hung out constantly. It wasn't until a few months after that I started developing feelings for her. At first it was something I thought I could have just easily gotten over had I not been so obsessed with her. But since that was in fact the case I couldn't help myself.

She knew I was gay and I knew she wasn't. I didn't want to make things awkward but Alex never seemed like the type of person who would hold something like that against me or make me feel bad about it.

Something about her gave me the confidence to have that mess of a confession clumsily tumble out of my mouth.

It was dark and we were just walking together after we had gone out for ice cream.

I started casually.

"I need to talk to you about something."

Then I realized I was making it sound more serious than it was.

"I mean…it's just…I wanted to…there's…I…um…"

Then I just didn't make sense at all.

"Are you okay?" she asked.

"I don't know. Maybe. Kind of."

"What's on your mind, Mitch?"

She was the kind of person who kept eye contact when talking and listening to someone. She didn't pay attention to other things or people, just you. And she looked at me and for some reason I spilled it all out. It's like dropping an opened carton of milk and knowing no matter what you do it's still going to pour out.

I stalled and beat around the bush for another moment or so. But when it came down to actually confessing, it went something like this.

"I don't want to make things weird and like you're my friend and I would never want to mess that up and like I don't expect anything but I thought I should be honest and like…"

I had such a bad habit of saying _and like_…

"I just…I don't know how to say this to make it not awkward and I think I already made it awkward but I just…I…I mean…I kind of…no not kind of; I know I do…"

I had no idea what I was saying or trying to do. She didn't look at me like she thought it was funny or something. And it made me feel better…like it wasn't a joke to her. She was kind and patient and waited for me to spit it out, even if she could tell what I was getting at.

Which I'm sure she could.

I shut my eyes and ran my hand over my face. I kept my palm over my mouth while my fingers covered my eyes and without looking at her, I told her, "I like you."

It was kind of mumbled from being muffled by my hand but I knew she heard me. And I knew she knew I meant I had feelings for her or I wouldn't have been that nervous to tell her.

For a while she didn't say anything. She just kept looking at me. It wasn't until I pulled my hand away from my face that she reacted. And I think she was just waiting for me to look at her too.

"You like me?" she said.

"I'm sorry."

It was the first thing that came to mind.

"Sorry for what? Liking someone isn't something you can control."

"I know…but…still…"

"How long?"

"I don't know, like…a couple months."

My face was burning at that point.

"Really?"

"Yes." There was a lull. And I couldn't take any kind of silence for any amount of time. "Please say something."

"I think it's sweet."

"What?" I blinked multiple times and stared at her. But she just smiled.

"Yeah. And I think it's great that you told me."

"You do?"

"Of course. I don't want you to feel weird about it."

"So…this…doesn't change anything between us?" I asked. She chuckled quietly and shook her head.

"Not at all, Mitch. I care about you; I would never let something like this get in the way of that."

Our conversation slowly faded into unrelated topics until we were far past my ridiculous confession after that. And she kept her word. It was like I never told her anything yet some kind of a weight was off of my shoulders.

That was _my_ confession. _Hers_ was a little more graceful.

And I remember it perfectly, almost four months after I told her how I felt.

We were at my house watching movies. She had brought _Holiday Inn_, upon my request, so she could continue her quest to watch every Fred Astaire film. We sat on my bed side by side, our knees touching and our eyes focused on the television.

It was right after Bing Crosby and Marjorie Reynolds finished singing _White Christmas_. She turned to me and tilted her head, leaning it against my headboard.

She didn't say anything again until I looked at her.

"What was it about me?"

And I had no idea what she was talking about.

"…What?"

"You remember that night you told me you liked me?" She paused and waited for my reaction. I was at a loss for words, partially because I never expected her to bring it up ever again. We hadn't spoken of it in four months and it was the last thing I thought she'd talk to me about. I nodded when I realized I couldn't form an actual sentence. "Well…I don't know; I've been thinking about it lately."

I thought I was going to throw up hearing her talk about it at all.

I cleared my throat a little and found my voice.

"Thinking about what?"

"Just in general. I was curious when you first told me but I didn't think it was a good time to ask."

And for some reason she thought four months later, out of the blue, while we were watching a Fred Astaire movie on my bed was a _good time_.

"Oh."

"Is it okay for me to ask?" She sounded so casual but still so careful, unsure of what to say or how I would react. "I was just curious is all."

"You're just curious?"

Surely she could have been curious the whole time she had known. And we had been in that exact scenario multiple times since I had told her. She had plenty of opportunities to be curious about it.

"In a way."

"What does that mean?"

"It's just…we never really talked about it, you know? And don't get me wrong Mitch because I'll respect it completely if you want me to drop it."

I held my own arms as she spoke, hugging myself. My nerves were eating away at me.

"I just don't get why you brought it up all of a sudden."

"I was thinking about it."

"What made you think about it?"

"You never answered my question though."

"Alex…you're the _queen_ of not answering questions," I challenged and she smiled, her cheeks stretching slightly and her laugh coming out as an exhale through her nose. I answered her anyway. "I don't know, to be honest."

"You don't?"

"No that's a lie. I just don't know how to explain it without making a fool of myself."

"Don't be silly; you won't make a fool of yourself."

She was always such an encouraging person. And she never made me feel bad about things I couldn't control. Even the things I could control, she would just smile.

"Why is this so hard every time you ask me something like that?" I asked and she scrunched her eyebrows a bit.

"What do you mean?"

"Like…everything makes so much sense in my head. I know what I feel and why, like it's all justified and I can explain it to myself. But when someone asks me to tell them what's going on in my mind it's like I can never translate my thoughts into actual words. And even if I could, those words would never do my thoughts justice."

"I get that."

"No you don't, Alex, everything you say is just…right."

"Right?"

"Yeah, like, you just have the answer for everything."

She sighed, threading her fingers through her long brown hair.

I wouldn't have been able to read the look on her face then even if it wasn't dark in my room.

"I promise you I don't."

And she left it at that.

So I did too.

"Well…why _did_ you bring all this up tonight? Why now?"

"I told you…I've just been thinking about it."

So I thought about it.

"I mean…you're like…really nice…and you're pretty…and we have so much in common like you're into such awesome things and…just…the way you are. Like, the way you talk and the way you think and all that. You're seriously one of the most interesting people I've ever met in my life." I paused again and played that all back in my head. I nearly cringed. "See I can never make anything sound the way it really is or the way it should."

She smiled anyway, I remember.

"Am I really?"

"What?"

"You think I'm interesting?"

"Are you kidding me? Of course I do."

"I like that."

Then _I_ was the one who was confused.

"You do?"

"Yeah, it's nice that someone likes you for what's going on in your head instead of what's going on…on your face."

"Well I did say I like your face too."

I have no idea why I admitted that out loud to her then. But she thought it was endearing and she laughed again.

"Well thank you. That's always nice to hear too."

There was a silence, a brief one but a silence nonetheless, and she exhaled as she sat up a bit straighter.

"It's your turn to answer my question now," I reminded her and all she did was nod her head.

"I said I was just thinking about it."

"Yeah, but why though? Did I do something that reminded you of it because I-"

"No, no. I just do that a lot lately."

"Do what? Think?"

"Yeah, about you."

Again…so casual, like it was nothing.

"Me?"

"Yeah, not this in particular. I mean, yeah I have thought about this in particular but I just meant in general."

"Oh…why?"

"I'm not really sure anymore. That's kind of why I brought it up now."

"No offense, but I don't know how much help I'm gonna be."

"You're a really good friend, Mitch. And at first I thought it was because I've spent practically my whole life with just Nate and occasionally his brother whenever I would run into him. Because I don't like having people like that in my life anymore."

"What do you mean anymore?" I asked but she ignored me and continued talking.

"But then I met you and I didn't think you'd be someone I'd actually want to see again. And it's not that I'm not open to meeting new people; it's just easier this way. And now…I just always want you around."

I still had no idea what she was talking about but all I knew was that my heart was beating faster and I was nervous for reasons I honestly couldn't understand at the time.

She ran her hands through her hair again and looked at me.

"I don't know what it is, Mitch. But you're all I think about. I can't get you out of my head," she admitted and I envied that she could do it so easily while I had to fight a potential stroke. "It's probably silly of me to think this way."

"What do you mean?"

That was something I seriously asked her a lot, when I think about it. Because most of the time I never really knew what she meant. And it for some reason just made me like her more.

"I've been thinking about what you said to me that night. At first I didn't really believe it. Just…you know, because people don't get feelings for me." She said this as if it were ridiculous, like she was recounting some joke that someone had told her before. "I guess I'm just not used to it, like I'm not used to having someone in my life that isn't Nate. But I mean…maybe it's not as crazy as I thought it would be. I didn't expect us to become friends like this but you're a really great person."

"I am?"

"I think so. I know a lot of people in school think so too. Which is why I didn't get why it was _me_ out of all the people."

"I don't know, Alex. You're just…different. I already told you I'm bad at explaining this."

"I thought it was sweet though. You don't have to give some college level essay with a thesis and evidence to back it up. Words will come out how they're supposed to; don't force them."

"Your words sound better than mine," I laughed and she shook her head.

"But I like your words."

"Why?"

"Because they're yours."

I didn't understand how literally everything she said drew me in closer, no matter how cryptic or simple it was.

I had tried numerous times to get over that crush I had on her, any stupid feelings whatsoever I wanted them gone. But every time I thought I could do it she pulled me right back without even knowing.

She opens her mouth and I fucking melt, I couldn't help it.

"And you know, Mitch," she continued, "it's funny…when you were telling me all those things before…it actually did make sense."

"It did? That's…shocking."

I thought I had made an ass of myself.

"No it really did."

"Are you just being nice?"

"I don't have to pretend to be nice to you. You're my friend. I'm just being honest."

"Thank you."

"You're welcome."

It was comfortably quiet for a moment or two and I decided to keep pushing it.

"So you're telling me you just _happen_ to think about me all the time lately?"

She leaned forward, hugging her knees and I sat up a little as well.

"Yeah."

"What kind of things do you think about?" I asked.

She smiled.

"Mainly just what you said to me that night. I don't know; maybe it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world, you know?"

"What wouldn't? Me liking you?"

"No. Well, yeah. But I mean feeling the same."

I didn't want my mind to get ahead of itself so I held my breath. Then I told her, "You can't just force that stuff."

"I know. I'm not. But…you can't force it away either."

"So…what exactly are you telling me here?"

"I'm not entirely sure. And I'm sorry about that because I would love to tell you exactly what you want to hear, even if I'm not sure what that is either. But like I said, I can't stop thinking about you."

"Really?"

"After we first met I kind of hoped we would run into each other again. And that never happens. I never dwell on people. But with you I do. I think about where you are, what you're doing, what you're thinking about. You have a smile and laugh and personality I just want to be around, like it's just nice having you around. And then I just miss you when you're gone."

It was weird to hear her say all that. I didn't think the straight girl I was so fascinated by would all of a sudden be into me but she was just admitting everything that was on her mind so easily. She would always tell me that if you have something to say it's better to just get it out in the open and not feel ashamed about what you're feeling.

Why should you feel embarrassed for something you can't control? Why should you hold back because you're afraid of what someone might think? Why should you be sorry for _feeling_ something?

Everything she had ever said was wonderful.

"I don't know, maybe it is crazy," she said. "But the idea makes me happy more than it scares me."

I licked my lips and tried to speak but my throat felt like it was closing up again.

And then she did something that both confused and surprised the absolute hell out of me.

"Close your eyes," she said.

"What?"

"Please just do this for me."

"I…okay."

I listened to her even though I thought I was going to pass out.

For a moment I heard and felt nothing, but I kept my eyes shut. I don't know how long I stayed like that but I remember the next few moments in parts, like they didn't flow together, they just happened in segments.

She shifted next to me.

She was on my waist.

I opened my eyes

"What are you-"

"Mitch."

I closed my eyes.

I let out a shaky breath.

I could hear her breathing.

I could feel her breathing.

"Alex-"

"Mitchie…_please_…just stop talking."

I could feel the warmth of her body.

She was close to my face.

Her hand was on my cheek.

"Alex, you don't have-"

Her lips were on mine.

That's when my eyes opened again. And I realized it was actually happening. So I kissed her back carefully.

It was weird to be kissing her with my eyes open. But it felt wonderful to be kissing her at all.

She pulled back before I could close them again. The kiss didn't last long at all and it was the most hesitant and timid thing I had ever felt.

Her eyes were either closed or she was looking down, I couldn't tell. But I could hear her breathing again. Her hand was still on the side of my face.

"Um," I said. "What…uh…what was-"

"I'm sorry," she said.

And I thought it was so _typical_. It would have been too, had she not stopped and corrected herself.

"Actually I'm not. But I mean, sorry for just…I don't know; I just want you to know I'm not trying to mess with you is all."

"I don't think you are."

She sighed and stared down at my comforter. I really had no idea what to do about any of it. I mean…there was this girl that I couldn't get off my mind and she had just _kissed_ me. Even if everything was simply platonic at first and I didn't look at her…_that way_, after a couple months I just _wanted _her.

She was everything I could have ever wanted in a girl. I tried to not feel anything for her but even if she was straight I still believed she was perfect for me, I was sure of it.

And I couldn't piece it together in my mind, why on _Earth_ someone as remarkable as her would feel anything at all for someone as painfully ordinary as me.

"But…I do like you, Mitch," she said.

"You do?"

"Yeah, I kind of do."

As much as that comment would have sent me into a mild depression, I didn't feel too discouraged. She just seemed confused.

"I mean…it's still all kind of weird to me…but it's hard not to. You're fun and you're smart. And…you're kind of beautiful."

I tried to ignore the burning feeling in my stomach and willed myself to look at her again.

And I agreed with her; it was weird to me too. I liked her a lot. Hell, I was fucking crazy about her.

It might have been impulse but the girl was immaculate to me and she kind of liked me and thought I was beautiful. Alex…the girl that didn't associate with anyone let alone _liked_ them…had kissed me because she had genuinely wanted to.

I leaned in to kiss her again.

It wasn't as awkwardly shy as the first time but I was still careful about it. I didn't want to freak her out but one of her hands was under my ear and the other was on my leg and I thought I was in some sort of a dream I would unfortunately wake up from because these kinds of things just didn't happen.

But she was kissing me back and it was hard to stop myself from smiling.

I didn't want to ruin anything though.

"Sorry, I just…I don't want to push any boundaries any further," I told her while she was still so close to my lips. It was difficult to speak at all.

"You're not."

"But still…you're not sure what's going on and I don't want to…overwhelm you with my feelings and kissing you and…I just…I know it's confusing, okay?"

She dropped her hand and I thought I had upset her. But she put her head on my shoulder and stared back at the television in front of us, the movie still paused. And she sighed again, contentedly.

"You're right."

"I do still like you though…I never really got over that, if I'm being honest…if you couldn't figure it out," I said with a light laugh and I felt her laugh against me as well.

"You're a really sweet person, Mitchie."

And we left it at that, resuming the movie and continuing the night like we had originally planned.

As much as I wanted her I knew I had to let things just…be. Jumping into something with her while she was so confused would have ended in disaster.

It wasn't the last time we spoke of it…obviously. But we took things slow.

She had this entire thing about how she wasn't sure if she was attracted to girls in general or if it was just me she had feelings for. Because she didn't think a label was necessary. And I would always remember what she told me the first time I caught her reading Hemingway.

It was the same for everything, even people.

You could find something you like in anyone, whether that person is a boy or a girl shouldn't have to matter.

"But I know I'm gay," I would tell her.

"Maybe you're not anything," she would reply. "Maybe you're just a person."

It took us a while before we put a label on _us_. We still hung out, and even called some of those times dates. But we weren't _going out_ and she wasn't my girlfriend. And I didn't mind. I would have waited as long as it took to finally be with her.

I knew we belonged together though. And I knew we would end up together because there was no way someone that special, that unbelievably perfect for me, would come into my life if it wasn't for me to be with her.

Anytime I would see her and anytime I would watch her do anything or just listen to her talk all that would go through my head was how I knew in my heart that I was meant to love her one day.

And she was meant to love me.

It was so hard to tell just where we had gone wrong. We had come a long way since high school. I was the happiest I had ever been with her. She treated me like _gold_ and I did the same because I knew she deserved nothing less. We were so in love. And I just couldn't take the falling out by the time we made it to college.

I didn't know what was going on then. I just knew that it was tearing us apart. And I would have given anything to just go back to what we used to be.

* * *

**A/N 2: Chapter/Song Title: Jump Then Fall by Taylor Swift**


	3. In My Life

guys I'm rushing because I have to leave sorry if this sucks but here you go lol

enjoy and review let me know what you think

* * *

3. In My Life

_There is no one compares with you  
__And these memories lose their meaning  
__When I think of love as something new  
__Though I know I'll never lose affection_

* * *

It was confusing and complicated. And I didn't have the heart to constantly bring it up because she would always make up for it without really realizing what she was doing. Or maybe she did. I honestly don't know.

We would go on dates from time to time, spend nights alone together even, but not often. She would still say sweet things though and I couldn't bring myself to believe that she didn't want me around anymore. That's what was so hard about it. It was like I was with two different people and it still somehow felt like…Alex.

The hardest part was at night. You're so close yet you're somehow nowhere near each other. You sleep next to each other, you hold each other, you feel them next to you, and you're still sleeping alone. She was always light years away from me.

I didn't know how it was possible to miss someone who wasn't even gone. She was right there. She was literally _right there_. We used to talk for hours. I used to listen to her and want to hear everything going on in her mind. But more often than not I felt so incredibly lonely.

I would watch her. She would lay there and I would actually feel nervous. I would look at her with her eyes closed and her chest rising with each steady breath and her hair falling around her face and I would actually wonder if it was okay to reach out and hold her like I used to.

It wasn't every night. Sometimes she would turn over and look at me and smile, running her fingertips along my skin, caressing my cheek, and she would pull me close. Sometimes I would already be asleep and I would wake up in her arms.

Other times though…I didn't know what to think.

I remember the first time it happened. It was the middle of the night and I woke up for some reason. I could move my hand and feel absolutely nothing next to me. Because the bed would be empty.

"Alex?" I called out, completely disoriented and even more confused as to why I had to squint my eyes from the light. Checking the time, my eyes managed to widen.

"Shit, Mitch you scared me," she said and it was then I noticed her sitting at the desk near my laptop. The small lamp was on and the latest book she was reading was open in front of her.

"I scared you? What the hell are you doing up?"

"Nothing." She didn't even sound tired, like she'd been awake for quite some time. I, on the other hand, was exhausted.

"Babe it's like four in the morning; come back to bed."

"In a minute."

"Did you seriously wake up to read?"

"What? No, I just…" she said but stopped herself abruptly and sighed, closing her book. "Yeah." I narrowed my eyes, partly from the light and partly from her weird behavior. And when my vision focused a little more I just grew even more confused.

"Weren't you in different clothes before?" She was in shorts and a tank top and I distinctly remembered her being in a t-shirt and sweatpants when we went to bed. She stood and walked over, crawling in next to me. Before I could ask anything else she dipped her head and captured my lips in a soft kiss. Anything going through my head just seemed to vanish and even though I was tired I kissed her back, wrapping my arms around her neck. But I pulled away shortly after. "Why are you so cold?"

"What?" she asked, pulling back as well and looking at me. I let her go to touch her arms.

"Your skin is cold, like…did you go out or something?"

"At four in the morning? Don't be ridiculous, Mitchie."

"Why are you being so weird?"

"I'm not."

"You have been for a while now…"

"I hadn't noticed." She was still hovering over me and I sighed quietly, not wanting to argue especially before the sun was even up.

"If something was wrong you would tell me, right?"

"You worry too much, sweetheart." I turned over so she would move off of me. I figured if she was going to be a closed book then I wasn't going to try to make sense of what was going on, at least not then.

"Fine." I felt her lips on my shoulder and I hated how it still made me want to smile.

"Do you have work tomorrow?"

"Yeah but only until six, why?"

"I thought we could go out to dinner." Her words made me turn back to face her because I honestly thought I imagined her asking me to go anywhere at all.

"You want to go out?"

And that was something I didn't fail to notice every time. Whether it was a coincidence or she was just trying to distract me or make up for being so distant, she would always say or do something like that instead of actually talking about.

"It's been a while."

"Yeah, I know."

"I know I've been busy."

"Is that all?"

"I'm not trying to worry you, angel."

"Well you're doing a pretty good job…" She breathed out slowly through her nose and got up to shut the light off. When she came back to bed she snuggled into my side and said nothing else. Once again, she successfully avoided the conversation. And I would always let it go.

Scenarios similar to that one occurred—not often—but often enough that it bothered me. I didn't know why she wouldn't touch me or why I would find her out of bed in the middle of the night. It was like she didn't want to be near me. But then she would do a one-eighty and it's like her attitude would completely change.

We'd come a long way since the first time we met or the first time we kissed or even the first time we told each other _I love you_.

Anyone who had seen us and what we had become would never in a million years believe that Alex was actually the one to say it first. Hell, I almost didn't believe it either.

Like I said it took us a while before we ever put a label on us.

She was nervous about what she felt and being in a relationship at all. But for some reason she wasn't nervous about telling her dad. She waited until she finally told him because she couldn't lie. And I respected her completely for that.

"I owe it to him," she said.

And I didn't know what that meant but I admired the relationship they had. I imagined them being as close as they were since her mother had passed away and he was the only parent she had.

She explained to me what happened and I was so shocked at how confident she sounded when she was so scared out of her mind.

She sat next to him while he was watching television one night and said there was something he needed to know.

She wasn't a fan of labels but, "For his sake, I thought it would be easier to just tell him I was gay, instead of giving him a whole spiel on what I'm feeling. It would just confuse him even more," she said.

She told him she had thought about it for a really long time and that she was absolutely sure.

She told him she loved him and didn't want him to look at her any differently.

She told him she was gay.

She told him that the girl she had been spending so much time with was someone she cared deeply about.

She told him she had feelings for her too, and again, she was sure of it.

He said nothing.

They sat in silence. And she waited.

She waited but he still said nothing, just looked at her, looked at the TV, looked down, looked around, but remained completely silent.

After a while she sighed, stood from the couch, put her hand on his shoulder, and kissed him on the cheek. She told him, "I'm going to go to bed. I love you, Dad," and walked away.

It was nothing like when I came out to my parents. I had told them both at the same time. My dad thought it was random but that's about it. My mom cried.

I tried explaining everything to her and we were weird for about a week until one day she came up to me while I was looking for something in the fridge and she hugged me and told me she loved me.

That time we both cried.

But they were both incredibly supportive of me from then on out. Alex's dad took longer to come around. And to me it honestly didn't seem like he ever really did. He never tried to stop us from being together though. For the longest time I just felt like he didn't like me and I couldn't figure out what his deal was.

But nearly nine months after we met, we put a label on us.

And she was my girlfriend.

Alex was wonderful. Being with her was wonderful. She had no problem with us being _out_ in school or anywhere else. It wasn't something she felt the need to hide, she had told me.

"If someone has a problem with it, who cares?" she said. I was only worried for her seeing as how everyone already knew about me. "These people don't matter. I promise."

She was so sure of it.

And she would hold my hand and kiss me in public and I couldn't have been happier. People were mostly concerned, and shocked, with the fact that Alex was in a relationship at all never mind that it was with a girl.

They stared but we didn't pay them any attention. And a few months after I started calling her my girlfriend, she told me that she was in love with me.

It was the beginning of our junior year.

The weather was still warm in September and we were in Central Park together. There was a rather large rock by the Lake and we sat there with our feet dangling over the edge of it. She had a frozen lemonade in her hand and she was wearing blue wayfarers over her eyes. She took them off when she looked over at me.

And for a good while she said nothing, just looked. But she was smiling; I could see it through the corner of my eye.

"May I help you?" I asked her playfully when she wouldn't stop staring. And she giggled which caused her nose to crinkle adorably.

"I don't know."

"What are you staring at?"

"You."

"Clearly." She moved her lemonade to her other and hand and then held mine. Her skin was absolutely freezing but she intertwined our fingers and kissed them. "You're being weird."

"How even? I'm just happy."

I narrowed my eyes and fought a smile.

"Mhm."

"And I just like looking at you."

"And why is that?"

"You just want me to compliment you."

"Maybe."

"I can see your freckles."

"Oh God, of _all_ the things!" I whined but she laughed and leaned over to kiss my cheek.

"Stop it, I love them. I think they're cute."

"No they're not."

"Just because you don't like them doesn't mean they're not cute."

"Just because….you…I…shut up."

She started laughing again and I shoved her arm, causing her to let go of my hand.

But then she shoved me back, all the way back, until she had me pinned on the rock. I didn't want to fight so much because…well…we were on a rock.

"You're a bully."

"I am not."

"You love to mess with me."

She had my wrists in her hands and she was straddling my waist. She kissed my lips slowly but briefly. And when she pulled back she looked at me and said it.

"No, I just love you."

I didn't even know how to respond and for a moment I honestly believe I imagined her saying it. She was still looking at me with her bright eyes and the corners of her lips curved up in a smile. But I couldn't answer her.

I sat under her for a while and I couldn't for the life of me say it back.

"You what?"

"I love you Mitchie," she repeated, and she still somehow managed to look happy and incredibly hopeful. That was always something I always admired and loved about her. Even when she should be scared or nervous she never lost hope with anything.

"Are you serious?"

"Completely."

"But…how…"

I don't even know what I was trying to get across to her. All I knew then was that saying _I love you_ to Alex terrified the crap out of me. We had known each other and had been friends for a while and we'd been together for a few months but could I have actually loved her then?

And I couldn't tell her if I wasn't absolutely sure.

"Isn't love supposed to be something you can't explain? You just…feel it? I can just tell, Mitch, when I look at you and when I talk to you and when I think about you…"

"But how?" I asked again.

"I just know, like how I know everything else that's…just a fact; where we are, the weather, the time. We're in Central Park and it's beautiful out and it's…4:33 and I love you."

I wished with everything in me that I could have felt the same. I liked her a lot, and I was certainly obsessed with her, but _love_? I didn't even know what that was. I wanted to tell her so badly. But I knew in my heart it wouldn't have been right. And I felt horrible looking in her eyes and telling her I wasn't there yet.

"It's okay if you're not," she said.

"Are you sure?"

"I can't make you feel what you don't."

"Alex, it's not that I don't-"

"I understand."

She was still smiling, almost as if I didn't even tell her I didn't love her back. But she was actually taking it so well and I was beyond relieved that I didn't upset her or make her feel that I didn't feel so strongly about her even if I wasn't on the same page as her.

"How are you so okay with this? I mean…I wish I did, I really do. I want to tell you but…"

"I wouldn't want you to say it until you're sure anyway. I just wanted you to know…because I am sure. I'm one hundred percent, completely sure of it."

"Really?" I asked. And she nodded her head, still smiling down at me. "You love me?"

"Yeah."

I leaned up to capture her lips in another kiss and I held onto her face. We broke apart for a second but I was still so close. I bit my lip and kept my eyes shut. I exhaled and kissed her again. I kissed her harder. But I still couldn't bring myself to say it.

I ran my fingers through her soft hair and smiled against her lips. Because even if I didn't love her yet I knew deep down she was someone that I could. I never had that moment; that one instance where I just _knew_. I had to think about it. And if I had to think that much then it couldn't have been it, not yet.

She pulled away and placed a sweet kiss on my forehead and I sighed through my nose. Then she looked at me and held my hand, playing with my fingers. She squeezed it and held on for a moment, just staring at them clasped together.

"I wish you knew what I was feeling," she said.

I looked at our hands, then back at her.

"Because loving you has got to be the most incredible thing I've ever felt," she said.

"Really?"

"I don't get good things like this in my life too often. But you're something close to perfect."

"No I'm not," I argued, and I knew I was blushing. I don't know why I even tried to hide it.

"You might not be perfect but you're perfect to me…and you're perfect for me. And that's all that matters."

"You're sweet, you know that?" I told her and moved my hands to her hips. Her shirt was raised a little and my fingers glided over her warm skin.

She pushed some of my hair away from my face and let her hand linger, and as she smiled at me she said, "Only for you."

That was always what she would say.

_Only for you_.

Only for _me_.

Honestly, what made me so special? I would ask her that constantly because it never clicked for me. And she would always answer the same as well.

"You just are."

I guess I held her so high up on a pedestal I couldn't fathom why she would think I was anywhere near good enough for her. I thought she deserved better than me, that I couldn't possibly be enough for someone like her. But she had so much faith in me.

And I would have done anything to be that for her. Because I really did love her.

It was three months after she had told me.

We kind of put her _I love you_ and the whole idea of saying it to each other on the backburner for a while. Throughout the fall we were great though but she didn't want to put pressure on me by reminding me constantly. And she would just wait until I was ready to say it.

It was December and I was at Shane's house. I was supposed to be sleeping over.

My parents stopped caring about me being alone with him a while back because I had known him for so long and they knew he was my best friend. They were just more relieved when they found out I wasn't attracted to boys in any way, shape, or form. So they trusted me.

We were watching TV in his living room despite how late it still was, throwing in random conversation every now and then. The topic shifted to Alex and I and I didn't realize how long I was talking about her for.

And I told Shane everything going on in my head.

He asked how we even worked when she was so closed off and quiet and how on Earth we even ended up together. And I said we were together because we were supposed to be.

There was no other way to explain it to people who just didn't _get_ it. Sure, it probably didn't make sense to a lot of people. But it made sense to us. We made sense to each other.

She was all I thought about, constantly, day in and day out. And it's like I never got sick of it. I could text her or call her or go see her and even that wasn't enough.

And I pictured it in my head. That day we were on the rock at Central Park and she had her hand in mine and she played with my hair and she smiled because she thought my freckles were cute.

And she loved me.

Alex, with her weird books and her big brown eyes and who loved such simple and complex and _beautiful_ things…loved me. She fucking _loved_ me.

She was wonderful. Someone that…_brilliantly_ wonderful…actually loved me. Even just the thought of having someone like that in my life at all was enough. But I had her.

And I said it in my head.

Alex loves me.

_I love you too_.

And I didn't think of anything else.

I didn't think of why or if I was sure or if I even really knew what love was. Like our relationship, it just made sense.

I hardly gave Shane an explanation as to why I was in such a rush when I got up from the couch and started looking for my shoes. I pulled my sneakers on and told him I just needed to go. Grabbing my coat, I could hear him trying to stop me since it was so late.

But that was exactly what I needed to do. It was what had been missing; that conviction, that absolute blind certainty. I didn't have to think about it. It wasn't something that I needed to prove or justify. It's something that just _was_.

I stepped out into the cold winter air as the snow fell around me and on my hair and pea coat. I knew she didn't live that far from the Gray's but I didn't want to waste time.

That's what it was all about right? It's another thing I've learned from Alex over the years. Stop wasting time. Stop making excuses and trying to find reasons to not go after something whether it's someone you love or a dream you're chasing. Just _do_ it.

All the time you spend worrying and wondering is time you could have spent actually doing something about it. And I wasn't going to waste time. Because I loved Alex. And it was the simplest thing in the world.

The fact that I didn't need to think about anything but just the _fact_ made me pick up my pace, reassuring myself of what I already knew. This was for real. There was no need to dwell or have time to _think things through_ anymore.

I ended up at her doorstep with my phone in my hand and all my feelings were nearly suffocating me. And I couldn't get enough. It was something I'd never felt before. And I remembered what Alex said about loving me and how she wished I felt what she did.

I texted her to come outside but instead she opened her bedroom window. Her name popped up on my phone screen and I answered her call frantically with a face-eating smile stretching across my cheeks.

"Mitch, what are you doing here at this hour?" she asked.

She was right there. I could have asked her to talk the next day when it wasn't so late. I could have set up a big romantic date and made it really special. I could have made some elaborate speech to make her swoon.

What did any of it matter? She was standing there and I loved her and there's no better time than the present. Why did it have to be a big show? The words were big enough to stand alone, to speak for themselves.

_Don't waste time._

"I love you."

And she stared at me for a moment, unsure of what was going on but I could see a hint of a smile. It was there. But she was confused.

"What?"

"I love you, Alex. I love you and I want you to come down here so I could say it again."

"You're nuts," she laughed and shook her head. "It's so late."

"I don't care. Don't you see, Alex? I thought this was something that I would need to think long and hard about to make sure it was what I really felt but I don't have to. And that's how I know it's real. It's just a fact, remember? Like everything else; it's…1:17…no, 1:18 in the morning, I'm standing outside your door, it's snowing and it's absolutely _freezing _out here and I'm in love with you."

She smiled for real that time. I could see it in her eyes and the way they shined even in the small amount of light in her bedroom. And it was still brighter than the moon and all the stars in the sky.

"Just come outside," I begged.

"But it's cold, Mitch. I'm gonna get sick."

"I'd come up but I don't want your dad to yell at me."

She bit her lip and looked down at me from her window, her phone pressed against her ear. Then she looked around her room and said, "Give me a minute."

She hung up and I waited. My leg would have been bouncing and shaking if I was sitting down. I kept my hands in my coat pockets and exhaled, watching my breath disappear into the air in a faint white cloud. It wasn't before long her door opened.

And she ran straight into my arms.

I wrapped them around her tightly and hugged her impossibly close. Her arms were around my neck and the warmth from her cheek pressed against mine made me smile. I lifted her up, listening to her adorable laughter, and she moved her legs around my waist as I held her, never wanting to let go.

"I love you," I said. "I don't know how I didn't feel it before but I do."

She pulled back just a little bit and kissed me fiercely. My face was freezing from the snow still falling but her lips practically burned against mine.

"I love you too," she breathed out and I could see her eyes under the streetlight, shining even brighter than before with the tears she was trying to hold in.

"Are you crying?"

"No," she said, hiding her face in my neck as I set her feet back on the ground. "Maybe."

"You're so cute."

"Shush. I'm just happy."

I still had my arms around her and I remember almost crying myself just standing there hugging her closer to me. She sighed and rested her head against my chest.

"I've never been this happy before…not until you came into my life."

"Oh come on…"

"I mean it. Yeah, sure, I was fine before, happy even. But now…it's just…so much more. And I know it's because of you."

It was miraculous how she made me feel. Even now, I can still feel it.

"I could say the same for you, you know."

And we were happy. It wasn't like she all of a sudden became cold with me. Because she would have her moments, moments where it was like we were young and in love back in high school again. And she would look at me with those eyes that said you still mean the world to me.

By the time we were such a bipolar distant mess in college it actually hurt to think of how happy we once were. And looking back on all of it now, as much as I didn't enjoy fighting with her I'm glad I ended up calling her out on it.

But unfortunately that's what it was…a mess. I knew she would never _try_ to hurt me; Alex wasn't like that. But we had gotten to a point where she would deliberately say and do things that she knew would make me upset. And I just wish that it was easier for us.

Even through the worst I'd never stopped loving her though. She could have done her worst and I wouldn't give up. It's all memories. And I can't change anything that has happened. But I don't regret any of it; the fights, the tears, and hurtful words. It didn't matter in the end.

Because I knew I was supposed to love her.


	4. Slow Dancing In A Burning Room

**A/N: hey...um...so yeah...thanks for the reviews/feedback, always love seeing what you guys think**

**I hope you like this chapter...you might hate me though. story's gonna get a little...rough**

**review and let me know :$**

* * *

4. Slow Dancing In A Burning Room

_I'll make the most of all the sadness  
__You'll be a bitch because you can  
__You try to hit me just to hurt me so you leave me feeling dirty  
__Cause you can't understand  
__We're going down_

* * *

It wasn't until maybe halfway through our sophomore year of college that it started to hit me. That we were broken. We were falling apart. And she was completely aware of it but I was left in the dark. It made sense but I would have denied it completely at the time.

But knowing what I know now, I can't believe I didn't see what she was trying to do. Never mind why, but Alex wasn't the type of person to just be mean to anybody let alone me. But something was going on; I knew that much. And after a while I realized she was doing it all on purpose, the whole cold and distant act, cancelling on me and avoiding me, pushing me away…everything. I knew why.

She wanted me to break up with her.

At first I didn't want to believe it. Why should I have? I loved Alex with everything in me; I didn't want to just accept that she wanted things to end between us. The thought alone was enough to bring me to my knees because at that point I was way in too deep to let her go.

I'd grown attached to her over the years. When we first started out we weren't one of those young high school teenagers who would kid themselves into thinking they were going to be together forever. We weren't naïve. Sure we loved each other, but we didn't think about the future.

But by the time we started having problems, ironically enough, I was so used to having her in my life I honestly couldn't picture being without her. It was still silly of me to think that way, since we were still so young. But for a young couple four years was pretty solid.

I would always see them; those _high school sweethearts_, the young lovers, all of them. They were foolish. They're just children. Live in the moment; focus on the present. You're still so young you shouldn't have to worry about where you and your girlfriend are going to be in years to come.

Alex and I had gotten as far as we did, as strongly as we did, because we had _fun_. We enjoyed each other. I didn't stop to think of us being together for the rest of our lives. We weren't ridiculous kids who fell in love and planned to get married before we even lived for two whole decades.

After graduation, however, I was the one who suggested us living together. She seemed nervous, which I got. She was always hesitant about us maybe being _too_ close.

"I don't know, Mitch. Isn't that what usually breaks people?" she said.

"Not always."

"It's just…living together is kind of a big deal, don't you think?"

"But with your job and our class schedules who knows if we'll be too busy? I don't want us to not be able to make time. At least this way no matter what we know we'll always come home to each other."

I remember it was right around our senior year of high school when she started working at Stop & Shop with Nate. It cut into our time together enough as it was. College would have just been too hectic.

"I would love to live with you, please don't get me wrong Mitchie. I just…I don't know. I guess I've never lived with anyone so I…" she trailed off and sighed. She looked down at her lap, almost sadly. I leaned over and brushed some of her hair away from her face, tucking it behind her ear.

"What is it?"

And then she sighed again.

"Nothing."

"Hey, what's up? You know you can tell me anything."

She gave me this look. I wish I was able to read it back then but there was no way. She just looked scared. And it was odd because she never looked anything less than confident.

"I guess I just don't want you to get sick of me," she admitted and I didn't want to laugh because, God, she was just the cutest. And I couldn't believe she ever thought for even a second that I could possibly get sick of her.

"Aw, Alex…"

I smiled and wrapped my arms around her waist loosely. She just stared at her feet, swinging them back and forth over the edge of my bed.

"Is that what you're afraid of?" I asked.

"Maybe…"

"Oh my God, no, babe wait…hey, look at me."

It took her a moment. She just kept her head down and I wanted so desperately to know what was going on in her mind.

I turned her cheek lightly, forcing her to actually face me but she kept her eyes elsewhere. I pressed my lips to her temple, still holding back the urge to chuckle at how shy she was being.

"There's literally no way I could ever get sick of you…you know, just in case you were wondering. The only problem we may have is I might become more obsessed with you than I already am," I admitted and she actually cracked a smile, laughed even. And when her eyes met mine I kissed her lips.

"You really want to live with me next year?"

"Yeah. I mean, unless you really don't want to…"

She sighed and lied back against my bed, her legs still hanging over the edge. She tugged my hand and pulled me down with her. Her body felt warm and she hugged my waist as she cuddled into me more.

But she never answered me.

"Lex?" I asked.

My answer was silence.

So we just stayed like that. I remember holding her for quite some time, or at least that's what it seemed. It felt like forever when it was probably only a few minutes. And I wondered if she had fallen asleep.

I was gently running my fingers through her hair when she finally spoke. It was quiet and mumbled.

"I want to."

"Are you sure? Because I don't want you to feel like you have to. It was just a suggestion. I thought it would make things easier on us, you know, like-"

"No, I do. It's just…" she paused again and I felt her fingertips along my exposed lower back. "I have to ask my dad first."

I had almost forgotten about him and how he would react to the whole thing. Even when we were approaching the end of high school he still seemed on the fence about our whole relationship.

He was never rude to me. He was just very…impassive.

I respected him though. He allowed me and Alex to be together. Alex had told me he just wanted to see her happy even if he didn't _get the whole gay thing_. She told me he wasn't going to stand in her way but warned her to be careful.

I didn't know what that meant at the time. I wasn't a bad person. And I would have never even _dreamed_ of hurting Alex in any way. But I understood his concern I guess, especially now. He kept a watchful eye on Alex, and even me when I was around. I made sure to do anything at all to let him know his daughter was in good hands.

It made sense that she was worried about her father having a problem with us living together. But I didn't think it was all that big of a deal.

"Why?" I asked. "It's not like we're getting an apartment or buying a house together. It's just school."

"I know. But I don't want to just tell him I'm leaving without talking to him and seeing how he feels about it first."

"I understand," I said. And it was silent between us again for about a minute before I spoke up. "Are you sure you want this?"

She unwound one of her arms from my waist and reached for my hand, intertwining our fingers and holding them tightly. And for a minute she just lied there with her eyes closed and my hand in hers.

It was always something she did, holding my hand like that; all silent and peaceful. At first I thought she just liked holding my hand but there was just something about the way she did it that made my heart practically melt.

She brought them up to her lips, paused for a moment, and then smiled before kissing them.

"I do."

After getting the, incredibly reluctant, okay from her father we were all set to move into our dorm room together.

She was still nervous, even after our first year. But I don't know if that had to do with her initial worries or if it had anything to do with the hot and cold attitude she was giving me by the time we were sophomores again.

And like I said, it wasn't _all_ bad _all_ the time. Not at first.

Sometimes when I'd feel like there was just so much space between us and we would hardly communicate she would randomly do something and it would remind me that the girl I fell in love with wasn't completely gone.

It would be little things, things that wouldn't even seem important or special to anyone else. But to me it was cute and I thought it was nice that she tried even when our relationship was headed downhill fast because she made it that way.

It was like even though she was trying to end us she still couldn't help but be the sweet person I knew she truly was.

It would come out of nowhere too. We were distant, not really speaking all that much throughout the day or even the week. I was sitting in our room once, just doing homework. She came home after work and came up behind me, without a word, and put her arms around me.

She kissed my cheek and rested her chin on my shoulder. I could hear her inhaling a breath and then releasing it slowly.

"Hey," she said.

"Hi."

My voice was low, and something close to emotionless. But she had to have expected it after a certain point.

And for a good moment or so she didn't say anything or move. And I didn't shrug her off like I had half-wanted to. We were at a point in our relationship where I wanted to be as cold to her as she could be to me but I couldn't bring myself to. I always held out and waited for her to come around. I _prayed_ she would just come around.

I could feel her nose on my neck and I wanted to smile because, in all honesty, having her holding me, or showing any affection at all was more than I could have ever asked for back then.

"I got you something," she said.

"What?"

"It's nothing, really. But you looked sad this morning before you left for class and I wanted to cheer you up a little bit."

It was ironic how she was the reason for every single emotion I ever felt, good or bad. She let me go and handed me a brown paper bag. It was cold and had a small, plastic container inside of it. And that time I actually did smile.

"You were talking about wanting it a few days ago," she said. "But I finally found a place that sells it. Of course you would crave the weirdest kind of pudding."

"Pistachio pudding isn't weird. You're weird."

She rolled her eyes and stuck her tongue out at me and I laughed, shaking my head at her. The gesture was sweet. Like I said, it was small. I didn't expect her to pay much attention when I said I had wanted it especially when I was talking just for the sake of talking.

But that was something else I loved about her. The whole time I had known her, even when we were having problems, she would always pay such close attention to every little thing. She recalled every last detail of something I had said.

She was the most attentive person I had ever met and looking back I realize just how often it happened. Even if it was something as small as my favorite type of pudding, she would remember and use all the information she would gather from just _knowing_ me and use it to do nothing but make me smile.

"As long as you're happy," she said which was odd considering everything.

"I'm fine," I reassured her but she knew just as well as I did that it was a lie. She knew because it was her fault. And she was aware that it was her fault.

"I love you," she said randomly.

It took me a little by surprise. She hadn't said it in a while. I knew she loved me without having to remind me every ten seconds but it was still nice to hear it. And hearing it after going so long without, I was caught off guard.

"I love you too."

"I took off of work tomorrow."

"You did?"

"Yeah, I know you don't work after class and I thought we could grab dinner and go check out this band Nate turned me onto at the Bowery."

"Really? You want to go all the way to Manhattan?"

"Mhm. I thought it would be nice, you know; us, food, music…"

"Oh my favorite things," I told her, batting my lashes and flashing a bright smile. She laughed and leaned down to kiss my lips quickly.

"Perfect, it's a date."

I was still so confused because her good mood had come completely out of left field. And I wasn't sure whether to be skeptical or to just embrace it and stop worrying.

But I always worried. I had no idea what the hell was going on with us or with her and it just always felt like she was hiding something. She would be all distant then come right back, like she was guilty.

"I can't wait," I said and she kissed me again. I turned back to my work on the desk but I could feel her eyes still on me. When I faced her again she had a small hint of a smile playing on her lips. I raised my eyebrow.

"Did you do something with your hair?" she said.

"Not really…"

"It looks different."

"I just parted it to the other side."

She tilted her head and trailed her fingers through my hair, playing with my bangs between her fingertips.

"I like it. It's cute like this."

I blushed, not used to that much affection as of late. But it was nice and I smiled back at her. And I wished that our nights could have been that easy all the time. But it was rare we were that loving anymore. I cherished those moments, as small and infrequent as they were.

"Thank you."

"I'm going to head to bed early; are you still doing homework?"

"Yeah, I just need to finish writing this paper then I'll be done. Why?"

"Nothing, I'm just going to leave the TV on and I didn't want to bother you."

"No don't worry about it."

"Okay, come join me when you're done," she said and kissed my forehead. "Goodnight, angel."

Those were the better parts of our…downward spiral. She would act like she was still even remotely interested in me and it made me think there was hope to salvage our relationship. But it only lasted a few months before she stopped trying to make up for…well, anything.

She would eventually just not bother with the sweet gestures or the dates, even when I would be the one trying. I'd try to take her out or do something nice for her, just to get her to warm up to me again and maybe soften this rough exterior she had developed over time.

She was still the biggest mystery and I still would have loved to hear the things she said. But that would require us actually communicating like normal people.

She started taking more shifts at work, spending less time with me, complaining that she wasn't feeling well or was too tired to do anything when she finally had free time to spend with me.

Everything went from us being obsessed with each other to _I'm not in the mood_ and _I'm tired_ and of course my all-time favorite _can we not do this right now_.

Calling her out on it was exhausting. I hated fighting in general, with anyone at all, but I especially hated fighting with her. Throughout the beginning of our relationship we hadn't fought all that much. We were both people who tried to avoid arguments at all costs and couldn't stand to be mad at each other. I didn't know what the hell happened to that.

Sophomore year of college was mind numbing.

We were so dysfunctional.

We got to the point where I would purposely just not talk to her to avoid arguing; that's how bad it got. If I mentioned what was going on between us she would just get defensive and give me attitude.

I remember the day it all blew up.

I came into our room and she was just lying on our bed reading _Lolita_. I asked her how her day was and all she did was shrug and mumble something I didn't even comprehend.

Maybe I was just having a bad day already. Maybe that on top of the fact that I was just so fed up with having a girlfriend that didn't even want to be around me anymore made me as upset and annoyed with her as I was.

"Alright, what the hell is going on, Alex?" I asked suddenly.

"What?"

"Don't _what_ me I know you know what I'm talking about. You're a smart girl and I don't believe for a second that you're unaware of this _bullshit_."

She glanced up from the pages of her book, stared at me for a couple seconds, then went right back to reading. I couldn't believe she was trying to push it aside again. Granted, it's what I had been doing the whole time because I didn't want to accept that we actually had problems. But enough was enough.

"Alex!" I yelled and she glared at me, seemingly confused.

"Why are you yelling?"

"Why are you being so annoying? God, am I losing my mind or do you really think what you're doing is okay?"

"What I'm doing? What am I doing?"

"You…you're so secretive; it's like I don't even know who you are anymore."

"That's crazy."

"No Alex, you know what's crazy? The fact that my own _girlfriend_ can hardly stand to be around me anymore. You've been so hot and cold with me…like, ever since we moved in together. If this has become such a problem then maybe we shouldn't be roommates anymore."

I didn't know what else to do. I was always so afraid of suggesting moving out because I felt that adding _actual_ distance would destroy us completely. Who's to say that she wouldn't just fall off the face of the Earth completely and use it as an excuse to literally _never _see me anymore?

I was going to lose her either way.

"You want me to move out?"

"I'm not saying it like _that_ but I mean…I don't know what to do anymore. This is so tiring. I feel like no matter what I do you just don't give a shit. I don't want to pry or feel like I'm so needy or invasive but my _God_ this is ridiculous."

"What is?"

"Oh would you just stop playing dumb! I've been biting my tongue for months and I'm sick of this. I'm so sick of feeling this way, like I did something to push you away and make you be so cold with me."

"If you had such a problem with me why couldn't you just say it?" she asked, a little harsher than her original tone. And I was taken a little aback. I shouldn't have been. Because it was typical. I hated that something like that had become _typical_.

"See, you're doing it now. You just pick fights with me."

"You're the one who started yelling at me out of nowhere."

"This isn't like you, Alex. What the fuck happened to us? What's going on that you don't want to talk to me or hang out with me?"

My voice was weak, breaking at the worst moments and it was hard to control it when I was busy fighting back tears. She looked me in my eyes and I knew she could see it. But she looked away, closing her book.

"What is it?" I asked desperately. I needed answers for once.

"What do you want me to say, Mitch?"

It was amazing how she managed to sound so cold yet so much calmer than I did. I let a few tears fall but was quick to wipe them away. I sat at the edge of the bed and she sat up.

"I want this to work. Like, I want it to work _so _badly. I love you so much Alex. But…"

"What? You want to break up?"

And it was the second she said it that it came to me. The way she just_ suggested_ it without me saying it. And I wasn't even headed in that direction. Alex may have driven me up the wall but I didn't want to end things because we were going through a…severely…rough patch. I wanted us to work on us. I wanted _her_ to actually _want_ to work on us.

And maybe a year before she would have. But by then she was just jumping to the idea of me leaving her; it made me so confused.

Why the hell would she bring it up?

Why the hell would she make this relationship so god damn difficult and then wonder why I'm upset?

Why the hell would she go to such an extreme without even _attempting_ to talk things through?

"What? Why would you think that?"

"Maybe it would be easier…"

"Easier than what? Actually working it out? You'd really rather call it quits?"

"Hey, you're the one who thinks we have so many problems."

"We _do_! You're just being ignorant and I honestly think it's on purpose. You're so different from the girl I met in high school."

"People change, Mitch."

"Not like _this_. You think it'd be easier for us to just break up but you don't think we have problems?" I asked her incredulously. She wasn't making sense anymore and I knew she was slipping up on this ridiculous act she was putting on.

"Well…"

And I figured if she was going to play games then so was I. I knew Alex way too well to honestly believe any of the crap that was coming out of her mouth then. She may have been brilliant but she had her moments where she was just so utterly stupid.

I stood back up from the bed and crossed my arms over my chest, looking at her with an intense gaze I prayed to God wouldn't falter throughout the rest of the conversation. I had to stand my ground. It was the only way to get through to her.

I looked her dead in the eye and said it.

"You want me to break up with you so bad then fine."

I don't think she was actually expecting me to go along with her not so subtle suggestion. She wanted to plant it in my head that I wanted us to break up when I couldn't stand the thought of being away from her, even when she was being more annoying than ever.

"What?" she asked. And it sounded like she was trying not to stutter or trip over her words. She actually looked a little surprised and it made my heart race.

"I love you Alex, I really do. But if you want me to end this then I will."

I stood there and watched her react.

She licked her lips and swallowed. Her eyes shifted to the bed, to the floor, to the walls, back to me, and then back to the bed again. She took a moment to steady her breathing. Then her eyes were looking into mine.

"You will?"

"Yeah…I will," I said and walked closer to her. I had to remind myself to keep my voice leveled and stay strong. "I will…if you could look me in my eyes…and honestly tell me that you don't love me anymore."

"Mitch-"

"Tell me," I said louder. "Tell me you don't want to be with me. You think we should break up? Go ahead, Alex. _Break up with me_."

She was still sitting there, refusing to look at me anymore. But I couldn't take my eyes off of her. When she moved her head to avoid my gaze somewhere else I caught the tears shining in her eyes.

She had been an emotionless robot for months and all of a sudden she was turning into a mess.

"I…" she choked out and it nearly broke my heart to see her like that. She was the cause of all of it and yet I wanted to comfort her.

I just wanted to know what the hell was going on.

"Break up with me, Alex," I repeated but she was still having trouble getting her words out. She looked like she was about to break down any second. "Break up with me."

"I can't!" she screamed at me suddenly. She coughed out a sob and brought her hand over her face. "I can't, okay."

I didn't say anything. I just waited. She was openly crying, occasionally coughing some more and sniffling, muffled by the palm of her hand. I had to fight the urge to wrap my arms around her.

"I can't sit here and tell you I don't want to be with you or that I don't love you," she admitted and I walked even closer, kneeling in front of her. I put my hands on her knees and she finally looked at me with tears in her eyes and so many emotions I just _could not_ for the life of me understand.

I knew she didn't really want it. I knew she wouldn't be so cold to me because she would actually treat me that way.

I brought my voice down.

"Then why would you want me to break up with you?"

"Because I…I thought," she stammered and wiped her eye with the back of her hand. "I thought it would…be easier."

"You wanted me to break up with you…so you wouldn't have to do it?" I asked and I for some reason just wanted to lie down on our bed with her and have her lay in my arms and I would tell her it would all blow over and whatever it was that was going on, we would get through it. But I couldn't.

I just didn't understand what was happening to us.

"I couldn't, Mitch. I can't."

"And what the fuck makes you think that I could?"

My tears were coming back, I could feel them. And I didn't even have the strength to keep them from falling down my cheeks. I wanted so badly for her to stop all this and just be honest with me. Just tell me what the hell was going on with her.

"I don't know. But it's better this way," she cried.

"_How_?"

"It just is," she said, another sob wracking her body. "This isn't going to work."

I tried to understand her through her tears and I hoped to God that I had heard her wrong but the broken look on her face was more than enough to tell me I was about to be punched in the gut.

"What are you talking about? Why not? What is it that's so bad that you have to end this?"

We were both crying. And I was still holding onto her knees, pleading with her to just fucking _look at me_ and give me some kind of an explanation. Anything at all.

But she said nothing.

"Don't do this, Alex. _Please_ don't do this."

But I knew there was no use. Her mind, as conflicted as it was, was made up. And she had to break both of our hearts in the process.

Her voice was so weak. She shook her head and simply whispered, "I can't."

* * *

**Chapter/song title: Slow Dancing In A Burning Room by John Mayer **

**aka perfection**


	5. Go Your Own Way

**glad you liked the last one, feedback is always wonderful. again...you might hate me for this.**

**enjoy, let me know what you think.**

* * *

5. Go Your Own Way

_How can I ever change things that I feel?  
__If I could, baby I'd give you my world  
__How can I when you won't take it from me?_

* * *

Things were painfully awkward and tense after our fight.

It was clear as day that she was ready to end things between us but what didn't make sense to me was how _sad_ she was about it. At first she had the nonchalant bitterness towards the whole thing but after calling her out on everything she started to break down.

It was never really established, where we stood after all that. She wanted me to break up with her and I told her to break up with me if she wanted it so badly. But neither of us said anything else on the matter. She needed to cry and I needed air so I went for a walk and left her in our room.

When I came back she was asleep and I didn't bother waking her to argue again.

It was weird after.

It was like we were an old married couple that was too lazy to get a divorce. I wanted us to talk it out and work on our issues, _whatever_ they were. But she wouldn't budge. All she ever said was that she couldn't _do this anymore_.

I didn't even know what that meant

Like, what could I have possibly done to make her not want to be with me anymore? I'd ask but she would turn it around and tell me I didn't do anything. Then it would just make me wonder what _she_ could have possibly done.

I tried to talk to her about everything. You know, maybe we could salvage what was left of us. But she would just make excuses every time. Sometimes she would flat out deny me the chance to discuss anything that was wrong.

But the weirdest part happened on every Thursday night.

By the time college had started, when Alex and I were merely freshman, still young and excited in a new school in a different part of New York, I was more comfortable with my music. I used to play only for myself, my family, Shane, and…of course…Alex.

And she was my biggest fan. Always has been, and always will be.

Since the moment she heard me play, even the first time she learned that I _could_ play, she had been completely enamored with the idea of me and my guitar. I would bring it to school more often and on the days we would _run into each other_ we would sit outside and I would play and she would listen and I would blush and she would smile.

After a while we got used to it, to each other, and our company. She asked me one day if I sang as well. She knew I wrote and played but was just so curious. Her eyes practically lit up when she asked me.

"I mean…I don't know. I'm not much of a singer, I guess," I said.

"Anyone could be a singer," was her response. "When an artist loves what they're doing, you can hear it in their voice. That's what's missing from a lot of the musicians out there today. The popular ones, anyway."

"I can still sound bad."

"If you write or play something that means something, something you truly feel, then it can't be bad."

I took a moment to just sit there, my guitar in my lap and my fingers still on the fret board, and think about what she said. I was nowhere near the level of some of the great, even mediocre, artists out there that could actually make people feel something. I wanted to, one day, but I couldn't have been then.

"I think you're giving me too much credit here, Alex."

"Oh don't be silly, Mitchie. You love music for all the right reasons. The people that are famous and popular now, most of them are just entertainers. They're just performers. It takes a lot more than just a catchy song, a label, and good management to be a singer, or a musician in general. You know…_artists_."

"You think I'm an artist?"

"I think you can be."

I plucked a few strings mindlessly, not sure which song I was playing or if I was playing anything at all. And I looked back up at her and she was watching my fingers carefully, entranced by the movement and the sounds that followed.

"You really think so?"

"It shouldn't matter if I do or don't. I do. But it shouldn't matter."

"Well I like to know that there are people out there who believe in me."

"You have a point."

It was quiet again and I actually enjoyed it. The wind lightly blew past us and she got more comfortable on the ledge, crossing her legs and sitting Indian style next to me. I had my own legs hanging over the edge, my sneakers barely grazing the ground. I strummed for a second and then looked back at her.

"Do you know how to play?" I asked.

I realized she had never mentioned it; she was only curious as to whether I did or not. And then she got excited and it was all about me after that.

She glanced at my guitar and back at me and smiled, shaking her head.

"Sadly, no. I wish though. It's something I have always wanted to learn."

"So why don't you?"

She looked down at her lap and played with her shoelace between her fingers. And she just shrugged.

"I don't know. No time?"

"You can always make time. I think you can get the hang of it, I mean…I learned online. I could always teach you if you really want."

"Really?"

"Yeah of course."

Her smile widened just a little as she pushed some stray strands of hair behind her ear. And even then, when I didn't really have feelings for her beyond friendship, I thought it was adorable.

"I might take you up on that offer one day."

The closer we got the more I shared with her, my music in particular.

I wasn't exactly opposed to her hearing me sing but I was nervous at first. I would always just play and she would usually recognize the song without the words. We would do that often; sometimes even for fun I would try to learn new songs just to try and stump her. I almost never did.

But it was special to me, sharing my music with her. It's what had started that bond between us so many years ago and I had her to thank for branching out a bit, as ironic as that sounds. She opened my eyes, and ears, to new music and encouraged me to try new things.

When we started college out in Long Island Alex, Shane, Nate, and I found this local bar called Murphy's. They weren't strict with ID's so we never had a problem. Plus, Alex didn't drink which worked out since she looked the youngest.

It was a nice place; the food, the drinks, the atmosphere, and people. But they also had live music on Thursday nights, something that caught Alex's attention. She had suggested it to me numerous times before I finally caved.

The first time I was practically shaking. It was dark with just a couple lights on me and everyone's eyes staring at me sitting on a wooden stool with my guitar in my trembling hands.

"Don't be nervous; you're going to be wonderful," she had said to me before I walked out on the makeshift stage in the back of the bar.

"I think I'm gonna throw up," I told her.

"I believe in you."

"I know you do. And thank you."

I fidgeted with the guitar strap on my shoulder and let out an unsteady breath. I had never done anything like that before and I thought I would have a better handle on it but when the time came I just wanted to run.

Alex could tell just by looking at me that I was scared. I was never used to having so many people just _watching_ me. She glanced down at her wrist for a moment and loosened her bracelet. It was one of those knotted string ones, in an arrow pattern of green, red, yellow, and black.

She pulled it from around her hand and took my wrist to slip it on. She tightened it a bit and smiled down at it. I raised one of my eyebrows when she looked back up at me and she breathed out a light laugh through her nose.

"What's this for?" I asked.

"I don't know," she shrugged. "For good luck."

"I didn't know you considered this a lucky bracelet."

"I do now."

"I don't think it works that way, love."

"Things are only special because you believe they are. If you didn't, then…it's just another bracelet."

"Can't I do that with just about anything then?"

"Would it really mean as much?"

"I guess not."

"But at least with this you know it's from me. And this way when you're out there and you feel nervous you can have something of mine with you, kind of like having me there with you," she explained and I chuckled softly at her, to which she pouted. "It's supposed to be comforting."

"It is, sweetheart. Thank you."

"You're welcome. Just breathe; you're going to be great."

She put her hands on my shoulders and it calmed me down a bit. And I smiled back when she leaned in to kiss my lips quickly.

My heart was still beating rapidly but I felt oddly at ease, just a little bit. I took a deep breath like she had suggested and pushed my guitar around to my back so I could pull her into a tight hug.

"I love you," I said.

"I love you too."

She returned the embrace just as warmly and I started to feel like maybe I could actually do it. I was about to go in front of a crowd of random people and actually _sing to them_. She let me go and I fixed my guitar just as she started to head back to where our friends were sitting.

Before she left she turned around and called my name. I looked up and she winked.

"You got this, angel."

The lights weren't too bad. And there were still people throughout the bar that were engaged in their own conversations and their own lives who just didn't feel like paying attention to the live music.

The people that usually played, even the ones that went before me, varied in talent. Some were really good, some were okay, and some just played things I wasn't into. But I respected all of them for going up there and playing anyway. They were doing what they loved doing, just like I was.

I adjusted the microphone and sat.

The urge to throw up returned full force I thought I was going to double over at any second.

"Um…hi," was my brilliant opener. I swallowed and cleared my throat. "I'm Mitchie Torres. Uh…this is actually my first time performing here…or…at all. So I thought I'd just do a few old covers. You guys like old songs, right?"

I was shocked to hear most people shout some type of an agreement.

"Oh, wow," I laughed. "Okay awesome."

I double checked the tuning one last time, plucking a few strings, and looked back up. Alex was sitting with Nate and Shane nursing a plastic cup of diet Coke, smiling up at me brightly. I glanced back at my wrist and her bracelet resting on it. I exhaled.

"So…I'm gonna start off with one of my favorites; some '67 Van Morrison."

With some newfound confidence, I smiled, winking at Alex as I started strumming. She laughed and shook her head, blushing as she looked down at her cup.

I thanked God my voice didn't come out shaky like it felt and I didn't choke and forget the words. I had played _Brown Eyed Girl_ too many times to mess it up in front of a fucking _crowd_. And I knew Alex loved the song as much as I did. I played it for her once before, joking and laughing how she was my brown eyed girl.

…_In the misty morning fog with our, our hearts a-thumping and you, my brown eyed girl._

She was beaming the whole time and I found it so unbelievably cute how excited she was that I was actually playing in front of people. And they seemed to be enjoying it. My nerves faded as the song went on. And I found myself having fun instead of worrying.

_Do you remember when we used to sing?_

It was a weird feeling; weird but surprisingly incredible. I knew I loved music. And playing made me feel happy in ways I could never even begin to explain. It's just part of who I am. But I never imagined the feeling of getting up in front of a bunch of people who enjoy music just as much as I do and playing for them, sharing my love for music with them.

…_Sometimes I'm overcome thinking about making love in the green grass behind the stadium with you, my brown eyed girl._

And there was something oddly satisfying about singing about loving another girl in front of a crowd that just didn't seem to give a shit.

As Alex would say, "It doesn't matter because music is music…if the heart and soul are there."

When I finished people actually clapped and looked like they wanted to listen to me and it gave me a new sense of happiness I had never felt before. It was a happiness different than the kind I felt with Alex. But I loved it all the same.

I only played a couple other songs, keeping the theme in the 60s and I loved how people were into it. The bar was filled with a mix of college students and adults varying in age and I was glad they enjoyed the same music as I did.

After that night I started going there more frequently, feeling some sort of a high from performing, even if it was just a bar. It didn't matter because it was something I loved doing. A couple more months into our freshman year and I became a regular every Thursday night.

In the two years that I had played at Murphy's, there wasn't a single Thursday where Alex wasn't in the bar. Whether she came with Nate or Shane or my parents or sometimes her older brother Justin when he would be home from school, she would always be there. She even brought her dad one time.

And he was actually impressed. I felt like I had done something incredible like I finished the New York marathon or something.

When we started to drift and have problems, when they weren't _so_ completely serious, we would always take any issues and sweep them under the rug for the night and she would come and support me.

Even when I felt like she was being distant, ignoring and avoiding me, even when we were fighting, even when we had reached that point in our relationship where she was deliberately mean to me and pushing me away, she _still_ sat there every Thursday just to watch me play.

After our big fight I expected that all to stop.

She wanted me to break up with her. She wanted things between us to just end. Why would she still want to come to a bar and support me? It didn't make sense. But the Thursday after we fought I held my guitar in my hands and looked around the room.

And sure enough…there she was.

I was playing all Tom Petty for reasons I couldn't remember. I still had her bracelet. I wore it every time I would perform. It gave me peace and comfort and the motivation I needed when I would get nervous. It reminded me of how much she believed in me from the very start.

I couldn't believe she actually showed up after everything.

Her presence actually made me a little nervous and calmed me down all at the same time. I tried not to mess up the chords or lyrics to _Learning to Fly_ while she stared at me the whole time. I went through my short setlist feeling like I was playing for the first time all over again.

I didn't know what it meant, her being there.

She was alone. And she was sitting at the bar in the back instead of closer to where I was playing. I didn't know if it made me happy or upset. I mean, she wouldn't talk to me and wanted to break up with me…but she could still come and hear me play?

I remember ending the performance with _Wildflowers_ and looking to where Alex was sitting by herself. She had a half empty glass of water in front of her and quickly finished it off when the song was over.

I wanted to go up to her so I could finally have an _actual_ conversation about everything. I stood from the barstool and watched as she too got up from her seat and head towards the back exit where Nate was waiting for her. He put his hand on her back as he ushered her out the door.

Now…I had never wanted to break my guitar before…for whatever reason. But that night I came awfully close as I gripped the neck and fought the urge to smash it into the floor.

I went home shortly after and walked into an empty dorm room again. And I cried. I wasn't entirely sure of the exact reasons. I was tired. I was upset. I was angry. I was annoyed. But most of all I was just _confused_. And I was so sick of being left in the dark.

It was already pretty late after playing at Murphy's and I wasn't sure how long I had stayed up just sitting there on my bed wondering where the hell my girlfriend was. It was maybe around one in the morning when the door opened.

Alex walked in and seemed surprised to see me still awake considering I had class the next morning. She dropped her things on the desk and took her coat and shoes off. She didn't say anything to me and I just watched her change into a pair of shorts and a t-shirt.

"So you came tonight…" I said quietly, staring at a loose thread on the comforter. I picked at it and plucked it off.

"Yeah."

"Why?"

"What do you mean? I always go."

"No one's forcing you."

"No one ever was."

"So…you don't want to talk to me…you don't want to spend time with me…you don't want to even _be_ with me. But you still want to come support me when I play at a bar?"

"Mitch…" she sighed and climbed into bed under the covers. I stayed sitting at the foot of it.

"I'm waiting for an actual answer this time."

"I'm tired, Mitchie."

"I really don't care. This isn't okay, Alex. You can't just come home acting like nothing is wrong. I get that none of this seems to matter to you anymore but don't you see that you're breaking my heart?"

"I'm not trying to."

"Oh don't give me that. Yes you are. That's exactly what you're doing. So I would break up with you, remember? And we have yet to call it quits. So can we just get this over with already? Because the more we stay like this the more you just keep hurting me and I am sick of feeling this way."

I lied down in bed next to her and she turned over onto her back and looked up at the ceiling. I watched her breathe out and drag her hands over her eyes. And the next breath she let out sounded like she was repressing her crying.

"I don't understand you," I told her calmly.

"I'm sorry," she said. "I know I'm not being fair. And you don't deserve this at all. I just…this isn't going to work…but I can't stand the thought of not being with you."

"How does that even make sense? What's stopping us? Besides you…"

"I don't want to hurt you."

"You already are."

"No, I'm just gonna hurt you more. Please, Mitchie. Break up with me; I can't do it."

"So if I don't do it then we're just going to be stuck in this miserable back and forth forever? You can't even give me an explanation."

"I _can't_."

"Yes you can. Just tell me. I can't just break up with you without knowing."

"Why not?"

"Because I love you, Alex!" I shouted. "God…don't you love me too?"

"I do, Mitchie…so much. But that's just it."

Her words were almost unrecognizable, muffled by her hand or her tears. I lied there and watched her cry. I didn't know what else to do or say. And I realized she looked exactly like I did. Everything she seemed to be feeling…exactly like me.

Upset, angry, hurt, tired, _confused_.

I didn't know how to react. I reached out and gently brushed some of her hair away from her face.

"I can't be mad at you and want to comfort you at the same time." I said softly. "This isn't okay."

"I know."

She finally moved her hand, tears still lingering on her cheeks. She looked broken and I wanted nothing more than to know everything she wasn't telling me because I knew she was holding so much back.

"I'm trying so hard to make this work, Alex. But you're not giving me much to work with. I can't be the only one in this relationship. You've got to meet me halfway. _Please_."

"It's not worth it," she mumbled.

"_How_?"

"Because I'm not…"

"What are you talking about? Of course you are."

It made no sense. But then again almost nothing about Alex ever did.

She turned over onto her side, closer to me, and cried into my shoulder. And I thought maybe, just maybe, we could fix things. She wasn't being cold; she was so fragile. So I brought my arm around her and pulled her against me.

"It's okay, Alex," I told her, although I had no idea. She had even said she was hurting me. And she was only going to hurt me more. Why was I so optimistic about her having her mind dead set on ending things? _This isn't going to work_. She shook her head and I kissed her temple.

I was getting myself into such a mess, I just knew it.

When she lifted her head and pressed her lips against mine, I knew. I was going to regret everything. She was hurting me and I was letting her. She held the sides of my face and kissed me harder.

I shouldn't have kissed her back. I shouldn't have rolled us over. I shouldn't have kissed her neck. I shouldn't have taken her clothes off. I shouldn't have enjoyed her breath on my skin. I shouldn't have wanted any of it when I knew deep down nothing was going to change.

It happened so fast, like I blinked and she was kissing me. And not just kissing me but kissing me like she used to. And it made me want to break down and cry. The feelings of being ignored and shut out by her just clouded my head but I just _missed_ her.

I was just hurting myself though.

She was hurting me. I was hurting me.

No matter what, I ended up hurt.

And I expected us to go back to what we were before she kissed me. Not like how we were before things started to get so unbearably painful, back in high school when nothing mattered. That was just wishful thinking.

No, we were just going to go back to her still being so sure that we weren't going to work out and even though she _loved _me we just shouldn't be together. Regardless of the fact that I was willing to do just about anything for her, she just wouldn't let me.

I expected all of that. What I didn't expect was to wake up the next morning, having fallen asleep finally holding Alex in my arms after what felt like an eternity of solitude, and once again feeling completely alone.

I opened my eyes and she was gone.

And like our bed, I was empty.

It hurt. My head hurt and my heart, _God_, my heart fucking hurt. But I couldn't cry. My chest felt tight, like someone was standing on it as I was lying on that mattress. And every breath I took was going to crack my ribs and crush my lungs.

I remember lying in bed for a majority of the day. And when I had to go back to class and then work, I would come home after and lie down again. I ignored calls and texts from Shane, my parents, even Caitlyn or Danielle from down the hall when they would knock on my door to see if I wanted to do _something_.

I didn't want to see anyone but Alex.

But she never came home.

I didn't know where she was. And as the week went on my numbness started to fade back into anger and confusion. She wouldn't answer me just like I wouldn't answer anyone else. I tried getting through to Nate but he wouldn't answer me either. I even tried getting Shane to talk to Nate about it.

Nothing.

It came to a point where I couldn't take it anymore. What even were we? Was her vanishing act her own twisted way of ending things between us without saying it to my face? Was she that much of a coward that she couldn't give me the decency of a face to face break up or, god forbid, an explanation?

I was fuming by Wednesday. It had almost been a full week of absence and I was done with it. I loved her but, Jesus Christ, I did not deserve to be treated this badly. I did everything I could with her, I did everything I could _for_ her and she just didn't care.

She was just throwing us away.

I knew Alex had work for most of the day and I was determined to talk to her whether she wanted to see me or not. I was so beyond done with whatever bullshit she was pulling. And if confronting _again_ meant that it was it for us then so be it. I couldn't do it anymore.

I had class all day that day. When I got out of my last one I arrived at the Stop & Shop she worked at. I headed to the bakery section I knew she worked at, right next to the deli kiosk where Nate worked. When I didn't see her anywhere I couldn't be bothered with searching the store so I went to her manager.

"Where's Alex?" I asked, cutting right to the chase. I was done putting in so much effort when she didn't even care.

"Russo? She's not here."

And then I was just confused even more than before. Alex and I knew each other's schedules and I knew she worked until eight on Wednesdays, about an hour after I got out of class. Why the hell wouldn't she be there?

"What do you mean? Doesn't she work until eight?"

"No, she only works until five."

"Five?"

"Yeah, but she went home early today. She and Nate left together at like…noon."

It was like she was standing right there in front of me, reaching into my chest and pulling my heart out just throw it on the floor and stomp the life out of it before running it over with a truck. I knew she had a tendency to be secretive but to find out she had been blatantly _lying_ to my face for years…

And for _what_?

She wouldn't ever give me a God damn reason as to why she was doing any of it. I was just left alone to wonder, sitting in my own head with that confusion and hurt and betrayal. Where had it all gone wrong?

I went home. I went all the way back to residence and back to our dorm room, the one we shared as if it were our own _home_ yet she hadn't been there in forever. But walking in that night was like all my emotions just bubbled to the surface and I couldn't breathe.

I opened the closet and her drawers and looked all around the room just to make sure I wasn't imagining things. But everything was gone. Everything Alex had ever owned and left in our room was just…gone.

I had become used to Alex not being there. But her stuff would always still remain where they were. But they were actually gone and I didn't know what to do. She was finally and completely _gone_.

I sat at the foot of the bed, _our _bed that was now just _mine_, and stared at the emptiness of the dorm. It looked like she never even lived there. All traces of her…gone.

I glanced down and tried to breathe in without the pain in my chest building. There by my left hand was a folded up piece of paper. I didn't want to look at it. I knew just by looking at it, just by the knots twisting in my stomach when I looked at it, I knew it was from her. And I knew the second I opened it…it would be real.

But I knew it was. And I couldn't avoid it. I couldn't avoid the reality anymore that we were over. I reached for the paper and flipped it open. Staring at it, I felt the weight of reality crashing down. And I cried.

Three words. That was it.

_I'm sorry, angel_

* * *

**chapter/song title: Go Your Own Way by Fleetwood Mac**


	6. Half Mast

**I know you hate me for the last chapter. can't promise this one's any better lol**

**but I hope you like it :$**

**leave a review and let me know**

* * *

6. Half Mast

_Hear me now.  
__I'm down on knees and praying though my faith is weak  
__Without you so please baby, please give us a chance  
__Make amends and I will stand until the end  
__A million times a trillion more_

* * *

_I'm_ _sorry, angel_.

That's all I got from her after she packed literally everything and just _left_ _me alone_. I couldn't believe it. After everything we had been through, after nearly _four_ years of being together, she was just going to toss me aside like I was nothing and not give me more than three fucking words as a goodbye?

It just broke me. It absolutely broke me. I cannot even begin to explain the kind of pain I felt sitting there on my bed staring at that piece of paper. She couldn't have even said it to my face. No, she moved out and all she left was a _note_.

There's something particularly painful about being left like that, when you don't even see it coming. I mean, granted, yeah I knew things were coming to an end whether I liked it or not. I wasn't stupid; I knew I wouldn't be able to get through to Alex then. But it just hit me out of nowhere.

You come home expecting everything to be the way it was and suddenly everything has changed.

I couldn't believe it. Everything was perfectly clear but I couldn't believe she would leave like that. I didn't know how to handle it. How can you possibly react to that? I was so used to her being in my life. And she had become _such_ an important part of it by then.

I couldn't describe the pain even if I tried. It was an actual physical pain in my chest. I would try to breathe in but it would feel like someone hit me in the stomach with a baseball bat and the wind was knocked out of me. It hurt to cry. But I had nothing else.

So I cried.

I don't know for how long, but I cried my eyes out. I cried until my eyes burned. I cried until I couldn't breathe. I held my pillow over my face and screamed until lungs gave out. At some ungodly hour of the night, or morning, I wore myself out and fell asleep still in my clothes and shoes from the day.

And when I woke up I was numb. I knew I was still so unbelievable upset but perhaps I was just too tired to feel anything after the night before. And it worried me a little. But I didn't know if I wanted to feel something.

This has never happened to me before. Alex was my first love and I honestly just felt lost without her. I kept to myself for a while because it just felt strange being so alone. I never thought I could get so attached to anybody in my life. And I hated the feeling of being so dependent. But I hated not being with her even more.

It was maybe a week or so before Shane demanded I stop holing up in my dorm room all by myself and actually go out and do something. I didn't want to. The thought of going anywhere and interacting with actual people made me uncomfortable and, quite frankly, incredibly sad.

I was doing a good job after the initial shock wore off the first night, or at least I thought I was. Putting my pain on the backburner seemed like a good idea at the time but I never realized that putting off coping with anything would never work. It will always come back until you actually deal with it, no matter what it is.

I figured Shane would come find me eventually if I didn't give in to his requests. So I told him I'd hang out. The only time I ever went _out_ since Alex left me was on Thursday to play at Murphy's.

It was probably the most depressing set I've ever played in my life.

But I was glad the bar patrons enjoyed my cover of _Yesterday_ by the Beatles and a more mellow rendition of Joy Division's wonderfully bitter _Love Will Tear Us Apart_. Though _mellowing it down_ doesn't take away from Ian Curtis's ever-grim lyrics in quite literally all of his songs. The crowd would have to just deal, I figured.

I don't know what I was thinking, however, when I closed with Hootie and the Blowfish's _Let Her Cry_.

Alex was sitting in the back again, I noticed halfway through my set. She left me and still showed up to hear me play. I didn't even want to talk to her. It physically pained me to get through the song while she was looking at me the whole time. I nearly had to choke back my tears and prayed no one would hear it.

_Let her go, let her walk right out on me…_

Why was I putting myself through the torture of singing about my broken heart? Why was I making those poor people suffer the miserable setlist I had constructed that night? And how the hell was I not breaking down while the girl that broke my heart was sitting _right there_?

_Last night, I tried to leave. Cried so much, I could not believe she was the same girl I fell in love with long ago._

And it was too dark to tell but she almost seemed as broken as I did. But I didn't know if I was just kidding myself back then.

_And if the sun comes up tomorrow, let her be._

I wonder if the people in the bar could tell I was heartbroken. Did I make it obvious enough?

I didn't even say anything when I finished. I normally said some sort of a farewell or a thank you but I needed to get out of the bar and away from Alex. I didn't care to see if she came with Nate waiting for her again; I just had leave. I didn't think it would be so hard to see her after everything.

I sat in my car for a long time. I don't know what I was planning on doing but I just needed to be by myself again. I cried relentlessly with my forehead against my steering wheel. It was late and dark and I was all alone and I just let out the week's worth of pain and frustration and just all around sadness.

After that night I went back to being numb until Shane finally got through to me.

I was relieved when his idea of me _going out_ was just going to his house to hang out so I would finally be around someone else and actually interact with them. I wasn't completely up for it but I didn't want him to think I was shutting him out. And he was always a good friend to lean on.

"So…what actually happened?" was of course the first thing he asked me. Once we had gotten past the _how have you been_ bullshit he didn't bother stalling.

"Shane…I seriously wish I knew. I can't think of anything I did to make her leave."

"Then stop blaming yourself."

I expected him to say that. It was easier said than done; wasn't it always? Especially when I have no other explanation, how could I not?

"But…how am I supposed to just be okay with all of this? How am I supposed to go on about my day without knowing what broke us up?"

"Alex. That's what broke you up."

"That's not good enough!" I shouted but was quick to calm myself down. I sighed and rubbed my eye. "I love her. Even though she ended things and left me and after everything she's done…I can't help it. I still love her."

"I get that."

"Do you really? You don't think it's…I don't know, pathetic?"

"It hasn't been that long. It's, like, normal that you still do."

"I don't know. I thought you'd just be annoyed that I'm so hung up on someone that…destroyed me."

"I never had a problem with Alex. She's like…weird and stuff. And super quiet. And shy. And doesn't really have that many friends now that I think about it. And-"

"Shane, where are you actually going with this?"

"I mean, she was still like, you know, a good girlfriend, right? Before all this."

And that wasn't the first time I had thought about that. It confused the hell out of me. Because Alex really _was_ such a good girlfriend before everything went down. She was always so sweet and caring and only ever wanted to see me happy and I was the same with her.

We hardly fought. Sure we had our moments but it was just too hard for either of us to ever stay mad at each other. But ever since college it's like she just…didn't care anymore.

I hated thinking that way. Alex cared about me; I _knew_ she did. The whole point of breaking up with me, according to her, was because she didn't want to 'keep hurting me' and even if I didn't know what that meant I didn't want to just assume she didn't give a shit about me.

But it was like our relationship was something she could just so easily toss in the trash as if we _hadn't _been together for as long as we were. Seriously, we had been friends for four years by then and our relationship started near the end of our sophomore year. It should have been…I don't know, harder I guess, for her to just walk away.

"She was great," I said. "She was perfect."

"I don't get it," he said, shaking his head and flipping the channel on his television once a commercial came on.

"Neither do I."

"And you have no idea what could have possibly happened?"

"I don't know, Shane. The way she talked about it made it seem like she was guilty about something."

"Really?"

"Kind of."

I shrugged and leaned back into the couch more but Shane sat up, apparently more interested in the conversation than he was before.

"You know something…"

"Clearly, I don't."

"But you _suspect_ something. What is it?"

He was incredibly persistent but I hated thinking about it. I never actually said it out loud or even let myself dwell on it for too long because it just _bothered_ me. It's not something I wanted to believe was true and I didn't want some outside opinion agreeing with me to make me feel worse.

But Shane was my best friend. And if anything, I thought, there was a possibility he could help. I just didn't want to be right.

I leaned my head back and exhaled.

"I think your brother has something to do with it."

It was quiet after I said it. We both just sat there in silence for a bit. He stared at me and then the television, blinking only a couple times. He appeared to be lost in thought and I just didn't want to say anything else.

Shane and Nate were the kind of brothers that were close, friends even, but when it came to me and Alex we only ever hung out altogether. If I wasn't there, Shane would probably not hang out with Nate and Alex and Nate wouldn't hang out with me and Shane.

And I had never had a problem with Nate. I had always admired and respected any relationship Alex had with anyone; her brothers, her father, and her best friend. It was always so bewildering to me, and I was always so curious, why Nate was Alex's only friend. Well, until I came into the picture.

They had this interesting bond that I never saw her have with anyone else. The bond Alex and I shared was completely different. But her friendship with Nate was never something I was _jealous_ of. It was like my friendship with Shane; except he wasn't the only person I spoke to or associated with.

"Why do you think that?" he asked after what seemed like minutes of silence.

"Because…" I trailed off, running my hand through my hair. I twisted the ends between my fingertips and looked back at him. "I would be crazy if I thought they were too close, right?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, they're like us, right? Like, and we don't have feelings for each other."

"Why would I have feelings for a lesbian?"

I rolled my eyes and shoved his arm. But I was grateful for the first smile I cracked in God knows how long, even if it was barely there.

"Seriously Mitch, where are you getting any of this from?"

"I don't know. I feel like every time we have had problems recently, he was just…right there."

"Meaning…"

"Like…the night before she left I played at Murphy's, right?" I asked and he nodded. "Well she was there, just sitting by herself in the back of the bar, watching my set."

"Um…okay."

"And she sat through the whole thing alone. We were already so off and she was barely coming home anymore but she still showed up. And when I was done playing I wanted to go over and talk to her but she just got up and walked away the second I stood up. And Nate was there waiting for her at the back door."

"Well I mean…Alex doesn't drive. She probably needed a ride," he offered and I didn't want to admit how much sense it made as much as I didn't want to think I was right.

"But still…"

Shane looked like he was trying to think of something to say, perhaps to convince me that I was just being ridiculous. Before he could respond though the front door opened and his brother walked through.

For a moment there was a tension in the air as Nate stood in front of the doorway and just looked at us. He put his coat on the hook nearby and came over behind the couch.

"Hey," he said casually. But I wasn't in the mood to talk to him. I had worked myself up just from my seemingly ridiculous thoughts alone. And thankfully he walked upstairs and left us in the living room.

"Do you seriously hate him?" Shane asked once he was completely gone.

"I don't know, okay? I just want a reason as to why my girlfriend thinks she's hurting me and _we can't be together_."

"So that one incident at Murphy's is what you're basing all of this off of?"

"No…" I started and sighed again. "There's something else."

He turned to face me fully and urged me to continue. I thought I was going to puke for some reason. The room felt hot and I wanted to go back to my dorm and be alone.

"The day she left me…I went to Stop & Shop before I came back to our room to talk to Alex. She hadn't been back that whole week."

"Yeah, I remember you told me."

"Yeah, so like…I went there to finally have a conversation with her. So she gets out at eight, right? And I got there at like…I don't know, like seven-ish. And get this…she wasn't there."

"Um…Mitchie…that's not really-"

"She wasn't there because she gets out at _five_. And she has the whole time she's worked there."

"What? Are you serious?" he asked and I nodded. "So, for like…what, two years, she just has been leaving work three hours early?"

"Apparently. I only pick her up from work sometimes. The other times Nate drives her. I guess she just would always go back so I wouldn't suspect something if I was picking her up at eight."

"Huh…"

"What?"

"Nate gets out of work at five too," he said and I groaned loudly.

"Of course he does."

"Come on Mitch, I'm sure it doesn't mean anything."

"Then why did they both leave work together five hours early that day I went?"

"Wait…seriously?"

I nodded, remembering how confused and upset I was when I spoke to her manager. I hated being _that_ girlfriend that went looking for them at work or whatever but…I had no other options at that point.

Shane looked like he was starting to believe me; that maybe I wasn't so crazy and the whole idea wasn't entirely insane. He furrowed his brows and stood from the couch. He looked confused. But he looked annoyed too.

"Nate!" he shouted and I had no idea what he was doing but I had a bad feeling about it. "Nate!"

"What?" he called from upstairs.

"Come down here for a sec!"

We waited about fifteen seconds before we heard him bounding down the steps. But when he appeared in the living room Shane grabbed him by the shirt with one hand. Nate and I were both shocked at his brash behavior.

"Shane what are you doing?" I asked.

He wasn't being super aggressive but I still thought even the minor hostility was a bit much.

"What's going on with you and Alex?" he asked his brother and my eyes widened at the incredibly blunt question.

"_What_?"

"Don't be stupid; you know what I'm talking about."

"Chill the hell out and let go of me."

"I will after you tell Mitchie why you and Alex left work so early a couple weeks ago."

"Shane," I said calmly. The whole thing was getting out of hand and I knew Shane was extremely protective of me but I didn't want him to start a fight with his own brother. "Just let him go."

"It's alright Mitch, he's gonna answer my question."

"You're an idiot," he said to him before trying to pry his hand from his shirt. "She wanted me to help her move her stuff out of her dorm, okay? Are you happy now?"

I pressed my tongue to my cheek and tried to stop my stomach from turning at the memory of coming home to all of Alex's things missing. I exhaled through my nose and shook my head.

"Thanks," I said somewhat bitterly, but not entirely.

Shane finally let him go and he glared at him as he smoothed his shirt out.

"It was her idea."

"And you call me the idiot," Shane said.

"Look, I don't know why I'm the one getting the third degree, okay; _Alex_ is the one who's been lying to you."

"Whatever Nate, can you just," I sighed, "leave me alone?

He put his hands up and didn't even bother to argue with me and went back upstairs. Shortly after, Shane returned to his spot on the couch next to me.

"You okay?" he asked me.

I didn't even know. Was I okay? I didn't know what to make of what Nate said but I knew he was right. My problem was with Alex, regardless of what role he played in all of it. But he had a point. Alex was the one who was lying to me.

I lied down on the couch and leaned my head on his sweatpants covered thigh. He smelled like laundry detergent and Old Spice and it was familiar and comforting like he had always been.

And it made me happy because it was completely different from constantly being in my bed and having half of it still smell like Alex.

But it also made me sad because it was completely different from Alex and I missed her.

He put his hand on my shoulder and I let a tear or two slip out. And I squeezed my eyes shut and wiped them away before I ended up a complete mess.

"I'm sorry," I said, my voice slightly cracking.

"For what?"

"I'm trying not to be upset about it. And I know you don't want me to think about it but it's so hard, Shane; you don't understand."

"Have you…I don't know, maybe tried calling her?" he suggested.

"Not really. She doesn't want to talk to me. Besides, don't you think that makes me like…really weak?"

"I don't know."

I sighed again. Shane might have been my best friend but just like any guy, when it came to advice, he was better off as silent support. I didn't really expect him to know how to help when it came to my love life anyway…or two girls dating at all.

I remember how I couldn't stop thinking about it later that night. I was in my dorm room. I had been going through my closet looking for a hoodie to wear when I stumbled upon one of Alex's that she and Nate must have missed when they packed everything.

It was dark red with white pull strings at the hood and it smelled like her half of the bed.

I wanted to break down crying again. It hurt, holding her sweater in my hands, like it was the only thing I had left, like I was never going to see or hear from her again. And the thought of that made me feel so empty it made my chest start hurting.

I lied down on the bed, clutching the hoodie as if it was going to disappear and then I would have nothing of her there anymore. My phone was in my other hand and I was trying desperately to come up with reasons why I shouldn't call Alex.

She left me. She broke my heart with such a shitty explanation. She threw away everything we had and couldn't even give me the decency of a proper breakup or even a proper goodbye.

But I fucking _missed_ her.

I just wanted to hear her voice.

I wanted to beg for her to come back to me, as sad as that made me seem. I didn't care. I needed her and I wanted her to tell me the whole thing was a big mistake and that she loved me and more than anything wanted me to take her back.

I stared at my phone, still clinging to the sweater, and finally decided to dial her number.

It was a long shot that she would even pick up. In fact, I was betting on her not answering my call. I couldn't see any reason why she would after the way everything went down. But when I thought I was about to be sent to voicemail after multiple rings…

"Hello?"

I stopped a moment, my breath caught in my throat, and I almost forgot how to speak.

"You answered."

I didn't think I would actually be talking to her. I heard her sigh on the other end. I imagined her closing her eyes or pushing some of her hair behind her ear.

"Yeah."

"I…" I started but couldn't seem to get any other words out. What did I even want to say? I couldn't honestly remember. "I'm sorry."

I really was so tired of saying it all the time but I didn't know what else to do.

"Sorry for what?"

"I don't know. For calling. For anything I could have done to make you leave."

"…You didn't make me leave, Mitchie."

"Then _why_?" I asked and I knew I sounded sadder than I did a moment prior. It was clear in my voice and she could tell; I was sure of it. "Why did you leave? You owe me an answer, Alex. Don't I deserve that much after everything we've been through together?"

"Mitch…"

"And all you left was a fucking _note_?"

"I know it was such a cowardly thing to do but I just couldn't take looking at your face as I left. I couldn't."

"It's been over three years. I loved you and you know what? I still do. I don't want this Alex. I don't want to be away from you and I don't want to miss you this much when it's obvious that you can't possibly care and I don't want to feel so fucking helpless without you. My God, sleeping in this bed, in this _room_ drives me insane every night because I can't stop thinking about you. I don't want to think about you, Alex. If you're serious about things being over between us then I don't _want_ to feel like this. It hurts too much."

At that point in my rant I was already crying and there was nothing I could do about it. I was still able to speak somewhat clearly through my tears but it was still obvious. I couldn't tell what her facial expression would have looked like if we were having the conversation face to face.

I don't think I would have been able to handle that, anyway.

"I care about you, Mitchie. Just please don't ever think that I don't."

"How can you ask me to believe that?"

"Because it's the truth."

"Then why have you been lying to me? Why does Shane have to force answers out of his own brother about why you've been hurting me?"

"What did Nate say?" she said, sounding a little…nervous, I believe. And it should have been odd to me but I didn't really notice at the time because I was too busy trying not to completely fall apart again because of her.

"He said I should be asking you and not him."

"Mitchie…I don't like hurting you. And I don't like lying to you. But can't we please just leave things as they are?"

"Dammit Alex that's not fair to me!"

"I know it isn't. And I'm a terrible person for even asking that of you."

"You know what's even worse? Even after all of this I still want you."

"Mitchie…"

"Stop saying my name like that, _please_," I begged as my tears slowed a bit. But they were still lingering in the corners of my eyes. "I don't know what I'm doing."

"It's okay."

"You can't tell me that anymore Alex, you can't. I shouldn't be crying over you all the time, I shouldn't be calling you and listening to you tell me all these things and then _still_ want to be with you, I shouldn't be sent into a gut wrenching depression at the sight of a fucking _sweater_ you left behind. But I love you so much and I just want you to come back. I can't do this. I hate being so weak and I hate that I need you but I am and I do. We can make this work, Alex."

"You're not weak, Mitch. You've always been a strong girl. But I don't deserve it. You're right. You shouldn't love me. I've been lying to you long enough. I let this go on too long."

"What, you mean us?"

"Yes."

"So you wish we were never together."

"Mitchie I want to tell you that I wish I had never met you but I can't. I didn't want to hurt you. But…I let this go on too long," she said again and she sounded extremely sad for reasons I couldn't understand.

"What does that even mean? What is going on? How are you hurting me? What are you lying about? Is it Nate? Because I'd rather you just be honest with me; it would be less painful."

I waited with my phone pressed to my ear and her hoodie pressed to my chest. I caught the scent of her perfume from it and I shut my eyes and tried not to picture her in my mind.

I tried not to picture the last time she wore it, when she walked through the door after class one morning and I was still sleeping. And she crawled into bed next to me and woke me up by accident because she just wanted to _cuddle_.

I smiled and kissed her forehead and held her close.

I wished I could do that instead of crying onto her sweater.

"Oh…Mitch," she sighed sadly. And she left it at that. I felt a lump in my throat and hated that I still wanted her to tell me she wanted to be with me.

"I can't believe I'm on the phone practically begging," I said, laughing humorlessly. Or maybe my depression had made me delirious. "This is crazy."

"I'm sorry. I never meant for this to happen."

"I love you."

I don't know why I said it but I knew I still felt it and I knew I just wanted to hear her say it back, even if it would break me in two to hear it.

"I miss you so much," I told her. "I miss being even just your friend. I've never met anyone like you, Alex. And after four years I really can't picture not even being your friend anymore."

And I couldn't believe I was so desperate to have her back in my life that I was settling on being _just friends_ with her. I didn't think we'd ever get to that point but I was so unbelievably miserable and I was so tired of feeling that pain.

It was quiet for a while and I had to pull my phone away from my ear to check that she didn't hang up on me. She was still on the line and I waited until she spoke softly.

"I love you too, angel."

I felt the familiar sting that I could only describe as a knife being pushed into my heart and cruelly twisted around.

My voice trembled as the words fell from my lips.

"Please…_please_…don't call me that."

"There's nothing I can do to make this better. And I'm sorry. For everything."

"I just miss you, Alex."

Most people would think I was insane or completely idiotic for wanting her back after the way she was treating me. It was such bullshit and I shouldn't have had to put up with it and I knew that. But I always had faith in Alex and I never wanted to believe she would hurt me like that.

It was foolish of me, maybe, but I couldn't let her go. She was too important to me and I wanted to make it work. I would have rather lived blissfully ignorant of anything she lied to me about and hid from me and everything if it meant I could just have her back in my life.

I licked my lips as I waited and after another moment she let out a breath.

"I miss you too."

* * *

**chapter/song title: Half Mast (Slight Return) by Empire Of The Sun. or, also, The Spins by Mac Miller since it's sampled on it.**


	7. Like Eating Glass

**so I know you guys have been sUpEr patient with me and I thank you. As promised, you finally find out what's going on. next chapter goes into further detail.**

**some of you guessed it correctly lol. I really hope you enjoy the story though**

**you might hate me.**

**please let me know what you think**

* * *

7. Like Eating Glass

_And I know that you're busy too, I know that you care  
__You got your finger on the pulse. You got your eyes everywhere  
__And it hurts all the time when you don't return my calls  
__And you haven't got the time to remember how it was  
__It's so cold in this house_

* * *

The days following our phone conversation were…confusing, you could say.

She said she missed me and as conflicted as I was about the entire situation I actually kind of believed her. I felt like I shouldn't have because of how abruptly she had ended things between us. But she still couldn't give me an explanation at that point so I didn't exactly know what was keeping her from being with me.

Perhaps we really were better off not being together.

That thought crossed my mind only a few times and didn't linger. It was hard to keep that mindset. It's always hard when you love someone. It's almost impossible to let them go. You'll even know, like truly know in your heart, that you probably are better off without someone who keeps hurting you but there is always something that keeps you hanging on.

And God knows when you'll finally let go.

It took me a while. And to be honest I don't think I ever even made it to that point. I know there were times when I was completely fed up and thought, hey, you know what, maybe I deserve better than this. But I just wanted Alex and me to go back to the way we were before everything went up in flames faster than a rag soaked in gasoline.

Maybe it would have been easier if I had just cut her out of my life as she wanted to do with me. And I mean cut out completely. It was the only way and I knew that but I was just _so_ hopeful, to the point where it was almost sad, and I wanted to believe that she would come around and realize us being apart is a mistake.

And I really thought that it could happen at one point. After we had talked on the phone I didn't know if her telling me she missed me was a good thing or a bad thing. I didn't know if that meant that there was a possibility we could be friends.

It doesn't make sense, I know, and when I think of it now I realize how silly it was to be that hopeful when she had made it clear that we shouldn't even be in each other's lives. For God's sake she told me she wished she never met me. What was I supposed to think of that?

I wanted to talk to her again but at the same time I didn't want to push her further away. It was ridiculous; I was afraid of doing something to make her leave when she was already long gone. I didn't even know why.

So, I didn't call and I didn't text and I didn't bother to find out whether she went back home or if she decided to shack up with Nate. Shane had told me she crashed at their house a few times and after a while I thought it would be better if I just didn't know about it anymore.

One thing that should have infuriated and frustrated me to no end but looking back it was actually really sweet, she still came to see me play at Murphy's.

The first Thursday after I spoke to her on the phone I saw her sitting in the same spot at the back of the bar. I had become so comfortable playing in front of people by then but I remember I had to just look down at my guitar the whole time.

I had a better time getting through my set than the previous Thursday but I still felt nervous and sad and confused and I didn't understand why she was even there in the first place. I finished and actually managed to smile and thank people for listening to me. And when I noticed she didn't get up right away I made my way over.

Her eyes were on me, watching me as I approached her. I couldn't read the emotion on her face. And I don't even remember what the emotion on mine was. But I was getting more anxious with every step I took. I sat on the empty stool beside her with my guitar still on my back.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, very bluntly, and she didn't even seem fazed. She sighed and moved the straw around in her diet Coke. "I know you know I've seen you here before too."

"You sounded great, Mitch," she said.

"You didn't answer my question."

"That was my answer."

"That's not fair."

"I know."

"What do you want from me, Alex?"

It was hard enough when I couldn't seem to stop thinking about her but to have her show up in my life constantly was just bullshit. There I was trying to forget about her after _she_ broke things off but she thought it was okay to keep coming back.

She raised her glass to her lips and took a sip, keeping her eyes down the whole time. And while still staring at her cup she said, "Too much."

"What does that even mean?"

"It means you're right. I think it's best we don't see each other."

"You say that but you keep coming back here."

"I know. I just…" she let out a breath and finally looked up at me. And she looked both sad and confused. "I can't stay away."

"You can't _do_ that!" I shouted at her without entirely meaning to. I remember the bartender looking at me, thinking we were going to start some sort of physical altercation. I brought my voice back down. "You can't, okay? I can't keep trying to cut you out of my life when you won't fully cut me out of yours. It's obvious there's no chance for us since you are so completely sure about this and don't love me anymore and you-"

"I never said that."

"Then can you? God, Alex, I can't do this. Just say it. I want to hear you actually say it."

I don't know why I was so desperate to hear her tell me all of her feelings were gone. Did I believe she never loved me at all? No. But it had occurred to me, on more occasions than one, that maybe, perhaps, she did love me in the beginning of our relationship but somewhere along the line my feelings grew stronger and hers simply just…didn't.

I didn't know if that was the actual case at the time but it seemed like a possibility. I mean, I knew Alex. She wasn't a mean or cold hearted person, at all. But I couldn't come up with a reason as to why she would do all of that and still tell me she loved me. Did she just feel that bad for me or something? Or was she just too confused about her feelings and thought breaking up was the best way?

"I can't tell you that."

"Why _not_?"

"I already told you why not."

"This is bullshit. We can't be together then we can't be friends. But you still love me? No. I can't do this. It hurts too much to see you or talk to you when I know you've been lying to me and you won't ever give me an explanation even though you know damn well you owe me one."

"Do you hate me?" she asked randomly and it caught me by surprise. Did I? Hate is such a strong word; I didn't think it was possible to ever _hate_ Alex.

"Do you want me to? Because that's what it seems like."

And I never understood why, if she supposedly cared so much about me, why she would want me to hate her. I probably should have. Everyone told me I should. Everyone else probably did. But I loved her and it was just too hard to feel that way about someone who meant so much to me, who still means so much to me.

"This is hurting me too, Mitchie," she said and I scoffed before I could even raise my brows or roll my eyes or something equally dramatic. Because what in the world was _that_ supposed to mean?

"Oh for the love of God don't even start with that, Alex."

"With what?"

"This is so typical, holy shit, I can't believe we're having this conversation," I said as I shook my head and stood from the barstool. She grabbed my wrist but I was done talking.

"Do you think I like hurting you?"

"Honestly? Yeah. I think you're having a fucking blast. Can I go now?"

"I didn't _want _this to happen," she said, her voice slightly quieter but I still heard it crack at the end. Her eyes looked like they were fighting back tears and I hated that I actually felt bad for apparently upsetting her. "_Any_ of this."

"Well it did…whatever _this_ is."

She still held my hand in hers preventing me from leaving. She regained some of her composure, looking still upset and somewhat pissed. And I remember thinking how selfish it was that she looked even remotely mad. What was she even mad at? It couldn't have been me.

She was making it easier for me to walk away from her and keep to my original plan of cutting her out of my life until she let go of my hand and said, "I'm sorry."

I thought we were fighting. I thought it would just end with me leaving. But we had always been like that, completely unable to fight with each other like any normal couple.

"You can't keep saying that and expect everything to be okay."

"I don't. I don't expect anything, Mitch."

"Alex look…I hate to do this because I love you even though you're seriously getting on my last nerve. But either give me some sort of an explanation…or just please…_please_…leave me alone. Stop coming here and stop telling me you're sorry or that you care about me or you miss me or that you love me. I can't _do_ _this_ anymore."

I didn't even want to have the conversation at Murphy's. I didn't want to have it at all. But I would have much rather not been in a crowded room where although no one was actually paying attention to us it was still loud and dark and it made the situation feel even more overwhelming.

For a moment she sat on her stool and swished the half melted ice in her glass around. She exhaled through her nose and it sounded an awful lot like a laugh; a forced and quiet one, but a laugh nonetheless.

"Oh, sweetheart…"

"Don't," I mumbled.

"Do you remember the first time we got into an argument?" she asked.

"I'm not taking a trip down memory lane with you Alex," I said firmly. But she continued anyway, as if I hadn't even said anything.

"We were at your house. You were wearing that blue half sleeve shirt, the one with the buttons that I always tell you that you look really cute in. And even when you told me why you were upset…you still told me that you loved me."

"These are two completely different scenarios."

"I know. I shouldn't have let this go on so long. And I do mean everything."

"Well isn't that just great for me…"

"There are things in life you can't control, Mitch. And I wish that was enough. You can't help loving someone. No matter how hard you try, you can't stop caring about them. Sometimes I think I was better off listening to my dad. But I don't think I could ever trade the time we spent together."

"Oh my God…"

"What?"

"Alex, literally nothing you say makes any sense. You are the vaguest, most complicated human being I have ever met. Why…_why_ do I hang onto your every word when I never know what you mean or what you're really thinking or trying to say? And I just end up hurt in the long run anyway."

"I know."

"Can you stop saying that? Because I highly doubt you know how frustrating it is to put up with someone like you," I said and even laughed. Maybe I was delirious at that point, I don't know. "And you know the best part? It's not even _putting_ _up_ with you. I don't _put up_ with you, Alex. I _want_ to be with you. I _want_ to be with this…this closed off, guarded, ambiguous person."

"Why?"

"_Why_?" I asked incredulously but she looked at me with her bright eyes full of curiosity. Eyes like the ones I met years ago back in high school when we fascinated each other and wanted to just know _more_. "I guess you were right. There are just some things we can't control."

She didn't say anything else. Her diet Coke had become a watery puddle and she was tracing her fingertip along the condensation on the side.

"I don't know what else to say that won't make you more upset with me."

"What's the point? You obviously want me upset with you. You wanted me to be the one to end things so you wouldn't have to. You wanted me to hate you so I wouldn't want you back. Do you think you're doing me any favors by not directly breaking my heart? Because you're not. You're just being selfish and a coward. And the only thing I hate is the fact that I can't hate you."

And ironically enough, as much as I couldn't hate her, I was still incredibly mad at her. I wanted to be mean to her. I wanted her to feel bad. I wanted her to feel as badly as I did because it just wasn't _fair_.

"I should go."

"Yeah I'm sure Nate is waiting for you or something, right?" I said bitterly and she could definitely sense that.

"Mitch…Nate is important to me."

"Yeah, I can tell. I thought I was too but I seem to be wrong about a lot of things when it comes to you."

"I get that you're mad at me. And I'm still sorry. There's really nothing I can do to fix this. And I don't think I should fix it."

"What?"

"I already told you. It's better this way."

"Then why are you _here_!" I yelled. The bartender looked our way again. I stopped and rubbed my eyes with one hand. My head was hurting and I just wanted to go home. I wanted to stop wanting Alex even after the bullshit she was putting me through.

She didn't say anything.

"You know what," I said, "just go. Go be with Nate or whoever I don't care."

"Really? You don't care?"

"Why does it _matter_? Isn't it best I don't care anymore? Isn't that what you wanted? Why can't you just go live your life and let me live mine without you? You want us to not be together? Then fucking let me go. Let me let you go. My God, you say one thing then do the opposite then say another and I can't keep up with you!"

"I know!" she shouted. "I know, okay? I know I'm selfish and I know I'm a terrible person for hurting you! And even worse I keep coming back when I know I shouldn't because I just keep lying to you. And I don't want to lie but I don't want to know what's going to happen if I just come out and say it. I've never been afraid of losing someone before Mitchie. I've always…I just…" she choked out as her tears fell from her eyes and she wiped them, sniffling a bit.

I wanted to kick myself for feeling bad.

I sighed.

"Let's go outside," I suggested. The bar was still not my ideal place to have that conversation and I just wanted air. It seemed like she could use some too. She nodded, wiping her eyes again, and followed me out the back door.

The air was slightly cool and I played with the strap of my guitar on my shoulder, avoiding her eyes. And I just waited for her to calm down. But it looked like she was going to have a panic attack.

"I didn't mean to hurt you."

"You knew you were going to though. What I don't understand is how you can do all this, be aware of it all, and stand there and tell me that you still love me."

"I _do_ still love you."

"Stop saying that!"

"But it's the truth!"

"Why should I believe you? You haven't been honest with me for God knows how long! Why should I believe you?" I was practically screaming in the parking lot and I barely had time to calm down before Alex stepped into me and pressed her lips against mine.

It was rough and clumsy and she was still crying but _Jesus Christ_ I hadn't kissed her in such a long time the feeling of finally being able to do it again nearly sent me to my knees. I kissed her back for a moment and everything that had happened throughout the night came crashing down on me.

I put my hands up on her shoulders to push her back.

"Alex, stop it you can't do this!" I told her and she stood there so close to my lips with her tear stained face and her beautiful eyes. I could feel her breathing and it reminded me of the first time she kissed me; when she was just confused and lost but she just _wanted_ to kiss me.

And I wanted to kiss her too.

I licked my lips and looked at her. She was finally keeping her eyes on me the whole time and I held her face in my hands and kissed her fiercely. Despite everything…I kissed her.

I don't remember much else of what happened. We ended up in my car. We ended up at residence. We ended up in _my_ room. We ended up on the bed that had only just started to stop smelling like her.

I remember her kissing me while I straddled her waist, my knees on either side of her. And she was the one to stop and pull away. I knew I should have….way, _way_ before we had even made it to the dorm room. But I missed her and I hated that I did.

The last time we had been in a similar situation she ended up leaving me in the morning. I was dreading my heart breaking all over again.

But she just reached up to touch my cheek. Her eyes were sad and she looked like she was going to cry again. I didn't want to fight with her. I didn't want to yell at her again. I had said everything I wanted to say. What else could I have even said at that point?

I sighed and moved to lie next to her. We stayed like that, lying side by side on our backs staring up at the ceiling. And neither of us said anything.

After what seemed like an hour she turned over and leaned her forehead against my shoulder. I placed a kiss on the top of her head. Her hair was soft and her skin was warm and I wanted to wrap my arms around her. But I stayed where I was and she stayed where she was. And we fell asleep.

We didn't push it further and we didn't risk breaking the incredibly fragile shell we had put around us that night. Just for the night. I didn't want to be mad or upset or fight with the person I loved more than anything. I just wanted one night of peace, just lying next to her.

And when I woke up the next morning…she was right there.

My mind had been racing but I was so exhausted both mentally and physically by the end of the night I just couldn't think about anything anymore. I knew I was still going to be upset in the morning. Because she could never just listen to me and always came back.

I was so tired of her messing with my head when I knew we weren't going to get back together.

I remember looking over at her in the morning and seeing her already awake and looking up at nothing in particular. I didn't say anything and just watched her instead. I didn't even know what to say. I mean, all we did was kiss but it still shouldn't have happened.

"How mad would you be if I apologized right now?" she asked in a quiet and calm voice. It was a little raspy from crying the night before and still thick with sleep.

"I don't know. What are you apologizing for this time?"

"Just in general. Everything."

"Why didn't you leave this time?" I asked carefully. I didn't know what to expect since she didn't run out on me again but I was foolish to think it would be different.

"I wanted to stay."

"But you know you shouldn't have."

"I know. Why didn't you tell me to leave?" she asked after a while and I let out a breath.

"I wanted you to stay."

"But…you know you shouldn't have."

"…I know."

It was quiet again and she ran her fingers through her hair.

"This is bad," she whispered so softly I almost didn't catch it.

"Why does it have to be bad?"

"Mitch…I don't expect you to forgive me. I know I've been lying and I know I hurt you."

"But like…we can't even be friends? Like we used to be?"

I didn't even know why I was still clinging so desperately to her. After everything I shouldn't have even wanted to be her friend anymore.

But I loved her.

"Friends don't kiss…certainly not like we do."

"That's not the point."

"Mitchie…I don't know what to do, okay? And I'm sorry that my back and forth is causing you so much pain."

"Then stop."

"It's not that easy to let you go."

"You can't keep me around like this; it isn't fair."

"Nothing is fair."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing…just…I'm sorry," she said and then groaned shortly after. "I don't want you out of my life…"

I glanced at the time and sat up, realizing I was still in my clothes from the night before. I got out of bed and started searching for something new to wear.

"Well…you know what? I have class soon. So I'm going to go. You can just go ahead and call me when you decide _what's best_. I'm not here for mind games and I can't handle getting my heart broken so many times. So please just…don't be here when I get back. Not unless you've decided to stop the bullshit once and for all."

I grabbed my shoes and put them on before collecting my things for class and heading out the door.

I had the rest of the day to think things through as I hoped she did as well. But who knew with Alex.

If it really was Nate and all of that was true then would I have even wanted her to be in my life? I knew she lied but if she actually betrayed me like that I didn't think I could ever get past that. She wasn't giving me much else to work with. And she didn't exactly deny it either.

I didn't want to believe she would do that though. When she would tell me she loves me I believed her. I _knew_ she loved me and I _knew_ she cared about me. I didn't know if she had something else going on that I just didn't know about but what was I supposed to do if she wouldn't tell me anything?

I never got a call from her after that morning. Not even a text. She wasn't in my room when I came back from class later that day and she never showed up at my door. A few days passed and still no word from her. I took it as she just finally decided to stop messing with me.

It was only five days after our _morning after_ when I got the phone call.

It wasn't from Alex. It was from Nate.

The last person that I expected to hear from was calling me and I was too confused to even begin to wonder what on Earth it was that he wanted from me.

All I remember was asking why he was calling and him telling me I needed to come to North Shore University Hospital because Alex had passed out at work.

Obviously I was worried but I didn't understand why he was calling me. I mean, people faint all the time. Alex was always tired and overworked. And it was clear that we weren't really in each other's lives anymore. Or at least that was what we were going for.

I drove to the hospital anyway, still extremely confused, and found Nate in one of the many waiting rooms.

"What the hell is going on? What happened? Is she okay?" I asked quickly but Nate didn't seem as anxious as I was.

"She's awake now."

"Oh…" I said and then sighed. "But what happened?"

"We were at work and she's been saying she hasn't been feeling well…"

"Why do I feel like there's more to this?"

It was so hard to fight the urge to punch him back then.

"Nate," I heard a voice from behind him say. I looked over Nate's shoulder and saw Alex's dad walking toward us.

I was a little intimidated as he approached.

And by a little I mean a lot.

I hadn't seen him in quite a while and after Alex and I broke up I really didn't think I'd have to deal with him. I swallowed and tensed up involuntarily, force of habit, and he stood next to me.

"Can you give us a minute?" he asked Nate to which he just stared at the man for what seemed like entirely too long. He gave the boy a stern look and he finally left us alone. I was still confused as to what I was even doing there in the first place.

I was too nervous to speak with the way he was looking at me.

"You don't know…"

I couldn't tell if he was asking me or just stating a fact because it was obvious that I had no idea what was going on.

He shook his head.

"Don't know what?"

"I know she didn't want to tell you but I thought she would have after so many years."

"Tell me what?" I asked. It was so weird. I always thought Alex's dad had a problem with me but he was actually…being nice. Or something of the sort.

"She was doing well for a while. But lately we aren't so sure."

And I was just about done with everyone always beating around the bush with me. My brain was fried and I was so drained from dealing with Alex and her weirdness I couldn't take dealing with anyone else.

"What are you talking about?" I asked. "Why can't anyone ever just _tell_ me anything?"

I'll admit, I was a bit frantic but I was standing in a hospital for my ex-girlfriend and no one wanted to tell me why.

And then he sighed and told me, "Alex is sick."

"Sick? What do you mean?"

"I mean…Alex is _sick_. They found it when she was twelve. And she doesn't tell people but I said to her when she told me about…you two…that she had to eventually tell you about it…"

I never knew what it was like. To just hear _one_ sentence…even one _word_ and have everything around you just come to a stop. You hear about it, in books and movies, but never actually know what it feels like to hear quite literally the last thing you would ever want to hear in your life.

"NSHL."

"What?"

I was sure it wasn't happening to me. It wasn't happening at all. I was just watching something on television, two people standing in the waiting room of a hospital. And some typical agonizing, gut wrenching breakdown follows right after.

I would collapse and hold my head in my hands, sob relentlessly, punch a wall, break something…anything.

But I couldn't move; I just stood there.

And I wish remembering how to breathe was the only problem I had to face.

"It's lymphoma."

* * *

**yes, yes I know. I'm terrible. I'm sorry. but that's the way the story is.**

**some people may hate me for this. some people may even not want to read anymore and that's fine. I hope you guys stay with me though. and I'll try to get the next one up in a timely fashion.**

**again, let me know what you think.**

**also, chapter/song title: Like Eating Glass by Bloc Party**

**really good song, check it out**


	8. Until The Day I Die

**glad you guys aren't TOO mad at me for the last chapter. I'm also glad you've decided to continue reading even if you don't like the subject.**

**I appreciate all the feedback I've gotten. it really means a lot**

**hope you like this one too.**

**let me know what you think.**

* * *

8. Until The Day I Die

_Should I bite my tongue until blood soaks my shirt?  
__We'll never fall apart  
__Tell me why this hurts so much  
__My hands are at your throat and I think I hate you  
__But still we'll say, "Remember when…" just like we always do_

* * *

Four letters. A foreign term. And like most things that people don't know, that they just don't _understand_, it scared me.

As shocking and confusing and _terrifying_ as those cryptic letters were I knew what he meant.

What _he_ meant…Alex's dad; _God_, her poor dad. I didn't even know what to say to him. I tried to take everything in. Was a reaction even appropriate? Was I allowed to start crying? Was I allowed to ask questions? Could I just go see Alex? Or was there some form of condolences I had to unleash onto the man standing in front of me?

_They found it when she was twelve._

It was hard to picture Alex in a hospital bed when she was just twelve years old. Alex, with her bright and curious eyes, _my brown eyed girl_, staring up at a doctor saying letters and words to her that she didn't understand.

I remember playing the guitar when I was twelve; I learned how to play _Smells Like Teen Spirit_. I remember my dad finding it so amusing to hear his daughter sing the line _my libido_ before she was even a teenager.

I played basketball at the park by my house with Shane when I was twelve. He tried to teach me how to ride a skateboard. I did pretty well and learned pretty fast until I ended up scraping my knee. He helped half carry my limping-self back to my place with blood running down my leg. My mom was more upset that my sneakers were dirty to the point of no return.

_Because the wound would heal_.

Some antiseptic, Neosporin, a bit of gauze, and a Band-Aid and I was all better.

Alex's dad couldn't put a Band-Aid on her knee or kiss her bruised elbow and make it all go away. Alex couldn't just watch a scar fade. Alex couldn't have any of that. The one thing I had that Alex didn't, what she thought she might never have.

Certainty.

I could fall off of a skateboard all I wanted. I could scrape my knees dozens of times, reopening old wounds and making them fresh all over again. But they would always heal. I could sprain my ankle while playing sports with Shane. I would end up on crutches for around six weeks and be on my feet again.

Alex didn't have that. And people take it for granted; the certainty that comes with being _healthy_. I could get over a cold in a matter of days and Alex could get a throat infection just from being outside too long.

_I'm just not up to it._

_I'm not in the mood._

_I'm really tired._

_I don't feel well._

I remember when it was winter and I was standing outside of Alex's house in the snow begging her to come outside just because I wanted to tell her that I loved her. She was smiling even when she fidgeted with her phone and crinkled her nose and she looked at me and she said _I'm gonna get sick._

Alex, who would skip class to read outside because she liked the way things looked and the sound of the leaves crunching under her sneakers…it was hard to picture her small frame hidden, _buried_, in a hospital gown. It was hard to picture her listening to someone telling her she can't be certain anymore.

Did she cry when she found out? Was she scared? Did she think it was as unfair as I did or was it another case of _everything happens for a reason_? It was too hard to hold fast to that mindset because who could have possibly intended for any of it? Did Alex always see the most in everything? Did she always hope for the best? Or did it all start after a doctor told her four letters that she didn't understand?

_NSHL_.

And she was only twelve.

I stood in the waiting room, staring for I cannot even remember how long at Alex's dad. Just wondering. What room was Alex in? Were her brothers there? Was it that serious that Justin would drive all the way from New Paltz just to check on her? Why wouldn't anyone tell me that she was _okay_?

_She's awake now._

I wanted to know. I wanted what I knew Alex wanted as well, what her whole family wanted but could never have. I wanted the certainty. I wanted to know, for sure, that Alex was okay. But she was sitting in a hospital bed because she collapsed at worked for reasons I didn't know or even understand at the time.

I felt a large hand on my shoulder and I blinked, realizing I had been lost in all of my thoughts and my wondering and my confusion. Alex's father looked at me curiously and sadly. It almost infuriated me. He felt bad for me. His daughter was rushed to the hospital and _he felt bad for me_.

"Mitchie."

My name was called but I felt sick.

The fucking irony.

My head was swimming just from four letters and I thought I was going to faint too. I felt dizzy. A nearby chair broke my fall; my hands reached out for the arms to keep steady and ease myself into the seat. My limbs were shaking. And I needed someone to just tell me how to breathe.

"Mitchie?"

"I…I think…" I stuttered. "I think I need…I need to, to um…um I need to-"

"Mitch?"

Nate was back. He was standing behind my seat. I think Alex's dad still had his hand on my shoulder, possibly worried I might fall out of my chair and hit the floor.

"Are you okay?" someone said. It honestly could have been anybody.

I couldn't speak. I shook my head. It was barely a motion and I wasn't sure if they knew I was shaking my head or beginning an epileptic episode.

"She doesn't know you're here, Mitch," Nate said. "You should go talk to her. She should still be awake."

"No," I said immediately, so quickly I didn't know if I had actually said it. I didn't think I was capable of speaking.

"But-"

"No," I said again. I couldn't go in. If I went in then I would see her. I would see her in a hospital bed. A hospital bed because she fainted. Fainted because she was _sick_. Sick because she was twelve years old and a doctor told her she had _cancer_.

The letters were easier. They confused me. They didn't punch me in the stomach like saying or even thinking about the word cancer.

But it was all terrifying.

And then I thought about Alex. And how much more terrified she must have been. I wondered if she opened her eyes, shocked to find out that she was even still alive. How many times had she felt that relief?

The _relief_ of simply _waking_ _up_.

It had never hit me that there was a possibility that I might have not ever seen her again.

I _needed_ to see her.

I didn't know if anyone had said anything else to me but I tried to stand back up. It was a challenge to get out of the chair and hold down my dinner at the same time. Aches and pains that wouldn't even compare to the years Alex had suffered.

"Where is she?" I breathed out. My knuckles were white holding onto the back of the chair as I stood.

"She's on the fourth floor. Room 482."

"Mitch, do you want me to come with you?" Nate asked. Not for the emotional support. But because none of us were actually sure I could physically make it all the way there by myself.

"No."

I needed to see her.

The walk there was cold. The hospital was too cold. The walls were an off-white color but when I reached the fourth floor they were decorated with burgundy accents. Motivational quotes and pictures of old buildings and landscapes. Certificates. Portraits of people I didn't know. Names of doctors.

My hands felt tense. I clenched my fists and then unclenched, stretching my fingers all the way out, and then clenched again. A steady pattern. Tensed. Relaxed. In and out. I tried to time them with my breaths but couldn't match the rhythm.

I read the number and felt suffocated.

482.

Turning the handle felt surreal, like I wasn't supposed to be there. I felt like a criminal, a thief breaking into an office to steal some sort of secret file. I felt nervous. I felt like I was going to feel someone's hand on my shoulder. Like Alex's dad.

His hand on my shoulder.

_Are you okay?_

Someone was going to stop me and tell me I couldn't go in.

Why wasn't anyone stopping me?

She was facing the windows, away from the entrance. Away from me. I could have been a nurse. Maybe her dad. Someone else that was worried, sick to their stomach. _Wondering._

Uncertain.

Her dark brown hair flowed down her shoulders and over the curve of her breast. Her arm was hooked to a bag of clear liquid. Was it keeping her alive? Or just giving her the strength to stay awake?

The monitors.

The incision in her wrist.

The meter on her fingertip.

_Alex was in a hospital bed._

"Mitchie."

She saw me before I could fully grasp that my ex-girlfriend was sitting in front of me.

In room 482.

In the ward reserved for _cancer patients_.

"What are you doing here?" she asked.

The question I needed to ask her. I had the answer. But she was looking at me, terrified, like I was merely a ghost haunting her room. Uninvited.

"I…how did you…"

She choked on her words. No tears. But it was a challenge to speak.

It was a challenge for her to do _anything_.

"Who told you?" she asked, finally in a full sentence again. It wasn't a secret. She knew I knew. I was in room 482.

I stepped into the room fully. It was still too cold. I wondered if the thin blanket draped over her legs was enough to keep her warm.

"Your father. Nate called me. Said you fainted at work."

"It wasn't that bad, I-"

"You're in the hospital, Alex," I said, my voice a little harder than before. I took a breath. I stepped closer.

"I know. This…this isn't-" She rubbed her arm as she swallowed and pushed her hair out of her face. "This isn't how I wanted you to find out."

"Because you didn't want me to find out."

"Mitchie, I-"

"Stop."

"Mitch-"

"Alex. _Stop_."

"But-"

"Stop!"

The room was too quiet for my outburst. I felt as if the walls shook, the random paintings by the window barely stayed on their hooks. The glass should have shattered. Something else should have amplified my yelling.

I breathed in.

It matched my clenching and unclenching fists for once.

"Alex…I just…I can't believe you-"

"I gave you an out."

"_What_?"

"I gave you an out," she repeated.

"I didn't want one!" I shouted and she flinched that time.

"I'm sorry!" she cried. And in one swift motion she covered her mouth with her hand and her tears poured out. She had a bruise on her left arm and I wondered where it came from.

Did it happen when she fainted? Or was it just _normal_?

"We've known each other for four years. And I've loved you for three. How could you keep something like this from me? And then break up with me and not even tell me _why_…like do you know what was going through my head? Do you even have any idea how much you mean to me Alex?"

She remained quiet. I threw my arms up and scoffed.

"Oh but no…thank you so much for _giving me an_ _out_. Wow, I really dodged a bullet didn't, I? God, did it ever occur to you that _I_ _want to be with you_? Or did I not make that clear enough the last hundred times I told you since we broke up alone?"

"I'm sorry Mitchie," she said, masked by a whimper that made it difficult to hear. And I stepped closer until I was right by her bedside. "I'm so sorry. I know you're mad at me. I told you I never meant for any of this to happen. And I'm _sorry_."

She tried to breathe; inhaling short, sharp breaths. But she kept coughing.

I wondered.

Did it hurt?

"I don't know what I am," I said gently. "I'm mad. I'm upset. I'm worried. I'm scared. I'm…so completely lost. Because I don't _know_ anything." Her crying went from seemingly gasping for air to a subtle quiver of the lip and shiny eyes. And I asked in wonder. "What's happening to you, Alex?"

"I…I thought my dad told you…"

"He did."

"…I should have told you," she whispered. I could feel it. I could see it, there in her eyes. She was guilty. And I was mad. And I wanted to know she was _okay_.

"Why didn't you? Did you really think it would change the way I feel about you?"

"Mitchie you don't under_stand_," she said.

And it hurt because I really didn't.

"Then make me."

But I knew I would never fully understand anything Alex said or felt. A blessing. Because I didn't know what it was like. A curse. Because she did.

I wasn't sure at first, when she said it. Because it was so ridiculous to me. But her lips were still trembling, ever so slightly.

"I can't ask you to stay."

I stood by her bed, eyebrows furrowed, and I tried to keep my mouth from hanging open.

"What?"

"Mitch…"

The silence was so God damn loud.

"Why would you have to ask? Alex…I…" I trailed off. I looked around the room. The inside had a pale green-ish blue color that reminded me of toothpaste. The blinds were open but it was dark outside. The only light came from the back corner, barely illuminating the room. I looked back at Alex and she just looked _small_.

I almost winced at the memory that never existed in my mind.

_Twelve years old_.

"This is too much, Mitchie. It's not fair to you."

I've said the same thing to her. But God I didn't want it to be true. To be _that_ true.

And my heart ached when I remembered that she knew it all along. That nothing is fair. And it never has been. For her. Or for anyone she knew and loved. It wasn't _fair_.

"I would never leave you."

"I know you wouldn't."

Her fingers gripped the edge of the frail bed sheet resting on her thighs. She seemed paler than usual. Or maybe everything was just pale in the hospital. Why would someone do that?

She looked at me then averted her eyes faster than I could blink. The bruise on her arm became more apparent when she moved it closer to my line of sight to push herself up in more of a sitting position. She shut her eyes the whole time.

It never occurred to me until then just how fragile she was. The bracelet on her wrist from the hospital looked like it weighed a ton.

She was exhausted. More so than I had ever seen her.

"Are you okay?" was the only thing I could think to ask. Because no one ever answered me.

"I'm fine."

"Can you please be honest with me?" I begged. And she looked at me with helpless eyes that still had the remains of a breakdown lingering in the corners. "Are you okay?"

"I don't know."

_Uncertain_.

I felt the warm sting, urging to come undone, as my eyes fought to not blink _too_ _hard_. I pulled the nearest chair in the room closer to her side and lowered myself as my legs began to shake.

I watched my knee bob up and down; a mind of its own.

"I'm sorry, Mitchie."

"For what?"

"I didn't want this to happen."

Her voice was weak enough for me to know she meant everything.

Hurting me.

Fainting.

_NSHL._

And everything that came along with it.

"I was just…afraid," she said.

I scooted the chair closer. Her hand was resting in her lap, playing with the other, and I reached out to take it in mine. Her skin was warmer than I had imagined. But it was still too cold.

"I told you I'm not going to leave you."

"I believe you Mitchie."

"Then…what…" I began to ask and she rested her head back on the two thin pillows behind her. Her eyes softened. And she looked thoughtful for a moment before casting her gaze down at our hands. I swear she smiled, even for just a second.

"Remember when we were in high school…you were the one sitting outside and I walked past the window and you had your guitar…"

The first time she heard me play.

"…I kind of just stood there and listened to you. You were lost in your own world. You would stop and fix the tuning a little bit and then smile when you finally got the sound just right."

She stopped and held my hand back, lightly wrapping her fingers around it. I wondered how much strength it took her.

"I didn't have feelings for you then," she continued. "You were just a girl from school who for some reason wanted to talk to me. And I didn't talk to anyone so I didn't get why I was so special. And I didn't want you to think I was…special. Or anything like that."

"Why?"

"I never wanted to be like that with anyone. I've known Nate for a while though, like since I was a kid. I thought that was enough."

"Alex…I'm sorry…I have no idea what you're talking about…"

"That day at school when you were playing….I could have just walked away. And hopefully you would have forgotten about me. And it wouldn't have been a big deal. I could have found somewhere else to just be alone. And you would have just moved on with your life. But that was the day I realized I liked having you around."

"Really?"

"I didn't expect to want someone around. I had gotten used to being alone."

"Alex you don't have to be alone all the time, you-"

She cut me off and let go of me. My hands were suddenly too warm.

"It's just easier, Mitch. But when I met you and you liked talking to me I just wanted to be selfish. We sat together that day and you played your music and I read my book and we didn't even have to _say_ anything. Being around you was so easy. And that scared me."

"But why?"

"Because I didn't want to _want_ you around. But I did. We barely said anything to each other that day and it was still the happiest I had felt in a while. It was the sixth day we had run into each other. Six days is all it took for me to hope you would be sitting outside under the tree or find me reading during class again."

I had always believed it took her a little longer to warm up to me fully. Alex was a sweetheart and would never be rude but I felt like we were more acquaintances than anything up until a certain point. But it was only six days.

It only took me one.

"I know you don't understand," she said. "But it's hard for me. I don't like having people like…you…in my life."

"People like me?"

"People that I love. People that love me back."

"But you know I wouldn't leave you…especially not because of this. What do you think you being sick is a burden for me?"

"Maybe for my dad," she shrugged.

"Don't think of it like that."

"I try not to. But…I'm not really afraid of you leaving me…"

She wrung the sheets in her hands. I wanted to climb into the bed and lie next to her. I had spent too many nights remembering how I used to turn over under the covers and find her smiling at me. And she would reach out and hold onto my sides, her fingers brushing over the skin of my hips and her nose pressed against my neck when she would kiss my collarbone.

"I told you…I've never been afraid of people leaving _me_. It's just…I don't…"

Her voice cracked.

She took a breath, shaky and uneasy. And her eyes glazed over with fresh tears.

"I'm afraid of leaving _them_."

I studied the way she twisted the thin white blanket. Everything about her just seemed more delicate. Perhaps it was finally _knowing_ and it for some reason being the only thing I could think about at the time.

_NSHL_.

I fought with everything in me not to let my mind wander. I couldn't think back to our carefree days in high school. When we worked so well together, not worrying about the future. No farfetched promises of forever. I wouldn't allow myself to believe it was because she couldn't.

I didn't let the thought cross my mind then. But it was sitting there, digging its nails in the back of my head, begging me to see the light. It was right there in front of me.

I wanted to cry. But more than anything I just wanted to hold her. And I wanted that to be enough. A protective embrace wasn't all that protective after all. Because she was never sure. And the uncertainty terrified her.

"Alex…"

"I know what it's like Mitchie," she said, "to lose someone you love. I saw what it did to my dad. I don't want him to go through that again. I don't want anyone to go through that."

Her words stung. And they left a bitter taste, burning my insides. The harsh weight of my words from the last time I spoke to her stuck to me like thick humidity in the air.

She broke up with me to _spare_ me.

And I thought she was selfish.

The feeling of nausea crept up on me again and I was thankful that I was already sitting down.

"Alex…you're going to be okay, right?"

I didn't even know why I was asking.

"They said…whatever this was…wasn't bad. And I just need to take it easy. But…it's been getting harder to hide it."

The mark on her arm was a dull purple and had a curve to it, as if someone dipped their finger in paint, pushing the colors in one direction, and then tried to wipe it clean.

If only it were that simple.

"So instead of just telling me…you left."

"I've tried to tell you…_so_ many times. Every time I got even a little bit close I just couldn't do it. It was hard enough telling Nate. I couldn't bear to tell you something like that."

I reached over the short barrier of the bed. Her cheek was warmer than her hand as I traced my thumb over the tear trailing down to her chin. My headache wouldn't cease. It was all too much.

And it blew my mind that over everything else I just felt such _anger_.

I was angry at her lies. I was angry that she was sick. I was angry that I spent four years not knowing. I was angry that I had no one to be angry with for giving her cancer. I was angry that no one would just tell me that she was fucking _okay_.

I was mad when I walked through the door. And I could have just kept yelling. But what good what it have done? Maybe if I was loud enough I would wake myself up. I wanted to open my eyes more than anything else. Because it couldn't have been me sitting there in that room.

It couldn't have been Alex in that hospital bed.

"I'm sorry," she said, trying her hardest to pull herself together.

And I remembered the first time I ever saw her cry. She came to me in tears and I stayed up with her until any trace of tears was gone. Because in that moment nothing else mattered. And I wished when I was sitting there with her, my hand on her bruised arm, that I could have been there for her when she needed someone. Knowing exactly why she was breaking down.

"Don't cry, Alex," I said. She wiped her eyes herself and I stood from my chair. Because I couldn't take watching her and doing nothing about it.

But there were still so many things I was confused about. Was it even okay for me to touch her? She could barely get herself to sit up straight without buckling in pain. Was she still hurting?

I carefully stepped closer and lightly wrapped my arms around her body that only seemed to be getting smaller the longer she stayed in that bed. But she immediately held my waist and rested her forehead against me.

We stayed like that for a good while. We didn't say anything to each other. But we were content for the time being.

As content as two people in a hospital room in the ward for cancer patients could be.

She eventually pulled away. And when she did she surprised me by moving closer to the other edge, away from me, and urged me to lie next to her. Like I had wanted to before.

Like we used to.

And we sat there, staring at the room together. When her breathing was back to normal she talked to me about it.

She talked to me about twelve years old and uncertainty and NSHL.

"It's Nodular Sclerosis," she said.

Medical terms flew right over my head.

"What?"

"Hodgkin's lymphoma."

Hearing her say it was it for me.

I opened my eyes.

It was me in the room.

It was Alex in the hospital bed.

"Where is it?" I asked. Because I didn't want to be confused anymore. I wanted to know what was going on with her and I wanted her to feel like she could talk to me about it.

"The mediastinum."

"Alex…in English please?"

She pressed her cheek on my arm and I felt the vibrations of her giggle, as quiet as it was. But I could not even begin to describe how good it felt to hear her laugh again. Even if it didn't last longer than a breath.

"It's just a fancy word for chest, like…" she trailed off and pointed near her heart and collarbone, "this general area."

She told me about when she found out. And it was shocking how she managed to keep her tone lighter than the air in the room that still felt incredibly thick with everything that had happened. The lies. The stress. The tension. The wondering and the uncertainty.

She was twelve. She had complained for weeks that her back, chest and knees ached. Her father noticed bruises. Random patches of blue and purple, like she was a blank canvas reserved for the cruelest of artists.

She went to the doctor who sent her for an ultrasound. The ultrasound technician sent her to get a biopsy. The radiologist told her she wouldn't have the results right away and that she would have to wait.

"Waiting was the hardest part," she said.

Every day she sat by the phone. Every call she answered nervously, frantically, thinking it was _the call_, slamming the phone down in misdirected frustration when it was anything else. She grew paranoid and was on edge until it finally happened.

She got the call back and when she went in she was told she needed to get an MRI. And I remember her telling me the exact words she heard.

"_Unfortunately, it's cancer_."

_Unfortunately_.

It was hardly the right word to use, not nearly enough for a lymphoma diagnosis. It was used for people in restaurants and stores. Trivial things that wouldn't affect you for years to come. Things you would get over or things that could be fixed.

_Unfortunately, we're very busy tonight. But if you put your name down we can call you in forty five minutes when a table clears up._

_Unfortunately, we don't have that model vacuum but we can call the store in Sunnyside and see if they have it._

It was weak and shouldn't be allowed to be used for telling someone they had cancer. It wasn't enough.

It's just a pathetic _sorry_ in a tux.

She told me about her treatment, how they managed to keep it under control for a while. And then she told me when it got bad again and missed most of freshman year of high school. And came back sophomore year for real when it was under control again. The bruises weren't as frequent, barely there. She could walk around and do things on her own. She could enjoy sitting by herself and reading a book outside.

And then she met me.

"It was even harder to stay away when I realized I had feelings for you," she said.

"In what way?"

"I had been thinking about it. You know, maybe it would be easier to just stop everything and that would be the end of it. You would have just thought I wasn't comfortable being your friend after you told me. I didn't want you to think that though."

"You let me think you cheated on me with Nate…" I pointed out, reminding her of her best friend that we had argued about just a week prior.

"I thought it would be better to let you come to your own conclusions so I wouldn't have to think of a reason why I would ever leave you. You should know I would never do that Mitch," she said softly. And I could hear the sincerity in her voice. Resting just on top of the apologetic undertones.

"I know but I didn't know what to believe. You were being so weird and I…"

"I know. I'm really sorry for lying to you, honest, I am."

"I know."

She looked into my eyes for a moment. And then she exhaled.

"And I do love you. I just…don't know what to do."

"Where does this leave us then?"

I ran my fingers through her hair as I felt the light traces of her warm breath on my arm. Her eyes fluttered closed and I was reminded of where we were when she shifted the sheet on her legs.

Room 482.

Soon she would be out and return home but then what? What happens from there? What happens for us? For _her_? Was she just going to keep waking up every morning wondering if she was going to get to do it again the next day?

Nothing is certain.

_Nothing is fair_.

"I don't know. But I'm so tired and I just want to lie here with you and not think about it for tonight. We'll figure it out tomorrow Mitch, I promise."

I wondered if she had ever been promised tomorrow.

* * *

**chapter/song title: Until The Day I Die by Story Of The Year**


	9. Always

**thank you for the reviews. hope you like this one too. let me know what you think**

* * *

9. Always

_And I'll miss your laugh, your smile  
__I'll admit I'm wrong if you tell me  
__I'm so sick of fights, I hate them  
__Let's start this again for real  
__So here I am, I'm trying_

* * *

"It was hard being alone," she said, "when I found out and just didn't know how to deal."

I had stayed with her a majority of that night in the hospital. After telling me about life before she met me we talked about everything else. Everything happy. Things we'd done, silly memories to make her smile. I held her hand the entire time.

I came back first thing in the morning. And when I asked how she was, if the doctors had said anything, our conversation floated back to those four letters. It was scary to learn about it.

It's one thing when you learn about it in class. It's another when you hear about someone having it. It's something else entirely when it's someone you love.

They always say there are the five stages of grieving when you lose somebody. But no one ever talks about the fact that there are stages for anything else. I realized this as I listened to Alex speak so candidly about her experience after that phone call when she was only twelve years old.

First, deafness.

"I think it's the same when anyone hears any type of bad news," she said.

"What do you mean?"

"It's all you hear. Someone says _I have cancer_…it's the shock. You don't want to believe it's true. You kind of just block everything else out after that."

I thought about Alex sitting in her home, clutching her phone in her hand tightly—because she was _praying_ to hear any type of news—and listening to someone confirming her worst fears. Everything she had worried about, the very things that her nightmares were made of. Completely and undeniably real.

"Did it last a while?" I asked.

She was thoughtful and sighed sadly, looking up at the ceiling instead of at me. I opted for sitting in the chair again instead of lying with her that morning.

"Kind of. I honestly don't remember exactly when I stopped feeling like I was listening to everyone from the bottom of a pool. Like they were all trying to shout to me from above the surface but none of it mattered. I was just alone and couldn't hear anyone."

Second, panic-induced mania.

"I freaked out," she said simply. "After it finally sunk in…I was a mess. I thought I was going to die if I tripped and fell. I didn't know anything about it when I was twelve. I would have panic attacks and think that it was the end."

It didn't feel real. Since I had met Alex she seemed like she had it all together. She was the girl who saw the brilliance in everything and knew exactly what to say. She painted pictures with her words and her way of thinking, intricate and beautiful. I would take her words and frame them and line my walls with them.

"I started seeing a therapist to help me deal. It was scary. I didn't want to invite anyone else in to share it with. So we paid for someone to listen to me, someone that didn't matter so I wouldn't have to keep everything inside. I still go every week to keep my feet on the ground."

Third, public crying.

"Finally opening up to someone just made me release _all_ these emotions. Emotions that I still felt hours, even days after I would leave therapy. I remember being on the train once on my way home from a session and bawling my eyes out."

"But…that's a good thing though, right? Isn't it better to let everything out instead of bottling it up?"

"Oh, no, of course. It was just…too much…all at once, you know? It's like…finally telling off someone you hate after keeping quiet for so long. It was like going on an emotion binge."

"I can't picture you telling anyone off," I told her, and couldn't help but smile at the thought of her hating someone enough to be a _bitch_.

"I don't think I actually can," she laughed. "Especially now."

"What do you mean?"

She played with my fingers. She didn't seem as pale or fragile as she did the day before. Maybe she needed to eat something and get some rest. Maybe I was trying to focus on Alex and not her sickness.

Her eyes were on our hands and she said, "Life's too short."

Fourth, as I've dubbed it, obsessive Google-ing.

"Mitchie…promise me," she begged, "just stay away from the internet. I cannot tell you how many nights I spent trying to find _anything_ about it when I was younger. There are all these sites and statistics and just…it'll mess with your head so much."

I already knew Google had a way of making you think you were going to die within the course of the next few days when you really just had allergies or something insignificant. I learned my lesson not to go searching for answers online after that one time WebMD told me I either had a cold or the Ebola virus.

"Just trust me. It's better not to know rather than worry yourself."

"But…I want to know what's going on with you," I told her. And it was true. I was tired of being left in the dark. I was tired of no one giving me an answer.

"I promise to tell you everything you want to know. I just don't want you to get all worked up and think the worst is going to happen. I've been through that and, believe me, it's no way to live. You end up just focusing on the negative. And I don't want you to do that."

Fifth, acceptance.

Or as Alex would probably refer to it as, humor therapy.

_It's no way to live_.

Alex's mindset, when I met her, was that there is something good that can be found if you try to see the lighter side of things. Tears and self-pity won't cure your cancer. You can be bitter and angry at the world, at virtually everyone, and it's not going to change anything.

"It's not worth it," she said. "I remember my brothers trying to cheer me up when I was still so upset about it all. And it would just upset me even more. But now I look back and I think to myself like, why was it such a crime to be happy? To _laugh_? Just because I'm dying doesn't mean I'm dead."

"_Alex_."

"Sorry. You know what I mean. It's a waste of time. And you really realize how precious time is when you're in this position."

Because she didn't know how much she had. Time was never something definite. One day she could feel healthy as ever and the next she could collapse in the bakery section of a Stop & Shop.

Nothing was certain.

And I understood what she meant. It's awful that it takes something horrible to make people understand and appreciate these things. Why should everyone only care about living their lives to the fullest and seeing the brighter side of everything when there's a possibility they might be gone the next day?

I remember when I told Alex I played guitar and she told me she'd always wanted to learn.

_"So why don't you?"_

_"I don't know. No time?"_

Little things, I've noticed, that she loves or appreciates and then the ones she wishes she could do, I wanted her to get the chance to do everything. Simple things that people wouldn't even think is that big of a deal or worth referring to as _accomplishing_ like learning a new instrument. Or watching every Fred Astaire film.

I guess the stages are similar to grieving a loss. But in a way the situations are similar too.

You lose a lot when you have cancer. Things people take for granted. Things that don't seem important. Everyday tasks can become much more difficult or sometimes even impossible.

"Around the time before I started high school I was in the hospital because I couldn't do anything on my own."

"_Anything_?"

"Well…sort of. I mean, it got to the point where it was necessary. Like…I don't know. Everything hurt. I don't really want to think about all that. I'm better now."

"Are you really?"

"I've been fine since I came back to school, Mitch. This was just an accident."

"But Alex-"

"Mitchie _please_. I don't…I don't want you to look at me like I'm…broken."

"I don't; it's just that…I don't want anything to happen to you. I love you."

She already knew my fears. It's why she never wanted me to know about it. She didn't want to worry me. She didn't want me to be upset thinking about something that's just _constantly hurting her_. It was hard not to think of it.

She breathed out and let go of my hand. It was the first time since I had come back in the morning. My hand felt clammy but it was warm and I missed the feeling of our fingers wrapped together and her palm pressed against my own.

"I know," she said. "I love you too."

"Do you get out of here today?" I asked. I knew she didn't want to talk about any of it, where she was, why she was there, et cetera.

And I didn't want our relationship, wherever it was that we stood then, to feel so strained and tense and focused on the fact that, yes, Alex had cancer.

"Some time in the afternoon, yeah."

"Are you gonna go home?"

It was the open invitation to the topic we had closed the book on the previous night. No serious discussions. But what happens next? Alex was always thinking of what would happen. I was the only thing in her life she could live in the moment with.

My ignorance was her bliss.

"I think so. It seems easier for now. You know…until everything goes back to normal."

"How normal?"

"I haven't decided yet."

"Okay."

"When I have it all figured out, I'll let you know."

"Promise?"

"No matter what."

I gave her the time she needed. I understood. And it hit me that it was probably the first time I actually did understand Alex and what she was doing and why she was doing it, even just barely. I took comfort in the empathy I could finally feel.

We didn't talk about us or the hospital or treatment or how we felt or anything that had to do with four letters. We talked like we used to and then I left and that was that. I didn't text her and I didn't call her. I just waited.

I felt like I was always waiting.

I waited for my feelings to go away. And when she surpassed me I waited to catch up to her and just say _I love you _already. I waited for us to adjust and for her to give me some sort of sign that we weren't being reckless by moving in together. We weren't pushing things too far. I waited for her to come around. I waited for her to come back to me. I waited for her to give me all sorts of answers.

And I waited and _waited_ for someone to tell me she was okay. That everything was going to be fine. That we could go back to normal, and _she_ could go back to normal. Before anything got in her way from living her life. I wanted her to breathe and know that she can do all the things she wanted, that she had _time_.

She told me I could tell Shane. I thought it was so weird how nonchalant she was but she seemed like she had spent a decent amount of time before thinking about it.

"I don't want you to have to lie to him," she said. "He's your best friend."

Best friend. My mind went back to Nate and how he had known all along and never said a word. I wanted to be angry. Because didn't _I _have the right to know? But if the roles were reversed I wouldn't have said anything. I loved Alex too much to break her trust like that.

In a way I respected him. Which was odd considering how annoyed I was with him just a few days before. But at the end of the day he was just being a good friend and keeping his word that I know Alex made him swear to. And I smiled. Because I was glad Alex had someone like that in her life.

I can't say I didn't miss her. Knowing the truth set my mind on a different path—thankfully—and I was consumed with my thoughts on Alex's final decision. But I believed her when she said she loved me. That had to have been enough.

Right?

I drowned myself in my work and my classes, spending every night studying. My books and papers my only company. I took my mind off of Alex long enough to get my homework done but when I was lying alone in my bed and remembered how her hair would tickle my skin or her fingers would trace my thighs I couldn't help but cry.

I couldn't ask her to come back. I had done that too many times, even before. She knew how I felt about all of this. But I wasn't sure. What if she made up her mind? What if she decided that there was just no room for me anymore? Would I be able to let her go?

My eyes burned almost as badly as my chest and I just wanted it all to stop. Surely, the pain wouldn't subside if she did decide to cut me out once and for all but that pain would have to go away eventually. Because I would have no choice.

I felt the weight of the distance as the days went on. The silence was even heavier. I hated it but I knew she had a lot going on and I didn't want to add any pressure. I had always tried to be someone in her life that didn't expect anything but I was demanding explanations and decisions left and right. I had to let her be.

Of course, my heightened nerves and paranoia of my girlfriend, or ex-girlfriend, whatever, leaving me—again—were more or less irrational only a few days in. Time seemed to pass incredibly slowly while I waited. And I wondered if it was the same for her. Did she enjoy time slowing down for a bit? Or instead were the days racing by faster than ever before?

By the fourth day I pulled myself out of my own thoughts and forced myself to do something to take my mind off of her. Just like self-pity wasn't going to make NSHL suddenly disappear, my depression wasn't going to make Alex come around any faster, if at all.

I debated calling Shane but he had a habit of not being able to stray from the topics I tried to avoid. The last thing I wanted was someone who was going ask me about Alex or talk about her or anything that reminded me of her at all. And I knew someone who fit the bill.

It might have been a mistake. But at the time I needed both a friend and a distraction. It didn't even seem like Alex was going to call me at all even if she did decide to break my heart all over again. Was she just sparing me a second time? Alex and I were done. And as far as I knew, she planned to keep it that way.

Living only a few doors down from each other was both helpful and mildly troublesome. Of course, that was when Alex was actually in the picture. But then again Danielle and I never had anything between us. Girlfriend or not I just didn't see her in that light and it was hard for me to even with my reluctantly single status.

She was always eager to hang out. And I almost frowned at the memory of Alex laughing when she would get _too excited_ to see me. I missed that confidence in her. She had me and she knew it. She never worried about doubtful thoughts or wandering eyes.

Even with the discouragement Danielle never let up. But rejecting her advances multiple times should have been enough for her to let it all go but the girl was recklessly persistent. I just never had the heart to cut ties because she was still a friend.

Second, and perhaps most importantly, she never pushed.

It was probably why Alex never had a problem with the relationship I shared with the blonde but I also never felt the need to be rude enough to walk away. Granted, she wasn't Alex's biggest fan and vice versa but they had a mutual unspoken tolerance, which I greatly appreciated, for the sake of my sanity.

She never crossed any lines and for that reason I was actually thankful for the subtle comments here and there. Nothing ever escalated past harmless (to me) flirting and the _not so subtle_ glances that I only reserved for Alex and Alex alone. And while all of it went unreturned she still somehow remained interested. I didn't get it.

I showed up at her room and she was more than willing to go do something. I didn't give her a reason for my sudden need for company but something told me she didn't care to know.

It wasn't a secret that Alex wasn't living with me anymore and anyone could have simply guessed that we had called it quits and weren't just trying some new separation. Thankfully only our floor was up to date on each other's lives. No one bothered me about it though. It was just another broken heart after all.

She was dressed in a navy blue shirt and white shorts that I felt stopped entirely too high up on her thighs for the slightly cool weather outside. She smiled warmly and I could see the genuine happiness in her eyes. Of course. I was single and standing in her doorway. And I thought to myself.

What the actual hell was I getting myself into?

We went to the movies. An obscenely stupid comedy that we laughed at regardless. We went to lunch after and it felt nice to be out with a friend and not focus so heavily on all of the negative things going on. The only problem was I realized that I didn't like not thinking about Alex almost as much as I didn't like thinking about her.

The only conclusion I came to was that I couldn't get Alex out of my head no matter how hard I tried to distract myself. It worked for a while but when Danielle would flash a smile or bat her lashes I would just think of Alex. Our knuckles brushed against each other on our way back to residence and I wanted to look up and see Alex walking beside me, shyly and silently asking me to hold her hand.

Every look, every gesture, every compliment went right over my head. So what if she thought my hair looked pretty in the sunlight or that my smile was _just too cute_ when I laughed too loudly. She wasn't Alex.

Alex, meanwhile, could have made her decision by then and was already in the process of trying to forget about me. Could she ever? I looked over at Danielle beside me as I led us upstairs and wondered what was going through her head. I didn't have to think too hard because she randomly asked me, "So how are you and Alex?"

I was taken aback but we were headed towards the room we once shared. And I could bet that she was just _itching_ to ask where I stood on the whole situation.

"Um…we're…okay, I guess," I said. It should have been a good enough answer. It wasn't really anyone's business anyway.

"It's just I haven't seen her here and you like…hardly come out of your room anymore."

Her voice always had this tone to it that made almost everything she had ever said always sound like it was meant to be comical. I would chalk it up to her being a blonde but that was too stereotypical, even for me.

"I know. I just haven't been up to…socializing. I like being alone these days."

I don't know how she believed that lie but I was glad that she didn't know any more than I ever told her.

"Well I'm glad you're starting to come out more. We've missed seeing you out. I know I have," she said, placing her hand gently on my arm. I wouldn't have noticed because it didn't even last that long. But it was a weird feeling and I felt my nerves kicking in as I tried to find my keys.

"I'm sorry. I know I've been ignoring everyone."

"It's okay. It just kind of sucks."

I could practically hear her disdain for Alex in her voice, which was odd because it sounded like she wanted to laugh too.

"Yeah…I'll try to get out more," I said just before I opened the door to my room. "I had fun today."

She stood in the hallway and I didn't know what else to do. She was looking at me, almost expectantly. But what was she expecting? Did she want me to invite her in? Did she want me to kiss her? Did I want to?

"Me too. And hey, maybe we can do this again sometime. It's been a while since we hung out just the two of us."

I was all too aware of that.

"Yeah, maybe."

I had purposely made it a point to make sure we weren't alone that often or…ever, really. We had hung one on one before but I didn't want to do anything that would make Alex uncomfortable. Caitlyn usually tagged along with us, much to Danielle's disappointment…and Caitlyn's amusement.

I looked down and noticed her hand had reached out to hold mine. I didn't know when that had happened but I kept my eyes on them and how I wasn't holding hers back. And then I looked back at her and how she was looking at me with those eyes again. I had to admit, she _was_ a pretty girl.

Before I could say something or make a motion to pull my hand from hers I heard the sound of someone clearing their throat.

I looked out in the hallway only to find it empty before I looked back in my room only to find Alex sitting on the bed with her legs crossed and her hands on her knees. The first thing that went through my mind was how on Earth did I not notice her when I opened the door? And the second was _Danielle was still holding my hand_.

I stepped away from her and watched her face fall along with her arm.

"Alex," I said and felt my stomach turn. I swallowed past something in my throat and I hated how it felt like I had been caught doing something terrible. Alex and I weren't together. And Danielle and I were just friends. Hanging out. Nothing more.

"Hey," was all she said. She looked at the blonde standing next to me and thankfully she wasn't touching me anymore.

"What…are you uh, what are you doing here?"

"I wanted to talk to you."

Her eyes darted back and forth between me and Danielle. I could only imagine the thoughts running through the blonde girl's mind. From hanging out with me to finding my ex in my room. Every opinion stifled. Every word left unspoken. It wasn't the time for any of that.

She kept her mouth shut and just stood there awkwardly. As did I.

"Um…Danielle, could you please give us a minute?" she asked, polite as ever. Her voice was leveled but had a hint of something I just couldn't put my finger on.

"Sure," she said and I saw the disappointment again. And it wasn't like I enjoyed letting her down but it wasn't like we were on a date or anything. But it still wasn't ideal for me to be giving her false hope or leading her on when it was in no way my intention.

We said our farewells and I almost forgot that she was one of _those_ girls that greeted and said goodbye to nearly everyone with a kiss. I honestly thought for a moment that she was going to switch it up, _reckless_, and go for my lips. Just to spite Alex.

She kissed my cheek and I tried not to sigh in relief as I returned the goodbye gesture. But I wanted the moment to be over quicker than the very second it lasted.

I closed the door behind her and faced Alex. Her face didn't show an emotion I could read.

"So…" I said. "Why didn't you call me or something?"

"Sorry…I didn't mean to interrupt anything."

I scrunched my face up at the statement, and my brows furrowed together. I walked over to the bed but didn't sit next to her just yet.

"What are you talking about?"

"I know I should have called but…I didn't want to have this conversation over the phone."

"No I meant…you weren't interrupting anything."

"That's not what it looked like," she said. And it amazed me that she managed to do so without sounding bitter. If she believed that there was actually _something_ that she interrupted was she really not mad about it? "It's okay; it's none of my business I guess."

"You guess?"

"Yeah I mean…I was the one who ended things so I can't really do anything if you want to…be with other people…and-"

"What?"

"-I don't blame you, really, not after everything and it really isn't fair to you. You were right-"

"Alex…"

"-about all of it so I can't stop you if you want to-"

She was looking down at her lap and her eyes would shift to the ceiling. As ridiculous as I thought she was being, the only thing I could focus on was how adorable she was when she was nervous and rambling.

"Alex."

"-be with someone else, someone who isn't going to…_why_ are you smiling?" she asked. And I couldn't help but breathe out a laugh at the confused look on her face.

"Alex…I don't _like_ Danielle. We were just hanging out. I have no interest in dating her."

"You don't?"

"No, I never have; you know that. And I honestly never will. I just don't see her like that."

"Oh."

"I mean, I know she still likes me but…that's as far as that goes."

"…Oh," she repeated. I finally took a seat next to her on the bed.

"Alex…what are you really doing here?"

"Well…I realized that…I really miss you. And that you were right. And…I was right too."

"About what?"

"That I let things go on too long."

She pushed her long bangs out of her eyes and behind her ear. She tugged her shirt down before looking at me finally.

"I want to say that I regret it all. That I would have been better off if I had just walked away that day in the tenth grade. That you would be better off too. And who knows, maybe you would have been. But I can't sit here and tell you that."

"Why not?"

"Because…it would be a lie."

The rays of light peeking in through the only window in the room casted an orange-ish glow against her pale skin and it highlighted the shine of her dark brown hair. I reached out to run my fingers through it, grazing my nails along the side of her head and the back of her neck.

She leaned into my touch and looked at the comforter before I could get ahead of myself. I still had no idea where the whole thing was going.

"I just miss you, Mitch."

"I miss you too."

"And I…I hate feeling like I'm being selfish but…I want to be with you."

My heart was beating faster, like it was the first time she told me she had feelings for me all over again. Watching a movie and telling me to close my eyes. _Just do this for me._ I breathed in and licked my lips.

"You do?"

"I want to believe that we can make this work. I know there's a possibility that things can go wrong. I've had to deal with this for so many years, Mitch. I've always had to deal with…not knowing what's going to happen. And I hate it."

"I know. But Alex, you know I love you, I-"

"Exactly. That's just it. I _know_. Mitchie…" she said, and it seemed that she was trying not to cry but her eyes remained dry. She looked down and smiled as she exhaled. "You're the only thing I'd ever been sure of. My whole life since I was twelve has been vague answers and doubt…"

_Uncertainty_.

"…and I never feel that with you."

I smiled too.

"I'm tired of not being happy because I'm too afraid."

"But you deserve to be happy, Alex."

"I know. And you make me happy. And I know I caused this whole mess but I'm sorry for everything and for going all back and forth on you. Leaving and coming right back. I told you I can't stay away."

"It wouldn't have mattered," I cut in before she could say anything else. "I love you, Alex, and even if we never get back together…"

My chest tightened at the thought.

"…I would never stop caring about you. Ever."

I knew her fears. The fear of _leaving_. She didn't want me to go through what she went through if God forbid something were to happen. But I missed her even when she was gone for a few days and practically lost my mind after a week or so.

She wasn't someone I could just _forget_.

And I realized as well. She was right.

She had let it go on too long.

"I love you too," she said.

She realized after the sixth time we hung out that she wanted to be friends. She _actually_ wanted to put all of her worries and fears aside just to have someone in her life. Even if it was just a friend.

She should have realized when she realized she liked me. She should have realized when she told me she was in love with me.

"Do you think we can start over?"

I blinked and stared at her not knowing how to respond. And I opened my mouth to speak but couldn't come up with anything. No words escaped me and I didn't know why. But I was so happy to hear her ask me that.

"Well, not start over but like…God, I didn't think I'd be so nervous," she breathed out and even laughed again. "I guess I don't always know what to say, huh?"

"I still like your words."

"I still like you," she said, smiling even wider. I laughed that time and she leaned her head against my shoulder. I rested my hand on her leg and my other I brought around to touch her cheek. "You're worth all of it, Mitch. I'd rather have you in my life." She paused. "If you still want me, I mean. I know I've been annoying."

Another light chuckle passed my lips and I gently squeezed her thigh.

"You're so cute."

She looked up at me. My hand still lingering on her face. My fingertips barely tangled in her hair. My thumb brushing the top of her cheek. The faint red tint didn't go unnoticed and I smiled like I hadn't in _weeks_.

Like I used to.

"So…what do you say?"

Her lips were inviting and I had to control myself from staring at them too long. The temptation was killing me. And, still smiling, I asked her.

"Can I please kiss you already?"

My hand was there, tilting her towards me. Guiding. _Begging_. There was a playful glint in her eyes, masking the relief which she sighed against my lips. I took my hand off of her leg and wrapped my arm around her waist.

Her words rang through my head. All fears of seeing her differently. Treating her differently. I ignored everything and pushed her back against the bed, _our bed_, and her arms found their way around my neck, bringing me down with her.

Her lips were warm and felt softer than the last time she had kissed me. I pulled away for a second or so and looked down at her flushed face and still pouted lips and I kissed them. I kissed her cheek, near the corner of her mouth. I kissed it multiple times, over and over. And then I kissed her lips again.

I breathed out and Alex ran her hands under my shirt and up my back, pulling me against her. She hugged me close and I took the moment to look in her eyes. They didn't show any signs of fear or doubt. Nothing like before. I loved her. She loved me.

And she was sure.

"So…was that a yes…or…"

I ducked my head in the crook of her neck and kissed her collarbone. When I picked my head back up I held my finger in front of her face and narrowed my eyes.

"Yes…but it's going to cost you…"

She raised her eyebrows but played along anyway.

"Anything you want, angel."

"Anything?"

"Anything," she said, her fingertips on my sides, slowly trailing up and down my ribs. She was a little breathless but she held my gaze. And I knew exactly what I wanted.

"Move back in with me."

She bit her lip, dragging the thought out, making me wait. I hovered over her and watched as she played with the belt loops of my skinny jeans, tugging them against her hips. And then she looked back up at me and the corner of her lip curved up into the brightest smile.

"Done."

* * *

**chapter/song title: Always by Blink 182**


	10. Dreaming of Manhattan

**hi omg please don't kill me I know I've been gone forever. I'm sorry if the chapter isn't exactly worth the wait but I hope you like it :$**

**I hope you're still with me at all lmao, enjoy, let me know what you think**

* * *

10. Dreaming of Manhattan

_In my dreams, we fly away from all the pain and school bell rings  
__To a city that never sleeps and I can see you smile all day  
__And I can show you just how beautiful complications can be_

* * *

It felt strange, in a sense, to wake up in my dorm room with Alex again. I had become used to being alone in bed, even before she had broken up with me. It was as if it was the first time in a little over a year that Alex and I were actually _together_. That both of us were actually in the relationship.

We spent the rest of the night in the room, _our_ room. I picked up take out from around the corner from residence and we ate on the floor while we watched _Easter Parade_, another one off of her list. The room was dark after we had eaten and I could see her eyes brighten whenever she would smile at every song and dance number.

"You know," I remember saying to her. "I'm starting to see why you like these so much."

She turned to face me with her head tilted and the most curious look I had seen from her in a while.

"I thought you liked them," she said.

"No, no, I do. But…I don't know how to explain it. I mean, aren't you always saying that we all like things differently?"

"What?"

"Like…we might like things for different reasons, you know-"

"No sweetheart I meant what did you like," she interrupted with a smile and I looked down at my lap. It was about halfway through the film and I had cleared the plates and whatnot so we would be more comfortable. We didn't move to the bed though; we just stayed on the floor with a blanket over our legs.

"It's always so weird when you ask me things like that."

"You have to have something in mind though, right?"

"I suppose I do. But the thing is…I've always wanted to see what _you_ like in…well, not just these movies, but in everything."

"Well I just really love Fred Astaire. I mean come on, look how cute he is. And don't even get me started on how wonderful Judy Garland is."

"Okay, I'll give you that."

"Well obviously there are other reasons, silly. But isn't it better to see things for yourself, not others?"

"I can't help it that I'm curious."

She giggled quietly and laid her head on my shoulder. I could feel her hand on top of my thigh, holding it gently.

"Well did you come up with anything?"

"Maybe. I think it might be the whole concept of it."

"That you like?"

"Yeah. A lot of his movies have that typically _ordinary_ aspect."

"Ordinary?"

"Yeah like…look at Hannah. She is supposed to be this simple girl and Don picks her out of all the dancers anyway. But there's something special about her. Ordinary girl, but what seems simple is actually really wonderful, you know what I'm saying?"

"Of course I do. I've always loved that about his movies. It also makes me think of you."

"Me? Why me? I can't even dance."

She laughed louder that time, her breath tickling my skin as she turned her face into my arm.

"Not that. I mean…well, there isn't really anything special about me. But you picked me anyway."

"So…you're the Judy Garland to my Fred Astaire," I told her and she smiled hard.

"Oh my God, I have never swooned so hard in my life," she said and slid down my side until her head was in my lap. She looked up at me with such a bright smile it made me blush. "Mitchie, you are truly the most charming person on this planet."

"Oh stop."

I brushed her hair away from her face with my fingertips and slowly trailed them down her cheek.

"And for the record, you were always special to me."

"Why?" she asked.

And I could have listed a million and one reasons.

"Why not?"

She closed her eyes but her smile remained in place. The music from the television floated in one ear and out the other and she sighed contentedly.

"And you say I have all the right words…"

I did think it was strange, yet oddly nice, that she didn't bring up what had happened earlier that day. Granted, I doubt she wanted to talk about our…persistent neighbor.

But then again she always did have the tendency to avoid things that made her uncomfortable instead of bringing them up, for fear of making other people uncomfortable.

I didn't want there to be anything left unsaid, especially where we were at in our relationship. Knowing Alex had cancer was something that was going to certainly take me a good while to get used to but I do understand why she kept it from me…for the most part.

I didn't want to ignore it and I didn't want it to be a constant subject of discussion either. And it wasn't that it was _bothering_ me like I knew some things bothered her and she would leave it alone. I just knew what happened when things built up.

The next morning she was still sound asleep when I was getting ready for class. It was the first night we had actually spent together in a long time and I had missed waking up to her. It felt right. And just…normal. Like it was how things should be.

I watched her wake up as I tugged my jeans on. Still wrapped in our comforter and her hair falling in front of her face, she turned to me and frowned.

"What time is it?" she asked.

"Time for you to go back to bed. It's Wednesday, remember?"

She rubbed her eyes and flipped over onto her back. When she sat up I moved to the edge of the bed and kissed her forehead. There was something about Alex, first thing in the morning.

Too early to think about anything, practically no thoughts going through her head. And for just a little while she didn't worry about anything. It was peaceful. And somewhat comforting. She smiled at me and tugged my hand until I was lying on the bed with her.

"Alex, I have class."

"Don't go."

"But I have to."

"Such a responsible student…I'm disappointed."

"Oh shut up, don't be clingy," I joked and she scoffed at me.

"_Excuse_ me!"

"Right, not clingy…just jealous."

"_What_!"

"Are we not gonna talk about that?"

"I don't know what you're talking about…" she trailed off, looking away but my smile just grew. I knew she wasn't as okay with everything as she had let on the day before.

"It's okay. You're really cute when you're jealous."

"Shut up," she whined.

"I thought you thought it was funny when Danielle would hit on me."

"It is. Just…not when you're single. It's different when we're not together."

"What happened to you being okay with me being with someone else?" I challenged.

"_Listen_…you know how I am, Mitch. Let's just…not."

I laughed again and lightly shoved her back onto the bed.

"Whatever you say, loser."

"Alright _fine_, I don't want you to be with anyone else are you _happy _now, dear?"

"Extremely," I said as I reached for her hand and kissed the back of it. "Not that you have anything to worry about anyway."

"Poor girl probably had her hopes up so high yesterday."

"I think you crushed them when she found you in my bed. So…"

"You make it sound so shameful."

"Not at all, love. I rather enjoy finding you in my bed," I told her, straddling her waist.

She raised her eyebrow and shook her head.

"You're ridiculous."

"Says you…"

"Says everyone…"

"I can think of someone who would disagree."

"_Mitchie_."

"I'm kidding!"

She scrunched her face up in disdain, looking down. I climbed off of her and went looking for my shoes. When I faced her again she still looked like that.

"What's the matter?"

She wasn't looking at me, and she didn't seem to be blinking either. She was in some sort of a trance, spacing out, and I waved my hand in front of her face to get her to snap out of it.

"Hey, what's up?" I said. "It was just a joke."

"I know, but…"

She paused and shifted over to the edge of the bed, crossing her legs one over the other.

"I'm sorry," she said. And I honestly didn't know what she was apologizing for exactly. I sat next to her again and she sighed.

"Something bugging you?"

"I guess not."

"I know you were like the lying champion for the last four years but now you're kind of terrible at it so…spill."

"It's nothing really. I don't know; I guess after yesterday I just am feeling…kind of…bad."

"Ouch."

"No, no not like that," she said quickly. "I meant about everything before."

"I thought we agreed to just put everything behind us and move on."

"I know. But is that really what you want?"

"What? Of course it is. Look, Alex, I don't want to get into something that's in the past and that, yes, I have long past forgiven," I told her and took her cheeks between my fingers. "How many times do I have to tell you that?"

"But…"

"No buts. Now I have to get to class but I will see you…" I said, kissing her forehead again, "…later."

She pouted but finally offered a smile when I stood back up. I could tell she was still bothered but was just trying to avoid something that could potentially turn into an argument.

It was weird how we were so…fine…the night before. But I guess it made a bit of sense, considering we had literally _just_ gotten back together. Maybe overnight she had time to think about everything. And I mean _everything_.

And I would be lying if I said those thoughts never crossed my mind. I mean, I had plenty of time to think about all the _negatives_ when we were apart. But does it really ever count when you're in such a…bad place, so to speak? I was upset; of course I was going to think about it.

I didn't want her to feel like she _owed_ me anything though. It was hard for her and I knew that. I was left in the dark for a while but I already had told her it was okay and I didn't hold anything against her. She was sick for crying out loud. I wasn't about to hold a grudge just because of that. What was I supposed to say?

How _dare_ she break up with me because she has cancer?

Given the circumstances, her breaking up with me seemed entirely justified even if she was just being overly cautious and way too protective of me and _my_ feelings.

How ironic.

I had even thought about how I handled it all before I found out what was going on. Was I too hard on her or was it okay because I had no idea? She didn't seem to take it to heart but I don't think that should really count for anything because she put all the blame on herself regardless.

The poor girl had lymphoma and she was _sorry_ about it. Like, _I hope my terminal illness isn't too much of a bother to you_; good God the thought alone was just absurd.

I was more than willing to forget it all but I knew Alex and she was going to hang on to whatever it was that she was feeling. And I had this annoying thought in my head that what she was feeling was guilt.

I didn't bring it up after that morning though. I waited around to see if she would speak up again or just let it keep bothering her. Because I just _knew_ it was sitting there in the back of her mind.

Our relationship was good though. We didn't fight about things. She wasn't distant like she used to be. Since things were all out in the open it was like we could actually be _together_ again. And something I did notice, however, was that she was putting in more of an effort. Even more than before. And I mean _way _before.

Now, I would have understood if she wasn't up for going out or doing anything or if she was tired or not feeling well. I do have the tendency to be empathetic from time to time. But it was like now that I knew she didn't want me to feel like it was bringing us down. Like _she_ wasn't bringing _me_ down.

I had suggested numerous times that it was okay if we stay in or if we don't do anything. But she made it a point to do or say extra things and I should have just been all _oh how sweet of her_ but maybe she was right in that I couldn't help but worry all the time.

It was like she was trying to prove that she wasn't that sick. I just wasn't sure who she was trying to prove it to more.

And the last thing I wanted to tell her was that I felt _bad_ for her.

Over the course of the few weeks following the night we finally got back together I noticed the change in her. If change is what you can really call it. Maybe if I hadn't been so used to her being so distant with me that year I wouldn't have thought anything of it.

It would range from small things like leaving me texts for when I got out of class or one time she even made coffee for me in the morning; and I didn't notice until the middle of my chemistry lecture that she had written all over the cup. A simple I love you on one side and short but beautiful poetry on the other.

Little things, just to make me smile.

And I did. Every time.

But then she would make the extra effort. Things I didn't expect from her anymore. Because even though it was unfortunate, I _understood_. She planned dates and we would go out and it was like we were back in high school again.

I loved how sweet she was being but it had gotten to the point where I felt like it was forced. Not the motives behind it. No, she was trying; a sincere and genuine effort. Because I knew she truly did want to make me happy. But it got to the point where it seemed like it was just too much for her.

We would go out and she would be completely drained the next day. And no matter how many times I tried to tell her she didn't _have_ to do all of it she ignored me every time. It was probably about a month and a half before I decided we needed to talk about everything we had been putting aside.

I remember I was walking home from one of my classes around night time. I always took the long way back because the weather was nice and I liked how open the sky looked from the Garden City community park. During our freshman year, Alex and I would end up there too many times to count just to sit out and look at the stars.

Sometime between walking outside and seeing the moon in the sky, around maybe halfway through my walk, I called her and told her to meet me there. I wandered around aimlessly until I felt someone wrap their arms around my waist from behind and smelled the very perfume that lingered long after it was gone and drove me insane in the most strangely wonderful way.

"Hey you," she said, resting her chin on my shoulder once I stopped walking. She pressed her lips to my cheek and I turned around in her embrace. I took a moment but ended up staring for longer than I intended. "Everything okay?"

"Yeah," I said. "I just wanted to see you."

"I mean…it's not like we live together or anything…"

"Shut up, you know what I meant."

"This isn't one of those _we need to talk_ deals is it? Because I'm starting to get nervous."

I pulled away from her and she grabbed my hand, intertwining our fingers, and I led us down the concrete path in the park.

"There's nothing to worry about."

"Just checking."

I laughed a little and looked down at my shoes as they dragged across the ground. The sound it made was the only thing audible to accompany the faint chirping of crickets.

Nothing was said for a while. And for a moment I didn't want to break the silence at all the rest of the night. We could have just walked quietly, not saying a word. We would have gone back to residence and watched TV until we both fell asleep in our bed. I sighed at the thought, breaking the silence by accident anyway.

It was too simple. It was like there was always something that needed to be said or something that needed to be brought to attention. And I hated it. But it wasn't like either of us could help it. And I didn't know how to bring anything up, ever really, without making it seem like it was all a burden on me.

Because I _knew_ that was what she was always afraid of.

"I want to take you out this Friday," I randomly said and she looked at me curiously, with just a small hint of a smile on her lips.

"What?"

"C'mon, can't I do something nice for you?"

"You always do nice things for me; don't be silly, angel."

"But lately you're just…_always_ doing something."

She raised an eyebrow and her pace slowed just a bit. I matched it and hung back with her, looking at her facial expression changing.

"Is that…a…bad…thing?"

"Of course not, not at all, but I just don't want you to feel like…you _have_ to."

"Honey, I don't do nice things and take you out because I feel like I have to. I want to."

"No…I know…but, it's just," I sighed again and rubbed the bridge of my nose.

"Where are you going with this?" she asked gently and I shook my head. What was another conversation put off, anyway, right? We continued walking.

"Nowhere. I just want to do something on Friday is all."

"_Okay_," she said, dragging it out and grinning slightly, amused by my weirdness. "What did you have in mind?"

"Can it be a surprise?"

"You're asking me?"

"I mean…yeah," I said with a light chuckle. The moon had a clear path from the sky to the side of her face; no clouds, no trees. Just the light casting a dull glow on her cheek and I leaned over to kiss it. When I pulled back she smiled shyly and looked down. "So, Friday?"

"How could I say no?"

"You could…"

"I don't want to."

"Well how are you feeling?"

"Oh, come on," she said and stopped again. "Don't turn this into a therapy session, please."

"I'm not. I was just wondering."

"I'm fine. I've been fine. You don't have to worry I'm going to die every ten seconds."

"_Alex_. God, can you _please_ not say things like that? You know I hate it."

"And you know I hate it when you ask me if I'm okay all the time. If I wasn't I would tell you."

"Would you really?"

"_Yes_," she groaned and continued down the path. I jogged back to her side and reached for her hand that she surprisingly let me take anyway. "I just want to be with you and go out normally and not have to worry about not being okay or have you worrying and I don't-"

"Hey, hey," I stopped her and forced her to look at me. Her eyes held a certain sadness in them and she looked like she was trying her hardest not to cry. And I wondered if she had been trying for a while. "It's okay."

"No it's not."

"Sweetheart, look at me. We're fine. I know I'm a pain in the ass with my worrying but I just want what's best for you."

She didn't say anything as she wiped at her eye with the palm of her hand. Although it didn't seem as if any tears were actually falling. I bit my lip and held back the urge to say anything else before she did.

"How can you be okay with all of this?" she asked. "I have no choice. This is my life, Mitch."

"I know but I'm here. Whatever is going on, good or bad, I'll be right there with you, alright?" I told her. She was looking down again as she rubbed her forehead and sighed loudly.

"I hate this so much, Mitch."

She walked off the path and sat on a nearby bench with her legs folded and her head in her hands. I sat beside her and pulled her arm so I could see her when I spoke.

There was something so heartbreaking about seeing her that night. I had seen her upset before. And I had seen her upset about her lymphoma too. When I saw her in the hospital that first time it was the most broken I had ever seen her.

But every other time, even when she wasn't feeling well, she would just smile and think everything in the world was wonderful. She would look past everything wrong, everything hurting her, and instead be thankful for everything she does have and all the things she gets to see and appreciate every single day.

But hearing her that night, seeing her on the verge of losing it…it was something else. She looked hopeless. And that was one word I never thought I would ever use to describe Alex.

"You loved keeping this from me…didn't you?" I asked softly and she leaned back against the bench. She stared up at the sky before shutting her eyes and shaking her head.

"I didn't _like_ lying to you, Mitch."

"That's not what I meant. I mean…" I sighed and she looked at me again, "…me not knowing, it made you feel…normal."

She didn't answer me but she uncrossed her legs and brought them over my lap. She looked at me with a frown and tired eyes. I placed my hand on her knee.

"You know, Alex…I get it. I really do. I don't want you to feel like this is something that I could just never understand."

"It's just that…when I was with you…before…it was like I could pretend nothing was wrong with me. Most of the time. It was…easier."

"I'm not making it easier, am I?"

"I don't…blame you, or anything. And I love that you care…"

"Oh awesome, I didn't plan on stopping," I told her and she even laughed a little bit. "What happened to the girl I met in high school who would love to be sitting out here with a copy of _The Old Man and the Sea_ under a streetlight and Eric Clapton playing quietly on her iPod? You know, glancing up at the people that happen to pass by and getting distracted from the book because people are just _so fascinating when they're alone with their own thoughts_."

"It's scary how well you know me. Except I already read _The Old Man and the Sea_," she said pointedly and added a slightly sheepish smile when I stared at her blankly. "I haven't read Hemingway in a while."

"My _point_ is that you never used to let this get you down so much. I mean, obviously I don't expect you to be okay twenty four seven, but you're a strong girl. And I know you know your life is more than just…cancer. And it is. _You_ are so much more than some…sick girl."

"…Really?"

"Yes. And that's what I'm here for. Yeah, I worry but I love you and I want you to be okay. I want to help you get back to your regular self when you feel like you're slipping away. It's alright to feel like you don't have everything together or under control."

"You know…" she said and traced her fingers down the side of my cheek. She moved some of my hair behind my ear and smiled despite everything. "You're the best thing that's ever happened to me. And even though it was easier when you didn't know, I don't regret telling you."

"I'm sorry things got all serious. I really did just want you to come walk with me so I could ask you out."

"You're awfully romantic."

"Only for you."

"Do you know how many times I think about the first time we met? And just…how unbelievably happy I am that it was you I decided to take a chance on. Like, I really can't picture being this close to anyone else."

"Can you picture kissing anyone else too?" I joked and she rolled her eyes at me, smiling and leaning in to kiss my lips hard. It took me a little by surprise and it made me slightly light headed when she pulled back and winked.

"No. I've never even thought about it."

"Not once?"

"Nope."

"Not even a little bit?"

"Would you like me to?" she asked, raising an eyebrow. "Because, I mean…"

"Of course I don't want you to!"

"It's okay; I'm too awkward for that anyway."

"Well it's a good thing I'm attracted to awkward."

"You really keep outdoing yourself with the whole _romantic_ thing."

"Shut up, you love me."

"Ugh I really do," she gushed and slipped her arm over my shoulder. "_So_, so, so, so much."

"Good because you're stuck with me," I said and she kissed me again. I could feel her smiling against my lips.

It was times like those, times when nothing mattered but the way we felt about each other, that I loved the most. Nothing getting in the way of that, not worrying about anything, just me and her. And I was glad I could take her mind off of things, and sort of get her back to her precious sense of normalcy, even if it was all in her head.

Because it was enough for her.

We spent the rest of the night just enjoying each other. I asked her if she wanted to head back home and instead she led me to a wide open space in the field and we lied on the grass and looked up at the night sky like we used to.

I knew what I wanted to do for that Friday. I wanted the date to be special even if it was for no particular reason. After seeing her so down about everything that night in the park I felt like reminding her of the things that made her happy, things that made her smile. Back before I even knew anything was wrong and we were just two teenagers in love with nothing to worry about.

She had class all day and I went to the building she was in to pick her up. She was in black skinny jeans and a loose white V-neck with a leather jacket and at least three books in her hand. When she walked by my car I honked to get her attention and she smiled and hurried over when she saw me.

"Hey, what are you doing here?" she asked, as if she was surprised to see me.

"I have a hot date tonight and I'm picking her up."

"Oh I think I saw her a minute ago; you just missed her."

"Alex…"

"Yes?"

"Get in the car you freak."

I unlocked the door for her and she greeted me with a kiss that had way too much passion in it for a university parking lot. Not that I was complaining.

"Well hello to you too," I said, a little breathless.

"Hello, beautiful."

"How was class?"

"Wonderful."

"You know, you're the only person who answers that question that happily and actually means it."

"Class might be a hassle but I just…love learning."

I looked at her for a moment as she folded a piece of paper and placed it inside of one of her books to save the page before putting her school things in the back seat. She had this huge smile on her face.

"Why?" I asked, curiously.

"You learn to love a lot of things when you realize how precious everything is."

"Class is precious?"

"No. But the opportunity to learn is."

"I love the way you think."

"Nothing new there," she said as she shook her head. "Are we going back to the room first?"

"We're going straight to our date."

"But Mitch I want to change," she whined.

"Why? You look so cute; who cares what you're wearing?"

"Where are we even going?"

"To our date."

She sighed loudly and sat back in her seat. I grabbed her hand over the arm rest and brought it up to my lips to kiss the back of it. She smiled brightly once again and laced our fingers together like she always did.

I only drove for around five minutes before we arrived.

"Wait…" she said when she realized where we were. "I thought you said we weren't coming home first."

"No. I just said we're going straight to our date."

"But…we're at residence."

"I know," I said and put the car in park. She was still sitting there confused so I walked around and politely opened her door for her. Taking her hand, I helped her out.

"I'm lost."

"No you're not. We're at the dorms."

"We're having our date in our room?" she asked as we walked hand in hand to the building.

"Something like that."

I ignored her questioning and her confusion until we got to our door. The lights were off and instead of turning the main light on I opened the blinds to let the light in from the setting sun. She walked in behind me and looked around with a look of awe and curiosity.

"Mitch what is all of this?"

"Look familiar to you?" I asked and brought her to sit down at our small table that I moved from the corner of the room to the center. "Think spring two years ago."

It was around April when the weather was starting to get nice enough to be comfortable outside. I had surprised Alex for her birthday with this dinner cruise on the New York Harbor. Combining the things Alex loved including food, the water, the city, and of course me, she never shut up about how it was _just the_ _best date she had ever been on_.

I considered taking her again for our date that night but since it was already cold out it would have been even worse out in the water. And the last thing I wanted was for her to get sick. Plus, she was hardly ever up for going all the way to Manhattan anymore by then; it just wore her out.

So I brought the date home instead. I ordered dinner from Alex's favorite local restaurant and set up a table as nicely as I could, adding music and even the scenery to tie it all together to recreate her favorite date.

She stared at the bright lights of the New York skyline I plastered across our dorm room walls and turned back to me.

"Mitchie this is incredible; how did you do all of this?"

"It wasn't easy. The guys who work down at the computer lab hate me for being so _complicated_," I said and she laughed as I took out a lighter and lit the candles I had set up.

"Are these seriously ocean scented?" she laughed loudly and pushed her hair out of her face, smiling at the table.

"I thought of everything, darling."

"I can see that."

"Hang on, I have a great playlist I made just for tonight."

I got up and plugged my iPod into the speakers and played the list I constructed of songs and artists I knew Alex loved dearly. Coincidentally _New York State of Mind_ by Billy Joel was the first to come up on shuffle.

"Are all of them New York themed?" she asked, trying not to laugh again.

"No that was just ironic. But hey, it works."

"You're adorable."

"Just you wait until the sun goes down."

"Why?"

"You'll see."

Occasionally she would glance up and look around the room at the city lining our walls. And she would smile, almost shyly, and look back down at her plate or back at me but say nothing at all. But the silence didn't matter. Because we were content. And I loved seeing her so happy.

"I still can't believe you did all of this for me."

"I told you I wanted to do something special."

"But…why?"

"Because…you're special…"

It was quiet again for a moment. She was staring at one of the candles on the table and I couldn't read the look on her face. She was happy. But there was something else there. All that could be heard was Frank Sinatra's _I Only Have Eyes for You_ until she sighed and looked back up at me.

"Did you know that you're my favorite person in the whole world?" she asked randomly.

"No, but please, go on," I said and she giggled and moved her food around the plate with her fork.

"I mean it. Like…I really love you. And I didn't think that would ever happen."

"You didn't think you'd love me?"

"I didn't think I'd love anyone."

And I thought about how it must have been for her. Back in high school when we had met during our sophomore year she was just coming back from the hospital and was a regular student again. She was embracing everything that she was able to get, even school; the _opportunity_ to learn.

And what were the odds that she would get to do something as simple as _learn_ ever again? Did she think she wouldn't be able to go to school anymore when she was confined to a hospital bed? How lucky did she feel to do something nearly everyone takes for granted?

If something as simple as going to school meant so much to her I couldn't imagine what it was like for her to actually fall in love.

"Well I'm glad it was me," I said to her.

"I am too. Ever since I found out I had cancer I was convinced nothing like this could ever happen to me. And it still amazes me. Every single day. I didn't think I'd fall in love at all let alone with someone who not only loves me back but is just…so incredible. And thoughtful. And understanding. And you always put me in a good mood and take my mind off of everything bad in my life."

"I mean…I'm alright," I said and she chuckled quietly as she smiled.

"I don't know, Mitch. It's like…you just remind me of all the good things in my life. And everything I thought I wouldn't have or do."

"Like what?"

"Like…there was a point when I was staying in the hospital when I was supposed to be a freshman in high school…and I was _really_ bad then. I honestly thought I wouldn't even make it to graduation."

"Really?"

"Really. But I did. I wore that cap and gown and cried hysterically in my dad's arms at my house before the actual ceremony. Because I didn't think I would be there. But I was. And I actually felt…okay."

It was interesting. She sounded sad yet looked so unbelievably happy.

"And I'm even in college like…I live with someone I love and I go to a university and I get to learn new things and I have a job and I get to watch you play music for people and I get to experience one of the greatest cities in the world and actually appreciate the beauty of it. Even in my own room," she added and I laughed that time. The sun was starting to fully go down and it was getting darker in the dorm except for the candles.

"But there are still other things you want to do."

"Well…yeah…of course. But I'm so grateful for everything I already have. Especially you."

"Well who's to say you can't do everything you want to?"

"It's not always that simple, sweetheart."

"Maybe it can be."

"You do too much for me as it is."

"Oh shush."

"Mitch…"

"I just want you to live your life. _Really_ live it, like you want to. Like you deserve to."

The sun fully faded but I could still see her in the glow of the candle flames. I smiled and looked up and soon she did the same to see what I was looking at. In the new darkness of the room she could finally see the dozens of little glow in the dark stars I had stuck all over the ceiling.

"Oh my God," she said, staring up at the fake night sky, with her jaw dropped and a bright smile stretching from cheek to cheek. "This is so cute." She looked back at me happily with a glint in her eyes and I knew that I would stick with that girl no matter what. And that I could never feel so much love for anyone as I feel for Alex. "Can we keep them after tonight?"

"Anything you want, babe. I thought you'd like them since we aren't actually outside."

"I love them," she said and got up from her seat. She leaned over across the table and kissed my lips sweetly. "And I love you."

And I could not for the life of me stop smiling when she sat back down.

It blew me away, it still blows me away, how someone as beautiful—in every sense of the word—as Alex ended up with me.

"I love you too."

* * *

**chapter/song title: Dreaming of Manhattan by Say Anything**


	11. Holdin' On Together

**thankfully this didn't take as long as last time. I'm just trying to get school stuff done first. the next one _shouldn't _ take too long either but we'll see.**

**I hope you like this one. don't forget to review :$**

* * *

11. Holdin' On Together

_Though I've been trying to lose it all before it's gone  
__Whatever comes, a heart can't smile if it's filled with tears  
__I've been waiting; all I got to do is call  
__Diving deeper, won't you get me out of this despair?_

* * *

Making the best of a shitty situation was something Alex was used to. I never really had that mentality until I met her. But even the strongest and most positive people get weak from time to time. I thought it was unbelievable how brilliantly she handled everything, even when it was too much for her to take.

I had made it a point to make sure Alex's cancer didn't get in the way of her living her life to the best of my abilities. It wasn't easy. Of course I knew it wasn't going to be as simple as it sounded. How hard could it be to do regular, everyday things?

Very, apparently.

Even though Alex was _fine_, as she claimed, she still had little to no time to do anything. If she wasn't in class she was at work and if she wasn't at work she was at therapy or at the doctor's. Any time she had in between she spent it studying or doing her homework while still trying to spend time with me as much as she could.

But the times we spent together were mostly simple, save for the occasional dates that weren't just us hanging out around campus. I had no real complaints though. Because I knew she wasn't pulling away from me like before.

And she did get tired or sick every now and then. Nothing was ever too serious. But I still worried all while keeping it to myself around ninety percent of the time. After nearly breaking down about how frustrating all of it was for her, I didn't want to be a constant reminder of what she was all too aware of in the first place.

Ever since I was aware of her situation and what she was really doing when I thought she was working late I had taken to driving her to see her doctors and therapist when she needed. I appreciated that Nate had done that for her while I was left clueless but I wanted to do it myself.

Plus, it was extra time we could spend together. Even if it was just a car ride back and forth.

I remember one time I was waiting for her to come out of therapy, hanging out in the parking lot. I was glad, in a way, that she was still going even when everything was seemingly okay. Not a lot of people would even be willing to admit they need extra help to just deal. I knew she had me, and she knew she had me too, but sometimes it's not enough. And that was okay.

I wondered what she talked about during her sessions. I wondered if she smiled during some of them. I wondered if she cried sometimes. I wondered if it was really keeping her happy and positive and strong throughout the whole thing.

I was leaning against the hood of my car at a little after seven thirty waiting for her. I had a surprise for her. I wasn't sure how she was going to react. But I was excited regardless.

I had been thinking a lot since my makeshift New York City date. And how she spoke so candidly about how she felt. It was like meeting her all over again and being so captivated by her words and wanting to hear her every thought just to see what it was like inside a mind so beautiful.

She came out with her school hoodie over her work uniform shirt and looked at me in confusion, most likely as to why I wasn't actually in the car waiting for her. When she came up to me I pulled her into a hug and greeted her with a quick kiss on the lips.

"Hello," she said with my arm still holding her.

"Hey guess what…"

"What?"

"I have a surprise for you," I told her and she pulled away from me a little.

"What kind of surprise?"

"Um…I don't actually know how you're going to react."

"Well that doesn't make me nervous at all."

I pushed myself off of the hood and reached into my pocket. She watched me pull out my car keys and I held them out in front of her. I couldn't tell if she was more hesitant or just plain confused.

"What is this?" she asked.

"_This_…" I said, "…is your first driving lesson."

"_What_! Mitchie, are you out of your mind?"

"Maybe. But come on, it won't be bad I promise."

"Why are you doing this? Why in God's name would you willingly put yourself in danger like this?"

"Oh shut up, nothing is going to happen. We're in a parking lot and almost all the cars are gone."

"I can still hit something."

"Like what? The…three other cars that are still here?"

"Mitchie…"

"I'll be in the passenger seat talking you through the whole thing. You'll be fine."

"I've been fine not driving my whole life; I think I can go without."

"But it's an experience. Aren't you the one always saying how wonderful it is to experience new things? Think of this as something else you've accomplished that you probably never thought you would."

And she looked at me a moment, those eyes of hers burning with curiosity and excitement. For something new, a challenge she had yet to face. _An opportunity to learn_. One more thing off her unofficial list of goals, no matter how big or how small. It was all important to her. So it was important to me.

She carefully reached for the keys in my hand and looked down at them.

"I don't know."

"If you really start to freak out then we can always switch seats and I'll drive us right home."

"You promise?"

"I promise. You'll be fine though," I assured her and opened the door on the driver's side. She climbed in, still hesitant, and I could see her hand shaking as she fidgeted with the keys. "Just relax. That's the main thing."

"Easy for you to say. And this isn't even legal. I don't even have my permit."

"So what? It's not like a cop is going to come into a parking lot for a doctor's office. Alex, stop worrying. I wouldn't let anything happen."

"But it's dark out," she kept arguing. I was already in the passenger seat next to her, buckled in and waiting for her to start the car.

"There are like a million lights and before you say anything, no, you're not going to hit one."

She sighed so heavily I thought she was going to give up before she even tried.

"Okay," she said, to my surprise. "What do I do?"

I smiled brightly, excited to teach her something, and leaned over to kiss her cheek.

"Fix the mirrors and seat then start the car."

"Um…" she mumbled something under her breath and adjusted everything around her. Once her seat moved back she put the key in the ignition, turning it and gripping the wheel tightly.

"Breathe."

"I feel like I'm going to kill us."

"Relax, babe. I trust you with my life. You've got this," I told her and she took a breath, releasing it slowly.

"What is it, ten and two, right?"

"No one actually drives with their hands on ten and two…"

"I was just _asking_; I want to do this right so we don't die," she said and I had to hold back my laughter because she looked she like was going to hit me if she knew how amused I was.

"Yes, it's ten and two. Keep your foot on the brake and shift to drive. Okay now slowly take your foot off of it. _Slowly_."

"Okay."

The car didn't move.

"Alex…"

"Give me a _minute_."

"You're so cute when you're nervous."

"Shut up this is terrifying okay."

"Alright, take your time love."

I waited another minute or so before the car actually started moving. I remember being nervous the first time I drove a car. I was with my mom and she was convinced I was going to kill us. I couldn't take learning to drive with someone so anxious when I was already so worried about everything.

My dad eventually started teaching me in a more…calm manner. I didn't want Alex to feel the pressure of someone who just didn't trust her behind the wheel of a car. I knew it was nerve-wracking but I also knew it was pretty simple if you just relax and trust yourself and the person teaching you.

The car was moving slowly as she rode the brakes.

"Slowly press the brake back down. You need to get used to stopping," I instructed. She did as I asked and managed to do so without it being too abrupt. "Not bad. Better than the first time I tried to stop a car."

"Is this all because you don't trust me to actually put my foot on the gas?"

"Honey, I don't trust _anyone_ to put their foot on the gas. I didn't even trust myself to put my foot on the gas the first time. But you can give it a shot if you want."

"Wait, are you serious?"

"Just remember not to press too hard, don't brake immediately, and-"

"Relax?"

"Oh you're a natural."

"Yeah right, watch the second I try using the gas we're going to end up dead."

"Honestly, I still press the gas too hard sometimes so don't even worry about it. Every car is different so you have to get a feel of it first. So go for it."

She sighed and, as lightly as she possibly could, pressed the pedal. Thankfully my car was an SUV and needed some sort of force to actually move so it wasn't too much for her.

"See, look at that. Try turning at the end of the parking spaces. I don't understand why you've never tried to get your license before."

"Well it's not like I never thought about it…"

"Slow down before you turn though."

"Right, sorry. Um…but yeah, I just never had time. I was always busy."

"Even in high school? I thought things only got a little worse in college? Turn left again."

She was really a lot better than I thought she would be. She wasn't great. But she was definitely better than I was. I knew she was nervous but I kept talking to her to take her mind off of how much anxiety the whole thing should have been giving her.

Focusing is one thing. Overthinking is another. And that never ends well for anyone.

Her turning was a little off but she wasn't too hard on herself. I was proud that she was trying; I always was no matter what she was doing.

Alex was the type of person that you just knew she gave it her all for everything she tried. You could see it in her eyes, the determination and the genuine desire to accomplish something. And not in the arrogant _must-win_ type of way you see in a lot of competitive people. She really wants the satisfaction of successfully doing something new.

I watched her carefully, to make sure she was doing everything she was supposed to, but also because Alex doing anything just fascinated me to no end. I could honestly watch the girl all day and never get tired of it. Even when she would just be sitting reading or doing homework or watching a movie. Everything intrigued me.

The smile that stretches across her face. How pretty her laugh sounded when something was funny especially when it was only funny to her. The way she would subconsciously bite her lip, and how quick you had to be to catch it because it was so subtle yet I would notice everything. And her eyes…

_God_, her eyes.

I saw the world she saw in them. And not the world of pain and doctors and NSHL and no time and uncertainty. I saw the happiness; the music with soul and the eagerness to learn and to _do _and the books with endless worlds within them. I saw the beauty and the unconditional love and the silver linings.

And I saw that excitement in them that day, there in my car. The kind of excitement when you finally do something you've always wanted to do even though it scares you. I'd seen it before, in different degrees. Granted, every situation is different. But she was terrified and couldn't have been happier about it.

Driving a car is nothing, to me anyway. I'd been driving since I was sixteen years old and got my permit. Alex never had the opportunity. But I still couldn't have been as nervous and excited as she was. Because I always knew I was going to do it anyway. She never did. And I wondered what it could possibly feel like. To be excited like she was.

We didn't drive for much. She was nervous as hell and it messed her up a few times and at one point she didn't trust herself to keep going. I assured her everything was fine but we agreed to call it a night.

"You weren't _that_ bad, Alex…"

"You're a terrible liar."

"It was your first time! And we're not even on the actual road."

"Yeah thank God for that or else this car would be destroyed."

"Oh whatever, do you want me to drive us home or do you want to do it yourself?" I challenged her and she shook her head furiously.

"Absolutely not please Jesus take the wheel."

"Relax, relax, I'll drive."

"Good."

"Or we can make out in the back seat," I suggested, winking at her and she raised her eyebrows in shock. It was difficult not to laugh at her reaction.

"_Mitchie_ we're not about to _get it on_ in the parking lot of my therapist's office."

"Who said anything about getting it on…you horny bastard…"

At that she punched me in my arm as hard as she could and I couldn't help but laugh.

"Ow," I said, rubbing the sore spot. "You jerk."

"You're the jerk."

I unbuckled my seatbelt and leaned over the arm rest between us, smiling.

"Shut up and kiss me."

We kept up a routine for a couple months. And it felt nice to be able to teach Alex something new. I had never actually taught anyone how to do anything before and it made me so…happy, I guess, to see someone _get_ something because of me.

That was the selfish part of me speaking, obviously. I loved helping Alex over everything else.

And, of course, I loved seeing Alex smile.

I loved it so much that I wanted to do _more_. I wanted to find out everything she had ever wanted to do or even things she had never really given much thought to trying before. Maybe I could teach her. Maybe we could do something new together.

The important thing was that the possibilities were endless. And I was going to make sure of that.

I didn't want anything holding her back. If I could help it, she would be able to do everything she had ever dreamed of and more.

And the idea came to me one cold Thursday night as I sat on my usual barstool at Murphy's, singing into a microphone to a dark yet decently crowded room. The lyrics to _Drive_ by Incubus fell from my lips and I looked to Alex sitting with Shane with her hands gripping her glass and a sense of wonder in her eyes.

When I finished my short set I immediately found myself in her warm embrace and she whispered in my ear, just like every other time, "I'm so proud of you."

I pulled back and looked at her, a smile stretching across my face like I couldn't remember ever doing before for something so simple. I was the one who was excited.

The next day she came home to the dorm to find me sitting on our bed with my guitar in my lap and another right next to me. At first she didn't think anything of it but then she backtracked and stopped right in front of me looking confused. I smiled up at her.

"Hello sweetheart."

"Hey, Mitch…what are you doing?" she asked and I shrugged.

"Playing."

"With two guitars?"

"No, this one's for you."

"…What?"

"It's my old one. I went home and grabbed it from my room."

"Why?"

"Haven't you always wanted to learn?"

"Well…yeah…but…"

"Come sit. I want to teach you. I can't believe I haven't done this already."

"You don't have to."

"I want to; are you kidding me? I love playing. Aren't you ever curious as to why?"

"Of course. It's one of the main reasons why I love watching you play."

"Oh really now?"

"And because you're a wonderful musician."

"Oh _really_ now?" I repeated, smiling again, and she bit her lip and took a seat next to me. "Well thank you."

"You know I'm your biggest fan, angel."

"Yes, and my favorite," I said and kissed her on the tip of her nose, causing her to shut her eyes and scrunch it up adorably. "So you still up for learning something new?"

"I always am."

"And…bright side…you can't kill us with a guitar if you make a mistake," I joked and she narrowed her eyes at me.

"I could kill you with a guitar if I really tried…" she said and I didn't know whether to laugh or not.

"_How_?"

"Make fun of me again and you'll see," she said, grinning from cheek to cheek. I chuckled quietly and handed my old guitar to her.

"No need for that, love."

"Have you ever taught anyone how to play before?"

"No…but I mean…it can't be that hard. I picked it up pretty quickly. I'll get you through the basics; you'll be playing like a pro in no time."

"I highly doubt that."

"Hey!" I said, holding my finger up. "No doubts. I have faith in you and my _fabulous_ teaching skills. You're gonna be a regular Tom Morello, just you wait."

"If I can play a single chord it will be a win in my book."

"I bet I can teach you an entire song."

"You want to _bet_ me?"

"Yes…yes I do. And when you do finally learn an entire song…" I trailed off and she watched me curiously. "…You're going to play at Murphy's with me one night."

"_What?!_"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Please?" I begged with big, sad eyes but she remained adamant on rejecting my request.

"Not a chance. Mitch, that's _your_ thing; performing is what _you_ love. It's not me."

"But it's so exciting to go up there and play for people. It's one of the best feelings in the world for me. I want you to feel that too."

"Honey, you feel that because you're a musician. I love music, I absolutely adore it, but I belong in the crowd. You belong in front of it."

"Just once? You wouldn't even have to sing."

"Don't you dare even think about pouting at me, Mitchie."

"I'll eventually convince you."

"Your confidence is cute."

"You say that now…"

"I'll be saying that later on too. But then again all of you is cute."

She brushed my bangs back and ran her thumb over my cheek. Her smiled brightened and I raised my brow at her.

"Are you trying to distract me?"

"Is it working?" she asked, placing a kiss on my lips and I sighed through my nose. I knew all too well I was a sucker for her. And she knew just as much as I did. I didn't know if that was a good thing or a bad thing. But I didn't care.

"Oh, definitely."

I moved my guitar off my lap and set it aside as she giggled, pulling her into me instead. I wrapped my arms around her waist and pressed my lips against hers, feeling her fingers in my hair and her legs on either side of me.

My hands dropped down to her hips and I held them as I flipped us over. Her breathing picked up a little bit. I didn't think anything of it until she made some sort of a muffled grunting noise against my mouth. I furrowed my brows and pulled away from her.

"Are you okay?"

"What?" she asked, a little dazed. She blinked a moment then said, "Yeah."

"You sure?"

"Yes now stop talking," she shushed me and took my face in her hands, kissing me hard enough to take my breath away. But I was still concerned and opened my eyes again.

She kept kissing me though. And I started responding less and less, until she let out a frustrated sigh when she realized my mind was somewhere else. She let me go.

"Really?" she asked, only slightly annoyed.

"Sorry…I just…" I stuttered a bit, almost forgetting where I was going with that sentence. "Are you _sure_ you're fine because you sounded like you were in pain or something."

"What? No," she tried to tell me but I kept looking at her unconvinced. "Mitch, that was nothing."

I sighed and she leaned in to kiss me again, less harshly than before, and I gave up and kissed her back. But the thought kept nagging at me and I tried not to let it get to me too much.

It was hard to concentrate on making out with Alex when I was worrying about Alex and it was hard to worry about Alex when I was making out with Alex. Or at least Alex was trying to make out with me.

I moved my hand a little higher on her waist and she squirmed a bit. I ignored my initial reaction to ask if she was okay and brought my hand back down to where it was on her hip. I thought I was being paranoid but it was just…strange.

I paid too much attention to Alex and every little detail about her to believe it was nothing. She never responded to my touch so weirdly before. And unless she was just uncomfortable with _me_, which I highly doubted was the case, she was just trying to put a brave face on so I wouldn't worry.

I knew better.

I slid my hand up her waist again, with a little more pressure than the last time, and she pulled away from me abruptly, sucking in a breath and clenching her eyes shut.

"Holy _shit_."

"Was _that_ nothing too?" I asked and she shook her head, holding the same pained expression on her face.

"No, that was something. That was-" she stopped mid-sentence and felt her side as she opened her eyes again, "-oh my _God_."

"What? What is it?" I asked as I helped her sit up straight. She lifted her shirt just above her ribcage and I looked down to see a bruise the size of a closed fist on her side, slightly faded into a gross dark purple color. "Jesus Christ Alex did I do that?"

"No, no, I hit it against a turnstile when it got stuck but…it wasn't even that hard…"

"What are you talking about? Alex it looks like someone punched you in the waist."

Her eyes were closed again. For a second she looked deep in thought, but when I really looked at her it seemed like she didn't have to think about anything. Like she knew but was hoping she was wrong. And that freaked me out.

"This can't be happening again," she mumbled and dragged her hands over her face. "I mean I get aches or pains or whatever every now and then but _fuck_ I thought I was done with the random bruises."

She kept going on and on. And she wasn't even looking at me anymore. She wasn't talking to me. She was just rambling to no one in particular. Like she was having an argument with herself and they were both losing it.

"What's going on?" I asked her. And all of a sudden her face went blank as if none of it had even happened. She breathed in and out through her nose and pushed a few stray hairs behind her ear.

"Nothing."

"Alex."

"What?"

"You _just_ said it wasn't nothing. Don't try to play it off like you don'tlook like someone beat you with a bat."

"Mitch, I'll take care of it. Don't worry."

"You can't ask me that right now."

"Please?"

"Can you stop acting like everything is okay if something is seriously wrong? If you need to see your doctor _go see your doctor_," I said sternly and she groaned, falling back against the bed. "Alex, I know you. I know you're worried too; I can see it in your eyes. I'm here, okay?"

She stayed still for a moment, looking up at me and then down to avoid my eyes. I moved to lie down next to her before leaning over to kiss her on the forehead. She nodded, to my surprise, and shifted closer, wrapping her arm around my waist. I held in a sigh, grateful that we didn't fight but I was still trying not to let the situation get to me.

I already knew she was doing the same. She had spent half her life trying not to let any of it get to her.

That following week I noticed how off she was again. She was distant and subdued even in class and at work. I asked Nate if she seemed okay and all he said was she didn't talk much, other than that she looked fine. But he was just as concerned as I was.

I tried to do something, cheer her up even. Anything to get her to snap out of the weird trance like state she seemed to be in. I didn't ask her about it though. I didn't want her to feel like I was being overbearing but I also figured she would come to me when or if she was ever ready to.

It wasn't until maybe the week after that she said anything substantial.

She came up to me when she came home from class one night and, very quietly, she looked at me with sad eyes and said, "Can you drive me to the hospital?"

I nodded without hesitation or even a word at all. I got up, grabbed my jacket and my keys and we walked hand in hand to the residence parking lot.

She didn't say anything the whole ride there. And I didn't ask her any questions. A million thoughts were racing through my mind and my stomach felt weaker than ever before. I tightened my grip on the wheel and tried not to look over to Alex sitting next to me, withdrawn yet so nervous at the same time.

She would pick at her nails or run her fingers through her hair. At one point she looked like she was going to pass out or throw up. I focused on the road and the silence of the car deafened me the whole way until we reached the hospital.

"Do you want me to come with you?" I asked when I found a parking spot. She stayed still with her head down looking at her lap and she played with her fingers as I waited for a response.

"No."

She unbuckled her seatbelt and just like that she let herself out. And I didn't fight her as she walked to the building. I let out a long breath and sank down in my seat. I thought I was going to be the one to throw up.

I don't know how long I waited. You tend to lose all track of time when your mind is going a million miles per second. Ever since I found out the truth it was always _under control_. I never knew what was going on or I just didn't know her at all when things were…_bad_.

I never had to face anything like that before in my life. And it felt selfish of me to feel that way. Alex was the one living through a never-ending nightmare of _am I okay_ and _well will I be okay tomorrow?_ Alex was the one who was never sure. And Alex was the one who would suffer if anything were to happen.

But I felt nauseous. I felt like the world was spinning too fast around me and I was stuck in my car trying to breathe. I eventually got out of there to get fresh air so I wouldn't double over and vomit in my own lap. I welcomed the cold air against my face and the wind blowing my hair around.

I breathed in. And it felt good. But I struggled not to cry.

I didn't even check the time when Alex made it back. I was still outside, sitting on the curb waiting for her. She found me and helped me off the floor but when I stood up I saw this look in her eyes. Like a bomb was going to go off. Her expression was hard and her jaw was locked.

It frightened me a bit because I had never seen Alex so…_angry_.

"What's the matter? How'd it go? Is everything okay?" I asked quickly, not even giving her a moment to actually answer any of my questions. She ignored me and instead snatched my car keys out of my hand and let herself in the driver's seat.

I was frozen in my spot, still trying to figure out what the hell was going on with her. But when I heard the engine starting the reality of the situation hit me like a tidal wave and I felt like I was going to have a stroke. I slammed my fist on the window.

"Alex! Open the door and get out," I yelled at her. She didn't even look at me. She looked straight ahead, her hands on ten and two, with this fed up almost dead look in her eyes. "Alex I'm serious get out of the car."

She didn't move.

I beat the glass again. Harder.

"Get out of the fucking car!"

Her hand moved to the gear shift and I ran to the other side and got in the passenger's seat.

"Alex what the fuck are you doing? It's dark out and you _can't drive_," I said a little more calmly. But I couldn't hide the panicked undertones laced in my voice. Sure I had been teaching her for a while and she was getting the hang of it. But given the state she was in coupled with the fact that she didn't even have her license I was freaking out.

She put the car in drive.

"Alex."

She said nothing.

"Shut the car off and give me the keys."

She put her foot on the gas and pulled out of the spot.

"Alex!"

She ignored me and drove throughout the parking lot until she reached the exit. We had only driven on the road a few times and she was okay but I had a horrible feeling she didn't care if anything happened.

"Alex, don't be stupid stop the car."

She accelerated and my heart felt like it was at the bottom of my stomach. My hands were shaking and I honestly thought we were going to die. I gripped the door handle and looked ahead of us. There were hardly any cars but it was a terrible idea.

She drove even faster and I nearly slapped her.

"What the fuck are you trying to get us killed?!"

She drove past cars dangerously close each time, just missing them. She drove through a stop sign and I could have sworn I saw my life flash before my eyes. It was too dark out and I thought she was on a mission to kill us both.

"Oh my fucking God, Alex, be careful! Or at least slow down," I tried again but she didn't even pay attention to me. "_Please_!"

She kept driving like she was escaping the damn police until I realized where we were and that she was headed for the highway. And I was not about to let her go there.

"Alex I swear to fucking God pull the fuck over! Don't get on the highway," I warned but of course she ignored me. "Pull over or I'm using the emergency brake. Either way this car is stopping."

I didn't want to because there were still cars around us and at the speed she was going we were most likely going to end up rear ended. But I had to get her to stop.

"Pull over!" I shouted again and I saw a tear, just one, roll down her cheek under the light of the street lamps. My voice practically shook the car as I yelled. "Alex. Pull. _Over_!"

I felt the car slow to a normal speed and I was surprised we hadn't been pulled over by a cop or something. She slowed even more and turned onto a random side street and slammed on the breaks near the sidewalk. The car jerked forward and my seatbelt almost choked me when it locked.

I reached over and put the car in park and shut the engine before she could do anything else.

"What the _fuck_ was that!"

She looked down at the steering wheel, her hands still holding it for dear life.

"Do you have a fucking death wish or something! You don't even have a license! Don't _ever_ do something like that again! You could have killed us!"

"Stop fucking yelling at me!" she finally screamed, even louder than me. I don't think I had ever heard her yell that loudly before.

"What the _hell_ is going on?" I asked a little more gently but I was still scared. And it looked like she was too. "Alex…" I put my hand on her arm but she shoved me away harshly. "You can't keep doing this. What are you going to just pretend everything is okay again?"

She shook her head and turned away from me but I grabbed her arm and pulled her back to face me. She pushed me again but I kept my hold on her. She struggled in my grasp until she resorted to hitting me and shoving me away from her.

"Alex stop!"

"Shut _up_! Just shut up! Stop talking and stop fucking touching me!"

"Alex!"

"Get off of me Mitchie!"

"Calm the fuck down!"

She hit me again and managed to break free from my hold and held the steering wheel again, digging her nails into it until her knuckles burned white. She shook it like she was trying to rip it right off and slammed her fists down onto it, hitting it over and over, and let out the loudest, _longest_,most agonizing scream I had ever heard in my life.

Tears streamed down her face and she shook and she beat the steering wheel and she screamed and she screamed and she fucking _screamed_.

She screamed until she broke down into a fit of earth shattering sobs and cried her eyes out. I put my hand on her back and she didn't fight me that time. I took my seatbelt off and leaned over the armrest, pulling her into a tight hug and she cried even more. I sat there and rubbed her back until she could catch her breath.

"I'm sorry," she eventually mumbled out, strained and muffled by her tears and my jacket.

"Shh, sweetheart, it's okay. What's going on?"

She shook her head against my chest and kept crying.

"Alex, please talk to me."

I thought she was calming down but her crying only seemed to pick up. I almost didn't hear her whine out, "I'm not okay," into my shoulder.

"What are you talking about?"

"I thought I was fine but I'm not. I'm not fine. I'm not getting better."

"What do you mean? What happened?" I asked, afraid she had heard the worst at the hospital. I was always worried something could happen. But I didn't anticipate how bad it could be. Being with Alex and living with her and going along with her _seeing the brighter side of everything_ mantra helped me avoid thinking of all the terrible things that could result of her situation.

She picked her head up, and with her tear stained face looked at me and said, "Stage _four_."

"What?"

"My cancer. It used to just…be here," she explained, pointing to her chest. "Turns out it's not. It's uh…" She drew in a shaky breath and wiped her face with the back of her sleeve. "It's in my bones too." She let out another sob and more tears rolled down her cheeks.

I stared at her, my own eyes collecting tears I wasn't even aware of until I felt the corners of them stinging as I tried to blink. She looked so fragile and terrified.

And the worst part of it was there was nothing I could do to help her.

"I start chemo again next week."

* * *

**don't hate me. but again, drop a review and let me know what you think**

**chapter/song title: Holdin' On Together by Phoenix**

**one of my favorites :$**


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